To expect my ex to take some responsibility for childcare

[Hoverfly1]

I’m sorry because this has more than likely been done to death here but I would like some opinions on who is being unreasonable here.

Me and my ex separated 2 years ago, I instigated the separation, never been another person involved or any issue like that, just because of what I perceived to be long term issues with controlling behaviour from him. I stayed in our rented house and he moved around 80 miles away because he wanted a change of location, he still works regularly in my area and travels here several days a week.

We were managing the kids fairly amicably until I finished my degree and started working, he has the kids at his every second weekend and will turn up at my house regularly in the evening on his way home from work which would be fine if it was after school but it’s normally at bedtime and he usually appears with huge bags of sweeties, which is really not an ideal situation from my point of view.

Since I have been working I have tried to make him commit to taking more responsibility for childcare but he doesn’t want to move back to this area so his contribution is extremely limited. Under extreme duress he has agreed to have them after school/ nursery 1 day per week, however it has recently come to light that he has regularly been picking my youngest child up late from nursery on this day, sometimes 2+ hours, and I have been paying for the extra time without realising.

I am currently only working 3 days a week although this is mainly became that’s all I can manage with out any more help with childcare. I also have to work 3-4 nights a month over the summer. He is self employed so for the most part he picks and chooses his own work schedule, he’s not very particularly hardworking and regularly takes days off just because he feels like it.

Things have recently come to a head because I would like him to look after the children overnight while I am working, he can’t do that at his house because he lives too far away to get them to school. I feel that he could just stay at mine with the kids but he refuses to do that. I have had to get my mum or friends to look after them for me overnight which was manageable in the school holidays but doesn’t really work now. My mum has a lot of issues which make it very difficult for her to stay at mine and look after my kids.

My ex told me not to bother asking him to look after them anymore through week because it’s not his fault that I have taken on a job that I can’t manage with the kids. He accused me of inconveniencing him and my mum/friends by asking them to ‘babysit’ just so I can do a job that shows off my degree and that I should just get a job in a supermarket or somewhere less demanding (I can’t really see that this would make a huge difference as I would still need childcare!).

I feel that the kids are our equal responsibility and if we are both working the we should be organising it so that we are sharing the childcare over the week, but right now I either provide or organise and pay for childcare 4.5 days of the working week. And really all I’m asking is for him to look after them overnight 3-4 nights per month, which doesn’t interfere with his ability to work. He seems to think that because I am the resident parent that all the responsibility for childcare is mine.

My ex moved 4 hours away when our DS was 4. He only sees him once every 4-6 weeks on a Sunday from 10-4. DS is 15 now. I 100% agree with you that he should be responsible for child care as well as the DCs are equally his. Unfortunately you can’t make him. I’m the same as you and had to rely a lot on my parents to look after my DS while I worked long unsociable hours. I still feel really resentful towards my ex about it but I’ve had to accept it otherwise the bitterness would envelop me. Your ex (and mine!) is an idiot. He moved far from his DC and he’s going to regret it when they’re all grown up- he’ll have missed so much of of their childhood.

I have no advice but just wanted to say you’re not alone xx

Yanbu It's perfectly reasonable that he should take more responsibility for his own children. Having said that, he probably won't. He clearly resents you having a career rather than a NMW job and is trying to offload blame for his selfishness onto you.

Do not allow him to sleep over in your home. He is very clearly not on your side and will make life difficult for you if he can find a way.

I think you'll have to find some other way to cover childcare that is reliable and professional because your ex doesn't have the capacity to be either. Save your breath.

I’m sorry I don’t know much about this but aren’t you entitled to some child support as the children are resident with you? Couldn’t this pay for the extra child care he clearly doesn’t want to supply? I don’t think you will get very far by expecting a controlling man to be reasonable and willingly split responsibility with you.

You need to arrange child care he doesn’t have to have the children for you to work and staying at your house? I can see why he has said no to that

can you not see that he should take equal responsibility for the children?

What were the access arrangements you agreed to? Does he pay child maintenance based on having them 2 days a fortnight
that could help you with child minder costs?

Understand how you are feeling but to be honest I wouldn’t be relying on him for routine childcare, or anyone who lived 80 miles away. Does he commute that daily?

Well he shouldn't have moved 80 fucking miles away from his children then, otherwise he could have them in his own house.

He should but unfortunately he can't be made to. Claim maintenance and just get on with it. You can't make a useless dad step up and accepting that and making appropriate arrangements ( including keeping him ou

Sorry posted too soon.

Including keeping him out of your home.

He can’t do 50/50 he lives 80 miles away, anyway dads on here that ask for 50/50 are called bad because it’s not in the best interest of the children apparently and only doing it to reduce maintenance! He has the standard contact of eow, he’s not there to be at the beck and call of the op so she can work that’s what child care is for?! You think her ex should be staying over her house so she can work? 🫣

Congrats on getting your degree and getting out of a bad relationship.

But from my experience, and other women I know, he sees you as being responsible for child minding, because you're their mother. You could try mediation to try come up with an access pattern that is better for you and the kids - worked for a bit with my daughters ex but he moved away then.

Even without mediation you should tell him no calling in at bedtime with sweets- it's too disruptive, you're not with him and don't need him in your home.

It would be the decent thing to do. Unfortunately your experience has shown he is not a decent man.

Tjere is no point banging your head against a brick wall- unfortunately I think you will have to suck it up and find the childcare, or find a different job (not NMW, but one that accommodates child arrangements).

Does he pay you a decent amount of child support? I would make sure you make the calculations based on the amount of time he actually has them overnight, don’t take into account these random visits. And if he turns up at bedtime with sweets next time and it’s not his scheduled time, send him away!

Yep did all that, dropped any responsibility once he realised I was doing well in my career and life. He won't change so I'd always plan for him not helping. He should, he should do way more but never will all the time your doing well

I think you are fighting a losing battle. My ex kicked up a fuss about having our teens for a few extra days in the summer holidays requested on my behalf from Social services to give me respite as dd's have SN. Not consecutive days just ones here and there. The outcome was he didnt even spend one day a week with them. They dont stay overnight at all.

@SpinningFloppa they are his kids as much as mine so I feel that I’m shouldn’t be the one responsible for providing and paying for all the childcare while he doesn’t have to contribute toward it at all. And the point is that there is no other overnight childcare, if he won’t do it I can’t work.

@Confusedteacher no he doesn’t pay a reasonable amount of maintenance, he is self employed and makes up his income to suit his circumstances!

@Isithotinhere I wish I could tell him not to turn up with the sweets but it would just cause an argument in front of the kids, I’ve asked him to do it by text but he just ignores me because he knows I can’t do anything about it once he’s there.

Stop him turning up at bedtime with bags of sweets, that’s ridiculous and I’d stop opening the door to him. Having said that the boundaries are quite blurred if you think he should stay over in your house/his ex home and have the kids while you work.

He was a twat to move so far away but he did that a while ago and unless you got him to agree to covering the nights you’d have to work I wouldn’t have accepted the job as you don’t have suitable childcare. From his pov it’s your time to cover and it wasn’t in your contact agreement till it suited you.

You both seem to want flexibility but what you’re wanting is incompatible. He thinks he can rock up at bedtime, you think you can take a job with hours you can’t otherwise cover and expect him to stay in your house when it suits you.

YOU CAN NOT CONTROL HIS BEHAVIOUR.

You can control yours. Lots of women are in the same position as you and although it's shit that they have to...they manage.

1. Set some serious boundaries. Stick very strictly to contact arrangements. No more evening drop ins when he decides he can be arsed. This is hugely intrusive.

1. Make sure you are getting every penny of maintenance you are due. You said he's self employed so expect to be shafted.

1. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB. You need to be fulfilled and you will need to have higher earning power when/if he decides he's not paying for his children.

1. Ask for help. Make sure you are claiming all the benefits you are entitled to. Ignore his jibes about you being selfish asking for help. He has proven himself to be a selfish and manipulative asshat. Why on earth would you listen to a word he says.

1. Do not ask him for anything. Allow him to offer the bare minimum. He enjoys your requests for help and he enjoys turning you down. Do not give him the satisfaction. He will soon be raging that you are managing without him. And then incandescent that you are thriving without him.

I would firm up boundaries and he is no longer allowed to DC at your house. He is still controlling you and the DC.

Lock the doors, disconnect the bell and he can have them EOW.

He's a crap Dad so stop wasting his energy hoping or expecting better and focus on finding reliable overnight childcare. Local babysitters that will do a decent overnight sleepover rate perhaps?

@AnneLovesGilbert we have never had a formal contact arrangement because he won’t discuss or agree to anything. I have tried organising mediation but he won’t do it.

You’re right that I shouldn’t have accepted the job knowing I would have to work nights but I think I was just a bit desperate,it’s very unusual to be able to walk straight into a job like this in this sector. I was hoping if I can just stick it out long enough I will have some experience to use as leverage to be able to get out of the night work by next year.

I just find it incredibly frustrating that he could do any job he wanted at any hours he wanted without childcare ever having to cross his mind.

eow contact is the standard with perhaps dinner midweek, I think it’s unreasonable to expect your ex to stay over your house so you can work, maybe he is uncomfortable with that, I would be.

No contact arrangements. Just say you will make the DC available Saturday mornings 10am and if he hasn't collected by 10.15 you assume he isn't coming and you'll be in 5pm Sunday for him to drop them back.

You need to be utterly rigid and stick to it else he will control you forever.

I feel that he could just stay at mine with the kids but he refuses to do that. perfectly reasonable.

Should he help .. yes.. buy he doesn't have to.

Is there anyway you can structure your nights on his weekends ? This obviously is job dependent.

As for turning up at yours.. tbh i would stop it altogether. He can takethem our for tea if interested..

However if thats not what you want. Latest you can arrive is .... if you tirn up with sweets they won't get them.. Yourhouse,your rules..

As for the job.. really you should have asked him first but if he refuses you need to find another way

Yup. Stop letting him drop in whenever

I get it but plus side you get to see your kids loads