Does anyone else have a ‘main character’ in their family ?

[Blueeyedgirl21]

pondering something this morning

is it just my DP’s family that has this slightly odd dynamic - there is an almost ‘main player’ in the family who everyone has to take into consideration when planning things etc

I’m obviously an outsider who has come into this from a family where this isn’t the case and I find it really weird

it’s really really hard to explain but this person has a totally normal job as a nursery
teacher yet everything that is mentioned relating to schools, education etc they are referred to in reverential tones as someone to refer to. Let’s refer to this family member as X. you could say ‘I saw little Billy next door in his wee uniform, he must be starting school’ and the family member will say ‘X js back at work this week. X’s nursery is outstanding at ofsted you know. Did you know X got a very high mark in their exams when they qualified ?’ And you are like ‘….right. Well, Billy next door looked very sweet!’

Or you make plans with MIL and this person is mentioned constantly. ‘X likes it there. I came here with X and they don’t buy things from here, they get them from a special website. So I won’t buy anything, I’ll get it from X’s special website.’

When X’s birthday is coming up, we are questioned by several family members what we are getting X, will X like that, when will we all go round and give X the gifts, etc

no other adults get gifts for birthdays in the family, we don’t bother

we have a baby. X is trying with their partner for a baby. When we bought a cot, we were told by another family member ‘X won’t have that for their baby. We will take X to the special nursery furniture shop’ the baby isn’t even conceived yet ?!!

it’s hard to explain. Its not like simple favouritism it’s more like X has to be treated a certain way ? Or they might be annoyed or angry and they want X’s approval. Fwiw on their own, X is quite nice and chatty etc. However you never ask X to do anything. X has to offer. It’s just so weird. Anyone empathise with this ?!!

Hmm my uncle my dads brother is a bit like our main character . His opinions are quoted as gospel as in ‘uncle x says this ‘ even though nothing he says is very original !

Well main character energy is a known 'thing'

If I'm honest, and DH has said it before I'm the main character in my family (both our immediate family and wider family on both my mum and my dads side)

Yes, they piss everyone off and weave a tangled web. It’s just boring now.

I think it’s me!

😎

Yes my BIL - always. Golden child. We bought a house a couple of doors down from where we were renting and when MIL and FIL came down to visit we had the keys and asked if they wanted to see. They refused which was odd. I would want to see my son's house.

Then proceeded to tell us about BIL's new house worth over a million and even sent us pictures of it etc. 😝. There are many other examples but he can't do wrong.

From my side of the family we have one. Everything revolves around her and her family. If she's unwell everyone will know and must call to check up on her. Everyday, there's some sort of drama - the whole family has to get involved in her affairs. To a point now where we all avoid her. She's a close family member but we speak to her once a month or every 2 months.

Yes, my granny. She was the eldest of ten kids and it's often quoted that even her own mother was frightened of her because she was so bossy. She's taken that oldest kid energy and made it into a life's work. Even now aged 96 many family members still defer to her for advice on bloody everything. She also talks like she's a doctor, a lawyer and a teacher all rolled into one, always knows better than anyone else about everything. She's a lot.

My brother is the golden child. If he is upset we are all to blame, when he is happy we are all to be delighted for him. He had a baby and it is the only baby to ever be born etc. No matter what he says it is taken as gospel and most of the time what he says are incorrect assumptions at best - outlandish lies at worst but he was once in an accident (that he has fully recovered from) but if he says it then it has to be what is done.

He uses the silent treatment as punishment and has done since he was a kid yet tells people now he has 'boundaries'. Alright for him to put down or insult someone but they retaliate and they are 'abusing his boundaries' and acting childish. Its baffling really.

Yes in H's family it was MIL. She "held court" and constantly made unreasonable demands, told people they had to cancel their plans because she wanted a get together at short notice and everyone just did what she said. She treated everyone like minions and yet they had such deep reverence for her. I quizzed my husband about it (he otherwise had no time for pisstakers) and he just couldn't explain why it was. When she died the family dynamic just fell away. My husband's siblings live in the same town as us and we rarely see them. It's like they ceased to be a family without MIL.

In my family it is my sister. My elderly parents arrange everything around her wishes, feelings and availability. If she can't attend something they can't see the point in going.

I don't think my immediate family has a main character.

I’m one of 4, and all family life revolves around one of my siblings. They are autistic and have serious mental health problems - honestly everybody is so scared of triggering a meltdown and having to deal with the consequences that it’s easier to just do things how they want. They are able to mask well around others so from the outside it probably looks insane. Just wonder if it could be anything similar?

Yes we have. It's the 'golden child', dm's favourite, so if you don't worship at the same altar as DM, then you're in trouble. Mainly the rest of us just mutter platitudes and pretend so as not to provoke DM or golden child. But we also avoid the two of them together because they get nasty with people - snide comments, mocking etc.

Yes Granny, definitely head of the family! Everything has to be done with her needs into consideration. If it's something that involves too much walking etc, no one goes!

This is interesting. Fwiw this isn’t a sibling of DP’s. which makes it more confounding in a way. I actually think reflecting on it sometimes I am a tiny bit jealous. For every ten things we do for MIL (she needs a lot of support), X does one and that’s the only one thing that matters. For those of you that admit you are the main character so to speak, do you encourage it or has it happened naturally? When you are praised etc do you like it or do you find it cringe. X actually finds it a bit uncomfortable when it’s done in front of them, I think, but when they are in a certain mood the bossiness / assertiveness they naturally have is too hard for them to hide, we have changed plans because of them, because of what PIL want to do to please them etc and they never apologize or anything.

I actually think as well that it manifested in a little bit of post natal anxiety for me until I had a word with myself and said stop worrying about this person and what they think. They don’t have kids but work with them so I was constantly told to ask X for advice, let X come round and help etc. I pushed back and X stopped talking to me for a while. This has stopped now but the focus is now on X ‘s future child with their partner. I actually feel for them as I think they are struggling with infertility but it’s only ever mentioned in hushed tones. I said to my DP when our baby was a few weeks old that our baby will never live up to X’s, he said X doesn’t have a baby yet stop stressing about it! He’s right of course. But it used to play on my mind so much when I should have just been enjoying baby.

My dad.

He drives me fucking mental. Everything has to be to his liking or he's difficult and petulant. I ignore him but my mum panders to him.

Last year, my brother and I organised a surprise for my mum's birthday. My dad didn't like the idea but we ignored him because it wasn't about him (it was going out for a meal but at a place suited to her likes over his - it's not like we insisted he went skydiving or anything!). The plan was for us to arrive 30 mins early and my dad bring my mum 15 minutes early, so she'd walk in and we'd all be there. He turned up 45 minutes early and parked directly outside the restaurant so she saw everyone arrive. He did it purposely to ruin the surprise.

A main character in a family is indicative of a somewhat narcissistic family structure. My parents were the main characters in my family growing up and they bestowed a significantly higher status to my older brothers but interestingly less so to my younger brother.

It is not a nice way to run a family.

Covert narcissists often make one of their children a main character in the family whereby they can attract attention to themselves vicariously while “looking after” or “shining up” the main character.

I would also wonder if X had some problems earlier in life you don’t know about - I’ve seen people who’ve recovered from eating disorders or other MH issues for example be treated a bit like this. Or they had a serious illness as a child - that sort of thing. As it sounds like they (apparently) don’t encourage it themselves. Or the family look up to X for some reason? Does X have a difference to the rest of the family eg they have a degree, or come from a different background or country etc?

For my in laws, it's the dog 😂

Many an hour spent admiring the dog, hearing about what he eats, if he's done a poo, what is the best time to go for a walk, oh, look at the face he's making and OH gosh he just licked my hand.......

sighs

Yes and it runs down family lines as well so it used to be DH’s gran but after she died a few tears ago it’s become his sister. Literally everything is all about her. Every plan has to work for her. We once had to delay Christmas dinner for 9 hours for the gran and everyone just accepted this (I drove off and went home after 7 hours because WTF).

Yes we have a couple of people around which we have everything, who vie for the last word on plans involving each other. exhausting.

We also had a 'main character' in a different sense in that he was the life and soul of any gathering and family dos are not the same without him. His loss is deeply felt.

@ParentallyUnprepared what a nasty thing to do. Did you say anything to him about it.

Not in mine. yes in dh's. They all roll their eyes and say "that's how they are". I always think that if they'd told them they weren't funny and stop thinking everyone has to do what they want when they were 9 or 10 they'd probably have stopped doing it.

I know exactly what you mean OP! I think that often these people are bullies and people worry about getting "silent treatment" from them, or that they will "kick off" unexpectedly and that's why everything revolves around them.

My family (very small) doesn't have one of these, my DP's family did, and it was MIL. Everything she requested we apparently had to do. We sometimes used to get a call late Friday night saying there was a "family lunch" on Saturday - she lives 3 hours away and we could have things planned but we were supposed to go. I just disengaged and let them crack on. I couldn't do a 6 hour round trip + long lunch without any notice when I work FT. But it's all changed now - interesting because FIL died (he was a very quiet, unassuming man, opposite of MIL) but all her power to be "the character" has gone. I would just disengage as far as possible and always be ready with an excuse if summoned.

In my family, no. SIL is the main character in DH’s family. Golden child, spoken about in revered terms for doing the things the rest of us also do but don’t brag about. This main character energy is extended to her children and her spouse too.

It’s funny to watch as an outsider. Everyone kowtowing to a grown up spoilt princess even though they are distinctly average in every way.

I think we are developing one. Has become extremely successful over the last year - premiership footballer type successful, although not that area of work.

We are all extremely proud and they deserve everything that's happening to them, but they are 100% being turned into the main character in the family and I'm not sure they want that for themselves

Maybe but to be honest I don’t envy that position. Everything in their life is analysed and decisions discussed. Infertility is discussed in hushed tones rather than with compassion and empathy due to expectations that they are perfect. That may be passed on to her child. While as a side player you are free to make mistakes and grow and develop without that scrutiny. IME the main player is no happier or wealthier or more successful than others - in many cases less so.

Is this person actually knowledgeable about what they pronounce upon I wonder?

I have a perfectly lovely SIL who is a bit inclined to offer advice which is well meaning but not always well founded. I think it's because she is from a large family herself and fell into this role so forgets that the people she is advising are competent adults.