Does anyone else have a ‘main character’ in their family ?

[Blueeyedgirl21]

pondering something this morning

is it just my DP’s family that has this slightly odd dynamic - there is an almost ‘main player’ in the family who everyone has to take into consideration when planning things etc

I’m obviously an outsider who has come into this from a family where this isn’t the case and I find it really weird

it’s really really hard to explain but this person has a totally normal job as a nursery
teacher yet everything that is mentioned relating to schools, education etc they are referred to in reverential tones as someone to refer to. Let’s refer to this family member as X. you could say ‘I saw little Billy next door in his wee uniform, he must be starting school’ and the family member will say ‘X js back at work this week. X’s nursery is outstanding at ofsted you know. Did you know X got a very high mark in their exams when they qualified ?’ And you are like ‘….right. Well, Billy next door looked very sweet!’

Or you make plans with MIL and this person is mentioned constantly. ‘X likes it there. I came here with X and they don’t buy things from here, they get them from a special website. So I won’t buy anything, I’ll get it from X’s special website.’

When X’s birthday is coming up, we are questioned by several family members what we are getting X, will X like that, when will we all go round and give X the gifts, etc

no other adults get gifts for birthdays in the family, we don’t bother

we have a baby. X is trying with their partner for a baby. When we bought a cot, we were told by another family member ‘X won’t have that for their baby. We will take X to the special nursery furniture shop’ the baby isn’t even conceived yet ?!!

it’s hard to explain. Its not like simple favouritism it’s more like X has to be treated a certain way ? Or they might be annoyed or angry and they want X’s approval. Fwiw on their own, X is quite nice and chatty etc. However you never ask X to do anything. X has to offer. It’s just so weird. Anyone empathise with this ?!!

Probably me. But I was the only one who got around to procreating so really that was the reason when it came to logistics, I'm certainly not the golden child, my db gets that award for actually remembering birthdays!

It was DH Grandma, then when she died MIL and she’s passing the baton onto SIL who is grooming our Niece for the role eventually.
I don’t adhere to the “rules” and am therefore a terrible person who just wants to tear the family apart.

BFs half sister. Nasty piece of work who must be revered or she kicks off.
It's rooted in racism, she's almost 60 & deeply ashamed of her ethnicity to the point that she pretends she's half Afro Caribbean rather than half Pakistani. Rest of the family are white & she's been treated with pity & preference her whole life by the mother for not being like them. It's led to this oppressive, unhealthy power balance where she rules the roost. It's a huge mess that I stay well away from.

Yes, DH's sister (in her 30s). She has learning difficulties and disabilities, so obviously everything we do needs to take her into consideration. In addition to the completely understandable consideration, SIL's personality very much demands attention and for things to revolve around her. The description of a "main character" in the family is very apt!

I don't have this with family, but there's definitely a main character in a couple of my friendship groups!

When she died the family dynamic just fell away. My husband's siblings live in the same town as us and we rarely see them. It's like they ceased to be a family without MIL.

Perhaps MIL's forced gatherings didn't allow the siblings to make their own relationships?

If they cared enough they'd surely all still meet up?

Haha I know exactly what you mean! One branch of our family is particularly toxic, and there are several of them vying for that main character position!
Youve explained it to well, they also act like pioneers of their fields and subtly try to get everyone else to defer to them on everything, and base all plans etc. subtly around their preferences. And their supporting cast of directors are just as bad with their enabling. We try and avoid that branch as much as possible - they are exhausting!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ : you put it so well!!

My mum is oldest in a large family, and complains that her siblings STILL ask her what to do about everything) they are all now 60+!)

2 of my sisters are vying to be ‘the character’ on our family so as you can imagine it’s a bit 🧨 💣🧨

All this ‘character’ stuff is sadly just one way family dysfunction pops out ..

OP - who is it, one of your DH’s cousins? Was her mum/dad ‘the character’ in the previous generation?

I think I'm the main character but am not the favourite & my opinions aren't gospel. I'm told I'm fun to be around so family like to include me & will work dates around me. My oldest Aunt is the main person in my mums family & everything has to be ran past her.

I'd say it was my mother in law, who really idolises her daughter and grand daughter.

So, if you try to speak to my m-i-l about anything, she'll make the conversation about her daughter and grand daughter.

My niece now has a part time job, which is obviously the most exciting thing that's ever happened, forever and ever.
Amen.

My in-laws take my niece to work every day, cos she has to get 2 buses, donchaknow?? So any and all appointments and activities for my in laws are suspended to take my niece into work.
I mean...🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes. My youngest brother is the main character in my family. The last time I saw my Dad alive and well we had to watch a TV film he (brother, an actor) was in Dad had a recording and had already watched it several times. It was going to be on TV shortly so we could have watched it then but no, he made us all sit and watch it at a New Years Eve gathering even though Dad was terminally ill with cancer and the next time I saw him he was gravely ill and there was no quality time to be had.

He was the golden child. Every single thing one of my kids did or liked or said was referred back to said golden child. Very extremely tedious.

My DB is that to his own family but I don’t pander to it and he’s as nice as pie to me and mine! That’s the trick, show no fear or deference just be yourself. Unless you’re holding out for an inheritance in which case makes sure it’s worth selling your soul for.

It was my mother a narc. As OH has aged he's become like this. Outsiders think he is an oracle and always right. Within the family we see the tantrums, pouting, . He's taken to talking over everyone in a loud voice. Dragging him away is hard when he's in full flow. If you dare to question him he throws a strop even if you produce proof in black and white

There are probably two people in my family who I reckon think they’re the main character. One of them (the nicer of the two) is actually sort of famous. No one else thinks they are the main character though!

No in my family. In dhs family it's his sister. She is her dads clear favourite, the only girl out of 4, her mum grew up with brothers then sons so she is a confidant for her. Plus she is the youngest and has a very forceful personality.

However she is also lovely, caring and makes an effort with everyone and is something of a lynchpin. So actually her role is deserved.

Episode 3 of ‘don’t hug me I’m scared’ perfectly sums up my main character family members

Yes, my Mum. She makes life really hard if she isn't considered front and centre.

I think most families have one.

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with main character family members?

Not me but my sister. Her sil is the middle child and is pandered to by her dad and other family members. If my sis triatomic talk about her kids it comes back to SIL and her kids. It's very tedious.

Yes. All loyalties are first and foremost to this person but it isn't reciprocated.

No one makes any plans until they know what this person is doing first.

Any advice you offer is met with a 'maybe' but when this person says exactly the same thing it's now 'gospel'.

This person is in charge and delegates all responsibilities to other family members. Everyone moans about it constantly but do absolutely nothing to change this. It really is exhausting and I got out long ago.

Don’t really recognise this at all though in laws who both left school at 16 hero worship Sil as she is a GP. We are boring old solicitors definitely inferior to doctors it seems!

@paisley256
Yes can relate - they all complain (behind main characters back) but then ‘play it both ways’ and enable the heck out of her - truly bizarre! And if i of call it out publicly, the double standards, other family members then end up taking her side, even though they are the ones slagging her off in secret, whereas I prefer to be honest to someone’s face! So if I do speak up, I end up looking like the bad guy. It’s actually like a cult now I think about it 🥲🧛🏿‍♀️😂

@RumorRomeo We are definitely from the same family, I could've wrote everything you said! It's mindblowing isn't it and even though I'm miles away, they still try and moan to me and then cast me as the baddie when I say what I think. Yawn.

I suspect it's me although I'm an introvert, but I am the organiser, the problem solver, and the doer so everyone comes to me. I can see that ds2 will be the one to fill my shoes if dd1 lets him anyway.