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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The almost-silent treatment?

61 replies

MeInCoventry · 23/09/2022 17:47

Not exactly the silent treatment, but… staying in his study all day/evening and only emerging for meals. Being icily polite. Not engaging in our usual banter or showing any interest in what I say/do. Leaving the house for periods of time and coming back in without explanation. (Normally we would say "I'm just popping to the shops" etc.) It's been going on since last Sunday — after we had a disagreement about how and when some out-of-date yogurt should be disposed of.

I really should know how to deal with this by now — we are in our 50s and got married in our 20s. We split up for most of our 30s and 40s as I couldn't tolerate his "moods" any longer and then recently we started co-habiting again. His father was exactly the same so he has grown up with this. But I really thought we were through with this shit. We had been getting along so well and being mutually supportive.

But now I have been reading on MN about how the silent treatment is "emotional abuse" and it seems to be fairly common! Does my situation count? It's not as if we're not speaking, but he is being so cold. If I challenge him on it he'll say he isn't feeling very well or that he is tired. He has been diagnosed with depression in the past.

Should I ignore? Tell him to book himself into a hotel until he's ready to talk about it? Go and stay with a friend? Leave him a note?

OP posts:
Yupsuuuure · 24/09/2022 08:17

Get rid of him. He's never going to change and yes it's absolutely emotional abuse.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/09/2022 08:20

If this has been a long term pattern over decades, nothing will change now. Explain that you've had enough and this time don't change your mind.

Changemynamee · 24/09/2022 08:35

He is responsible for his behaviour. Most of us have had to learn social skills, in adult life, that we didn't learn in childhood. If you want to get along with someone, you make the effort, you don't use them as your passive aggressive punching bag. Go out with your girls and have fun, then hasta la vista baby. Sorry to quote bojo.

GroggyLegs · 24/09/2022 08:52

It's a power play. He gets to control the mood of your home while tormenting you.

I'm assuming you talked about why you separated last time? Pull him up on history repeating itself.

You're very willing to make excuses for his behaviour. Make no mistake, he's a grown man who's actively choosing to act this way when he knows it hurts you.

J0y · 24/09/2022 08:57

Rock that boat.

I voted you are being unreasonable but I meant, to put up with it! to have given this practitioner of the silent treatment a second chance! You're only in your 50s you could have thirty years (+) of peaceful contentment left if you get rid of this eejit.

My mum gives me the silent treatment and it is so punitive and manipulative. I am so annoyed thinking about bullies out there controlling their little empire with silent treatments.

Go to a lovely hotel for a couple of nights while you plan your divorce. x

J0y · 24/09/2022 08:58

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/09/2022 07:59

He’s clearly not happy so do the decent thing and set him free. He can get his own house to sulk in.

Yupp. Invite him to leave.

Original poster
MeInCoventry · 24/09/2022 11:11

Thanks all! This is so insightful. Thinking about it, on a previous occasion I said perhaps it would be a good idea to live apart again and he was really shocked! He said he was just trying to "process" things but you're right, he soon started talking!

But because I refuse to be controlled, he is pretty much in a permanent mood with me now to be honest. @Mummadeze I'm so sorry, this is awful.

In retrospect I think control is exactly what it's about. Leading up to this incident were numerous others where he would correct me on how I was doing something or point out my negligence in some area (leaving a cupboard door ajar, not changing the toilet roll before it was all used up, not chopping things properly)… and I would either agree or laugh it off, but I was starting to wonder why he is even here as I apparently irritate him so much!
So when the yogurt incident happened I just snapped and told him to do it himself.

It's a shame really, because we do connect on a deeper level, to let petty irritations spoil everything. But I guess I have to decide if this is a deal breaker for me. I think it is.

@goody2shooz Yes, he emerges to eat meals that I cook (we have informally assigned roles for household chores). And it's just me at the moment, although this is a standard pattern of behavior in his family.

@CrystalCoco Yes I really thought he had changed!

OP posts:
ParentallyUnprepared · 24/09/2022 11:15

Mummadeze · 24/09/2022 08:05

He is acting like this so next time you don’t disagree with his way of not just disposing of the yoghurt, but of everything. I live with someone like this. He has sulked for months / years in the past. But because I refuse to be controlled, he is pretty much in a permanent mood with me now to be honest. However I am past caring now. I used to be in the ups and downs phase when he was nice and then moody, and it was horrendous. Draining, upsetting, confusing. Now we just lead separate lives and only talk about our child it is better. But in answer to your question, yes, he is abusive. And it is no way to live.

This is no way to live either, @Mummadeze

J0y · 24/09/2022 11:25

My x was like this (and my mum, although I don't live with her) just training you constantly to be no trouble, to never question them, never ask them to inconvenience themself in any small way for you. Obviously my mum did this to me and then I ended up with my x. He is the same. He was training me. He even said to me once ''well done, we're getting on well at the moment'' and it was a week where I felt particularly ground down and I'd been putting up and shutting up as nothing seemed worth defending. And in my ground down lifeless state he thought well done, we're ''getting on''. Wow.

Original poster
MeInCoventry · 24/09/2022 11:28

I almost find it hard to believe there are men that don't do this! (Are there?)

My father was moody in his younger years but hasn't been now for 30 years or more, since he retired from work. One of my sisters has inherited this behavior too, but we don't see one another enough for it to be a problem. And one of my other sisters was with a man for many years who did this all the time, to an extreme! Once he just walked off in the middle of a sightseeing trip on a holiday abroad and went home! She ditched him eventually.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeInCoventry · 24/09/2022 11:30

He even said to me once ''well done, we're getting on well at the moment'' @J0y OMG and I get left complimentary notes when I've left the kitchen tidy enough for his satisfaction. Oh my god. How have I been so stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeInCoventry · 24/09/2022 11:35

I mean, yes I agree that it would be nice if the house was pristine all the time and I never forgot to close a cupboard door. But I'm just not like that.

I do think people can choose whether to let things irritate them or not or to focus on the good. He could have thought, "yes she forgot to throw the old yogurt out but she did just pay for all of this week's food shopping to be delivered....".

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 24/09/2022 11:38

Go back to what you did in your 30's/40's and separate.

Do you have children?

goody2shooz · 24/09/2022 11:42

@MeInCoventry OMG He actually has the bloody cheek to tick you off about not changing the loo roll/chopping thing PROPERLY???? Who the helm does he think he IS?? Sorry but I’m raging on your behalf. It’s the arrogance of it, as well as the sheer nastiness. Please get rid of him. He hasn’t changed and he won’t change. You connect on a deeper level? I would query that tbh. He is awful to treat you that way - and it is only you who gets it, and takes it.

Original poster
MeInCoventry · 24/09/2022 11:53

goody2shooz · 24/09/2022 11:42

@MeInCoventry OMG He actually has the bloody cheek to tick you off about not changing the loo roll/chopping thing PROPERLY???? Who the helm does he think he IS?? Sorry but I’m raging on your behalf. It’s the arrogance of it, as well as the sheer nastiness. Please get rid of him. He hasn’t changed and he won’t change. You connect on a deeper level? I would query that tbh. He is awful to treat you that way - and it is only you who gets it, and takes it.

I try to view it as his way of trying to being helpful! Maybe I have MUG written on my head in great big letters.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeInCoventry · 24/09/2022 11:54

Crunchymum · 24/09/2022 11:38

Go back to what you did in your 30's/40's and separate.

Do you have children?

No children!

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 24/09/2022 12:03

Why can’t HE do the chopping and sort the loo roll or do the cooking or the shopping if he’s the expert at it? And if you leave a door ajar is it acceptable to treat you like this?Are you his servant? Are you HAPPY to put up with this for the next week, never mind another thirty years?

blockpavingismynightmare · 24/09/2022 12:06

It is abuse. It's about control and even if he is ill he knows the difference between right and wrong. He's a full grown man ffs. I would give him an ultimatum to make him snap out of it

GroggyLegs · 24/09/2022 12:17

MeInCoventry · 24/09/2022 11:30

He even said to me once ''well done, we're getting on well at the moment'' @J0y OMG and I get left complimentary notes when I've left the kitchen tidy enough for his satisfaction. Oh my god. How have I been so stupid.

Oh my life.

Like he's completing a "how did we do" card in a hotel??

So patronising.

SisterCassandra · 24/09/2022 12:35

I’ve been reading this with growing astonishment, you remind me of the frog in the slowly heating water, tolerating and adapting till you can’t see the steam starting to rise! I assume your fathers similar behaviour gave you the idea that all men behave like this. Absolutely not. A lot of them are evolved enough to talk when upset and try to resolve things. If he’s ever going to have any kind of healthy successful relationship your dp needs to accept his behaviour is controlling and deeply unpleasant. That’s the only way to change, accept, understand and learn other ways of reacting to situations that displease him. He’s not done it over the last 20 years, he probably never will. Get out of this dysfunctional relationship.

IVbumble · 24/09/2022 12:50

It would be wise to give him the almost silent please leave by the end of the week treatment.

Imagine the peacefulness you will feel once he's gone. You are fully competent to provide nice times for yourself.

Please read 'why does he do that' by Lindy Bancroft or do the freedom programme on line.

Mojoj · 24/09/2022 12:54

I'd tell him to go find his own place to sit and sulk in. Immature, pathetic behaviour and, regardless of his upbringing, he's choosing to behave like this. So, I'd choose to call it a day. Good luck.

Original poster
MeInCoventry · 24/09/2022 14:09

Some excellent suggestions here!

He is a very good person at heart who had a dysfunctional upbringing and horrible parents. That's why I find it difficult to be hard-nosed about it. But I can see that I will have to do this.

(He had already gone to bed (in his study) when I came in last night and left the house before I got up this morning, so I haven't had the conversation yet.)

Thank you all for giving me a lift today. x x

OP posts:
Original poster
MeInCoventry · 24/09/2022 14:10

@SisterCassandra I might buy myself a little frog brooch as a reminder!

OP posts:
J0y · 24/09/2022 14:28

You dont have to be hard nosed. You have to put yourself first and understand that that is not being hard-nosed xx

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