The almost-silent treatment?

[MeInCoventry]

Not exactly the silent treatment, but… staying in his study all day/evening and only emerging for meals. Being icily polite. Not engaging in our usual banter or showing any interest in what I say/do. Leaving the house for periods of time and coming back in without explanation. (Normally we would say "I'm just popping to the shops" etc.) It's been going on since last Sunday — after we had a disagreement about how and when some out-of-date yogurt should be disposed of.

I really should know how to deal with this by now — we are in our 50s and got married in our 20s. We split up for most of our 30s and 40s as I couldn't tolerate his "moods" any longer and then recently we started co-habiting again. His father was exactly the same so he has grown up with this. But I really thought we were through with this shit. We had been getting along so well and being mutually supportive.

But now I have been reading on MN about how the silent treatment is "emotional abuse" and it seems to be fairly common! Does my situation count? It's not as if we're not speaking, but he is being so cold. If I challenge him on it he'll say he isn't feeling very well or that he is tired. He has been diagnosed with depression in the past.

Should I ignore? Tell him to book himself into a hotel until he's ready to talk about it? Go and stay with a friend? Leave him a note?

Well, that went well (not)!

He came in from work; I asked him (while he still had his shoes and jacket etc on) to pop to the corner shop (literally 2 doors down) for some tomatoes so I could make dinner.

He replied in an aggressive voice "I'm going for a nap".
Me: Riiiight, fine.
Him (20 seconds later): What kind of tomatoes?
Me: Never mind. Forget about it.
Him: I said what kind of tomatoes.
Me: And I said forget about it.
Him: I don't care what you said, I said what kind of tomatoes.
Me: And I don't care what you said!

(all very mature, I know)

I went in the sitting room and closed the door. A minute later the door opens, and he says:
Is there something going on here?
Me: You tell me!
Him: I've been at work all day, stood for 1/2 an hour in the queue in the supermarket and now you want me to go straight back out again....
Me: You've been acting like a dick for the past week.
Him: Oh, have I really. [he then starts to go out of the room again]
Me: [speaking to retreating back] You don't have to be here if you don't want to, you know. You have your own home to go to.
Him: That's right, I do.
Me: So why don't you go to it then?
Him: Fine, I will.
Me: Great. Goodbye!

There was some mumbled retort to this but I couldn't make it out. He then went up to the study for a nap.

Time to play some loud music, op. Or hoover outside his study

Sorry that was passive aggressive! You need to have it out with him.

If that’s how you discuss things you’ll never get anywhere.

You need to say the words - ‘you are making me unhappy and I don’t want this anymore’

He sounds awful and you’ll be much happier when you get rid of him.

Which part? Do you mean because I told him to forget about the tomatoes? I was actually thinking I'd rather just go and get them myself at that point.

It is very immature. I can't believe we're both in our 50s!

Oh, I think you meant the hoovering/loud music suggestion!

I cannot believe you’re still cooking for him when he’s treating you so badly. Go and get yourself a lovely steak/salmon and cook dinner just for yourself. Kick him back to his own house. He doesn’t deserve to be there with you.

😳😳 can't he change the toilet roll or is that beneath him? Not chopping things properly- Id give him the knife and let him do it. Pack his bags or better still get him to do it as you probably would'nt do it correctly 😉

I feel tired just reading that.

When he finishes his 'nap' you need to ask him to leave. Tell him to pack his stuff and move back to his own house by the end of this weekend. Be brief, and be clear. Don't get into a snappy argument. Just tell him you've had enough of the sulking and you don't want him there any longer.

It's emotional abuse and it just drains you. My ex used to do this, but he'd also threaten to end our relationship, I'd then give in we'd 'talk' and all would go back to normal, until the next time. We were together 2 years, he did this several times, I told him if he did it again I would end it, he did so I dumped him by text! Packed his shit up, left it outside and never saw him again. He begged me to reconsider but I sent one final text saying no and that was it. You deserve so much more than these mind games.