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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The almost-silent treatment?

61 replies

MeInCoventry · 23/09/2022 17:47

Not exactly the silent treatment, but… staying in his study all day/evening and only emerging for meals. Being icily polite. Not engaging in our usual banter or showing any interest in what I say/do. Leaving the house for periods of time and coming back in without explanation. (Normally we would say "I'm just popping to the shops" etc.) It's been going on since last Sunday — after we had a disagreement about how and when some out-of-date yogurt should be disposed of.

I really should know how to deal with this by now — we are in our 50s and got married in our 20s. We split up for most of our 30s and 40s as I couldn't tolerate his "moods" any longer and then recently we started co-habiting again. His father was exactly the same so he has grown up with this. But I really thought we were through with this shit. We had been getting along so well and being mutually supportive.

But now I have been reading on MN about how the silent treatment is "emotional abuse" and it seems to be fairly common! Does my situation count? It's not as if we're not speaking, but he is being so cold. If I challenge him on it he'll say he isn't feeling very well or that he is tired. He has been diagnosed with depression in the past.

Should I ignore? Tell him to book himself into a hotel until he's ready to talk about it? Go and stay with a friend? Leave him a note?

OP posts:
CruCru · 23/09/2022 17:50

Yes, your situation definitely counts.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 23/09/2022 17:53

I would definitely classify it as emotional abuse. I grew up with a father who indulged in the silent treatment and I cannot tell you how much I hate it. It's cruel and cowardly. I'd much rather a big row and then a discussion rather than this emotionally stunted bullshit that drags on and on.

Definitely confront him. Don't wait for him to get over it and then think 'ah well, things are okay now, better not rock the boat'. Rap on his study door and tell him either he snaps out of it now or he takes himself away somewhere to stew solo. But impress on him that from this day forward you are DONE with his silent treatment cruelty.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 23/09/2022 17:58

This isn't a relationship and you shouldn't be subjected to this behaviour at all.

As@MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake says, take control of this situation and tell him straight.

It's no way to live.

Original poster
MeInCoventry · 23/09/2022 18:02

Don't wait for him to get over it and then think 'ah well, things are okay now, better not rock the boat'. This is exactly how it always used to go!

OP posts:
Original poster
MeInCoventry · 23/09/2022 18:05

Right I am going to rock that boat. Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement.
I had arranged to go out with girlfriends this evening so might postpone the showdown until tomorrow.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 23/09/2022 18:09

Looks like you had the right idea when you split up with him.

Yes it’s abusive and it’s also just really fucking tiresome, immature and soul destroying shit.

Original poster
MeInCoventry · 23/09/2022 18:12

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/09/2022 18:09

Looks like you had the right idea when you split up with him.

Yes it’s abusive and it’s also just really fucking tiresome, immature and soul destroying shit.

I was convinced of that for a long time. But we know each other so well, and when he's good, he's very good…

If only he would grow up when it comes to discussing the disposal of old yoghurt and other such serious matters. His family was so dysfunctional I can't really blame him for how he is, but at the same time I don't want to be subjected to it!

OP posts:
Original poster
MeInCoventry · 23/09/2022 18:13

I can never figure out what he hopes to get out of it!

OP posts:
Choconut · 23/09/2022 18:17

I'm not prepared to live like this, if you can't deal with everyday issues and communicate like an adult then you need to stay somewhere else until you're ready to do so.

Sparkletastic · 23/09/2022 18:17

I think living apart might be the answer. Having that space might help you decide if you want to continue with the relationship at all. You shouldn't have to put up with this.

Choconut · 23/09/2022 18:18

Don't let him get away with this crap!

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/09/2022 18:27

You can blame him, an adult well into middle age, for not taking responsibility for his own dysfunction.

MumUndone · 23/09/2022 18:27

MeInCoventry · 23/09/2022 18:13

I can never figure out what he hopes to get out of it!

He's punishing you, that's what he's getting out of it - a sense of victory, superiority, and righteousness.

Bloodyusernamechangefailagain · 23/09/2022 18:30

The only thing you're being unreasonable about is putting up with his poor behaviour, bullying and inability to communicate in any adult manner for a guy in his 50s.
Life's too damn short. LTB

Brigante9 · 23/09/2022 19:53

Whose name is the house in? I couldn’t cope with this sort of behaviour, it’s horrible.

Original poster
MeInCoventry · 23/09/2022 23:49

Thanks all… I had started to wonder if this is just par for the course with relationships but it really isn't, is it. Brigante9 It's my house, in my name.
I still find it hard to accept that he really wants to punish me or feel superior.

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 24/09/2022 07:21

You say he’s ‘only emerging for meals’….
Meals that you are cooking , or does he cook for himself? I’m sure you find it hard to imagine that he’s doing this to punish you, but why do you think he’s behaving this way? Because he can? Because he gets something out of it? Is he being like this to friends, family and work colleagues or is it ‘just’ you?
Totally unacceptable behaviour personally, if it’s been a pattern in your relationship, it’s a behaviour he chooses. Just like you can choose to put up with it or challenge it or tell him to leave. Nobody should treat you like that in your own home.

Destinationdestination · 24/09/2022 07:28

Yes, it counts. Ignore him and if he doesn’t stop consider whether you’re getting what you want from relationship.

CrystalCoco · 24/09/2022 07:36

Well I think it's lovely that you gave the re-kindling of this relationship a go, the pull from the past can be really strong and people change and mature over the years, some people put to bed poor behaviour from their younger years.

Unfortunately your DP doesn't seem to be one of them. Back in the sea he goes. He's shown that this is him, take it or leave it, it's a part of him that I highly highly doubt will ever change. You deserve better x

RememberWhatMatters · 24/09/2022 07:44

My ex husband used to do this, he liked to do an extended period of silence, usually about 4 days. It was during one of these I decided to divorce him. The back peddling and panic from him when he realised that was his last 4 day-er was kind of sad. Poor soul thought he could carry on like that without consequence.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 24/09/2022 07:56

It's your house? I would pack his bags and tell him to get the hell out of it. If he can't respect you enough to even speak to you then he could fuck off as far as I'm concerned.

You know what, if you go upstairs now and start to pack his things he'll start talking pretty quickly. For me, that would be far too late.

Your mistake was thinking that this man would change. He won't.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/09/2022 07:59

He’s clearly not happy so do the decent thing and set him free. He can get his own house to sulk in.

Mummadeze · 24/09/2022 08:05

He is acting like this so next time you don’t disagree with his way of not just disposing of the yoghurt, but of everything. I live with someone like this. He has sulked for months / years in the past. But because I refuse to be controlled, he is pretty much in a permanent mood with me now to be honest. However I am past caring now. I used to be in the ups and downs phase when he was nice and then moody, and it was horrendous. Draining, upsetting, confusing. Now we just lead separate lives and only talk about our child it is better. But in answer to your question, yes, he is abusive. And it is no way to live.

Wombat27A · 24/09/2022 08:09

It's a stupid strategy on his part, given he doesn't have security of tenure (assuming not married).

Definitely control.

LovelyDaaling · 24/09/2022 08:12

Your house in your name- ideal. Does he have a property too? Are you divorced?
Silent treatment certainly isn't the norm.
The choice is his really. Stop sulking or start packing.

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