To expect my ex to take some responsibility for childcare

[Hoverfly1]

I’m sorry because this has more than likely been done to death here but I would like some opinions on who is being unreasonable here.

Me and my ex separated 2 years ago, I instigated the separation, never been another person involved or any issue like that, just because of what I perceived to be long term issues with controlling behaviour from him. I stayed in our rented house and he moved around 80 miles away because he wanted a change of location, he still works regularly in my area and travels here several days a week.

We were managing the kids fairly amicably until I finished my degree and started working, he has the kids at his every second weekend and will turn up at my house regularly in the evening on his way home from work which would be fine if it was after school but it’s normally at bedtime and he usually appears with huge bags of sweeties, which is really not an ideal situation from my point of view.

Since I have been working I have tried to make him commit to taking more responsibility for childcare but he doesn’t want to move back to this area so his contribution is extremely limited. Under extreme duress he has agreed to have them after school/ nursery 1 day per week, however it has recently come to light that he has regularly been picking my youngest child up late from nursery on this day, sometimes 2+ hours, and I have been paying for the extra time without realising.

I am currently only working 3 days a week although this is mainly became that’s all I can manage with out any more help with childcare. I also have to work 3-4 nights a month over the summer. He is self employed so for the most part he picks and chooses his own work schedule, he’s not very particularly hardworking and regularly takes days off just because he feels like it.

Things have recently come to a head because I would like him to look after the children overnight while I am working, he can’t do that at his house because he lives too far away to get them to school. I feel that he could just stay at mine with the kids but he refuses to do that. I have had to get my mum or friends to look after them for me overnight which was manageable in the school holidays but doesn’t really work now. My mum has a lot of issues which make it very difficult for her to stay at mine and look after my kids.

My ex told me not to bother asking him to look after them anymore through week because it’s not his fault that I have taken on a job that I can’t manage with the kids. He accused me of inconveniencing him and my mum/friends by asking them to ‘babysit’ just so I can do a job that shows off my degree and that I should just get a job in a supermarket or somewhere less demanding (I can’t really see that this would make a huge difference as I would still need childcare!).

I feel that the kids are our equal responsibility and if we are both working the we should be organising it so that we are sharing the childcare over the week, but right now I either provide or organise and pay for childcare 4.5 days of the working week. And really all I’m asking is for him to look after them overnight 3-4 nights per month, which doesn’t interfere with his ability to work. He seems to think that because I am the resident parent that all the responsibility for childcare is mine.

Picking up from nursery late and you’re paying? Send him the invoice! The guy’s a wanker.

He should be paying towards the childcare at the very least

Legally he is only required to pay cms, he is not required to pay for child care so the op can work. If he is only having them eow then this would reflect in his child maintenance payments anyway.

He pays the minimum amount of cm expected in him based on a likely fabricated income. His income IS low because he doesn’t work full time by choice, but he is self employed and he is probably not declaring his full earnings. It certainly seems to be less now that’s it ever has been in the past although I’ve never had full knowledge of his income so I can’t say for sure. The amount he is paying Isn’t enough to cover any amount of childcare.

Honestly, OP, don’t waste any more headspace with this. He’s a prize wanker and he’s not going to accept the responsibility of being a father. Accept it, as unfair as it is, and start to work with it and around it. You are on your own so look for solutions. Your local council should have someone who can advise on childcare in your area - there may well be childminders who will help out overnight, for example. I paid for full time childcare for 3 children because my job is unforgiving of lateness and problems with children (teacher), and my ex considered me his childcare so would disappear on holiday at no notice. My ex never paid a penny but was quite happy to use that childcare on his days with the children. It is absolutely unacceptable and has cost thousands over the years but I have a career and some pension and that is what I hold on to. Long term, I am OK. On the other hand, the tax dodging, maintenance dodging, self employed ex not so much.

And I think it is probably better for you , in the long run, that he is not staying in your home.

Thanks everyone for all the advice, I’m definitely giving up on him now, I don’t know why I kept fighting him about it for so long. I guess it’s just desperation and the sense of injustice, but it’s getting me nowhere.

I keep thinking back to when my sister died unexpectedly earlier this year and my ex wouldn’t even come and pick the kids up so I could go to my family, because it wasn’t his day to have them. So I had to sit sit home on my own with my kids processing the fact that my sister was dead.

On the day of her funeral he DID come to pick the kids up a day early so I didn’t have to take them with me but insisted on bringing them home a day early too so he didn’t have them an extra night.

I really don’t know why I’ve been expecting anything from him at all!

@SpinningFloppa What actually is the ideal is based on individual circumstances though surely, and working in the best interests of the children which evolve and change over time. Instead of sticking to prescriptive every other weekend as it’s the expected ‘norm’ irrespective of the child’s feelings, to enable the non resident parent to live their lives as they now chose to knowing full well this is at the ‘expense’ of the resident parent. I will never understand how society feels a non-resident parent seeing their children eow is sufficient as a parent. And it’s not about resident parents wanting to see their child less and palming them off it’s about creating a fair balance that works for everyone involved, children and parents, to make the best of the circumstances you find yourself in, which is what would happen if you were still a family unit. Unfortunately for this to happen it takes two parents who are fully on board and willing to work together and compromise their own needs and I know that this is very rarely the case.

My nurse friend has a night minder. Fully trained and works in a local daycare as main job. Might be worth asking around

YANBU (except suggesting he stays overnight at yours) but you’re wasting your energy trying to change him.

You say you split up because of your ex’s controlling behaviour, do you think this might be an extension of that? It really sounds to me like he’s exerting control from afar via the only route available to him.

Deliberately undermining you and ignoring your boundaries by turning up unannounced with sweets at bedtime, gaming the child maintenance system, telling you to take a job in a supermarket despite your qualifications, refusing to engage with mediation or set out an access agreement - these things are all on his terms and not for the benefit of your children. He doesn’t want you to succeed, he isn’t your ally.

I’m the daughter of the turns up with sweets at bedtime, pick you up when he wants, leaving you wait for hours at school dad. Kids need stability. Your son must feel rubbish if he’s excepting someone to pick him up and no one comes for hours.

Set clear boundaries with access on the weekend and if he doesn’t like that, tough. It’s a nightmare if you need help with childcare but you’re wasting your energy trying to get him to help and you’re allowing him to continue controlling the situation.

It’s really really hard but just stop asking him for “help” (it if shouldn’t be help, it should be him sharing responsibility but clearly he doesn’t see it that way).

Imagine he doesn’t exist, outside of EOW when he has the kids, stop letting him drop in (ignore any nonsense that you are “stopping him from seeing his kids, that is not true)

Stay with CMS and don’t engage in any conversations with him about his income or ask him for an extra penny. If he is ever 5 days late, go straight to collect and pay, no discussion with him. Apply for a variation of income and send to CMS with any proof you can find (can you find accounts at companies house online, for example?)

Every time you engage, even if he acting as if he is being nice, you give him power over you. He does not need to know a thing about you or your life or even your working arrangements. He just needs to pick up and drop off your DC when it is your contact time, if he misses it then you don’t make them available.

Ask nursery to call you if he is even 5 minutes late - you then go and pick up and he misses his contact time. And repeat. You need boundaries or steel. Stop explaining yourself, stop expecting anything and start relying on friends if you can, anyone but him.

I’m really sorry about your sister
💐

He showed you who he is that day.

My ex once refused to come and pick up 2 young DC, even though I had to take their sister to hospital as an emergency (had been to minor injuries and they told me to take her straight to our main hospital so she could be sedated if necessary).

When I called him to ask if he could take the others, so I could focus on their sister, he
informed me that it wasn’t “his weekend”, he was about to go to the gym, and that I shouldn’t be asking him for help.

So I had to take all 3 to A & E with me with one screaming in pain, and the other two hungry and stressed. It was chaos.

It was also the last time I asked for help. He was controlling and that was why I ended the marriage. It took me a long time to accept that he would never ever be reasonable, and that leaving me to try and cope, and hold down a job with no other support, was his way of punishing me still. It was SO hard at times, especially when they were little and got ill in winter a lot and I had to take time off work a lot and to look after then alone even if I was ill too.

As it happens, he also lies about his income, this seems common!

Moving on to today though, my two eldest stopped staying EOW as soon as they were at secondary school and were old enough to voice their opinions. One completely stopped going, one just stays one night if she doesn’t have other plans.

He was ever so sore about that - but that he what happens when a parent isn’t there for the big stuff, or even the small everyday stuff. When they stick rigidly to “their time”. There was no big drama between him and DC, they just don’t have much of a strong bond (as he doesn’t actually know them very well I think!)

It was so tough when they were young, but having teens (and working around them) is much easier than it was back then, and it was all worth it in the end.

(The little sister was also his DC as well by the way, he wasn’t even concerned about seeing her, just indignant that I had interrupted on way to gym, on his “weekend off” 😂)

only reading your responses @Hoverfly1 but I personally wouldn't facilitate mid week visits at your house.

Just make sure you set boundaries about him popping by after work just before their bedtime with arms full of sweets 🙄 he can’t have it all his way.
Love what you do for work 🦇 it sounds incredible.

I would have no qualms about reporting him to Inland Revenue that his declared income is insufficient to fund his lifestyle.

Self employed folk that don't pay their taxes don't deserve exemption plenty of self employed people do it all by the book.

If he isn't lying to the tax man he has nothing to worry out.

I forgot how old they are. But some child minders do overnights

Do you have any friends that you could offer a swap, trade overnights with