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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum hasn’t bought anything for my baby

80 replies

ktlgh · 23/09/2022 15:04

Context, i’m 31 weeks pregnant, this is mine and my partners first child.
We have a baby shower planned, unfortunately 2 weeks before my due date to accommodate my mum and little sister due to said little sister’s dance commitments - mum would refuse to move/rearrange, and its important to me they are both there so i’ve had to take the risk of having the baby shower close to my due date.
Now, she hasn’t bought a single thing for the baby, or even mentioned any kind of gift she’d like to get, which would be fine if she hadn’t done this for my brother’s child as well, but she did.
I don’t want anything expensive, literally a card and a blanket or something would be perfect, but i know if i mention it to her, she will try to use money as an excuse; yet she goes to her friends most weekends and finds £20 to spend on bottle of alcohol and taxi home.
This is where it upsets me, I feel she can be quite selfish and if she comes to the baby shower without anything I will be a bit upset, but i don’t know if thats me being unreasonable and I shouldn’t expect anything but her presence there.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 23/09/2022 16:29

Is she anticipating you won’t need big items as your brother can lend them - cots and prams used to be shared in families (I passed everything on to my brothers baby 2 years after DD then they passed everything on)

Moveoverdarlin · 23/09/2022 16:29

I buy gifts when the baby is here. Not a day before and certainly not 9 weeks before. Get pissy if and when she doesn’t get you a present when the baby is here. Could be a superstitious thing too, I couldn’t bare the thought of a baby shower as I just thought it was jinxing it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/09/2022 16:30

You are thinking about something going wrong when it hasn't even happened yet. Just focus on yourself and your baby and try to plan some relaxing/distracting things.

I can understand if your younger sister is committed to attending dance events/classes that she can't just give them up as it may involve other people and as they couldn't come on the date you suggested and that they would ask if your shower ( which is not tied to one date) could be on a date they can come. It really doesn't sound like a snub. She didn't say they wouldn't come even if you could change the date.

Anticipating problems before they happen when its quite possible they might not will only upset you. Wishing you all the best

AriettyHomily · 23/09/2022 16:32

Why do you need a present at 31 weeks?

londonrach · 23/09/2022 16:34

Yabu. never ever ever buy any presents for a baby pre birth as it's vvvv bad luck. I'm sure you spoil your baby with gifts when baby is here

viques · 23/09/2022 16:36

“a card and a blanket would be fine” , oh come on, you have cared enough to write a public post slagging off your mother and having little digs at he, you know full well that if she turned up with only a card and a blanket you would hold it against her for ever and bring it up every time you had a disagreement! I hope it is just the hormones talking and that you are not usually so mean minded.

LifeIsaRollerCoaster1 · 23/09/2022 16:43

You are 31 weeks pregnant you havent had a baby yet, a lot of people don't like to buy things before the baby arrives. I only bought basics for my first child before they arrived, people including my mum, dad, siblings bought things once they arrived safely. Baby showers are quite grabby, a lot of people aren't keen on them.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 23/09/2022 16:44

Did your brother and/or his partner have a baby shower?

Maybe your mum will buy the baby a gift when it’s born and doesn’t want to be part of baby shower gifts. Lots of people don’t really like baby showers and the expectation that people bring gifts.

TowerStork · 23/09/2022 16:45

Do you actually need things unfront thar your mother could help with? If not, you will drive yourself nuts comparing how your mother treats your child versus your brother's. Keeping tabs on it will make you sound and feel bitter.

Unless you think your mother is being especially mean or there's some history you need to address I'd let it go. At various points my mother provided money for some of us and not others. My baby got only small gifts. My nephews gor bigger gifts. Different needs and relationships. We don't measure love and support by the gifts we get.

milveycrohn · 23/09/2022 16:46

A baby shower is a relatively new concept in the UK. They were probably not around when your Mum had her children. In fact when I had my DC, it was considered bad luck to buy stuff before the baby was born!
If she comes and does not bring anything, I am quite sure she will be embarrassed when you open all the presents from your other friends, who will have brought you something.

Anamechangeisasgoodasarest · 23/09/2022 16:47

You've name changed mid thread @ktlgh, so a lot of people will think that you haven't come back to the thread!

Dixiechickonhols · 23/09/2022 16:48

Just out of curiosity what would card say at 31 weeks? Dear dd congratulations on your pregnancy? I’ve only ever sent cards once baby there - congratulations on birth of your baby.
Do people take cards to baby showers?!

Lacey247 · 23/09/2022 16:51

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/09/2022 15:14

Baby showers are naff.
No one owes you anything for your baby other than the Father.

Exactly this. I hate the idea of a having a baby shower. It’s like people just have them so they get bought free gifts. I think it’s pretty awful you’re expecting your mum to buy you anything tbh. Her presence should be more than enough

Dixiechickonhols · 23/09/2022 16:51

Another thought is is your Mum anxious about meeting your boyfriend’s family? I went to a christening where it was first time both families met and it was all a bit awkward.

focuspocus · 23/09/2022 17:07

I would have said ywbu until you said she bought DB stuff. I'm not a gift or baby shower person but inequality does hurt. YANBU to be hurt by your DM treating your sibling differently.

5128gap · 23/09/2022 17:11

Lacey247 · 23/09/2022 16:51

Exactly this. I hate the idea of a having a baby shower. It’s like people just have them so they get bought free gifts. I think it’s pretty awful you’re expecting your mum to buy you anything tbh. Her presence should be more than enough

Show quote history

Agree. If my DD held one I'd be a very reluctant guest as I'd be embarrassed by her literally asking for gifts in this way. I thought that if they happened at all they were supposed to be arranged by other people like your work colleagues or friends who wanted to give you gifts, not yourself to get them to. In fact, I'd be so reluctant I'd have used the dance thing as my excuse.

User38899953 · 23/09/2022 17:13
  1. You are not owed a present.
  2. You haven't yet had your baby shower.
  3. Baby isn't here yet.

But silly to already have the hump about it

Hyacinth2 · 23/09/2022 17:16

This is an unusual set up - usually on MN the DD gets all the attention and her DCs are the DGM's main interest and the DB and his DC are ignored.

UNLessssssss - he is golden boy, always spoiled by his parents, can do no wrong.

If that is the case then things may not bode well. However...... DM might change her tune, she might favour your child once it's born, are the babies the same sex, if not she might prefer one sex to the other.

Anyway it is early days - at least you have been warned.....

Somethingneedstochange · 23/09/2022 17:20

She might not want to mention what she has planned to get you. She might want to keep it as a surprise. If you don't know if you're having a boy or girl she might want to wait until baby is born. A lot of my family did. I never found out they're gender it's like opening your preasent's before Christmas. She also has your younger sister to think of. You should have asked if the date was ok before confirming.

Fundays12 · 23/09/2022 17:24

You still have weeks to go and are having a baby shower so she will probably bring a gift then. I tend to avoid them personally but if your mum has said she is coming that’s when gifts get given.

NotOnTheSofa · 23/09/2022 17:29

Its not about being "grabby" or "owed" anything, that's kBuying gifts for your daughter's baby is a perfectly normal way of showing love. I'd be hurt too op x

NotOnTheSofa · 23/09/2022 17:30

That's kind of a sad way to look at it* is what I meant to say...

Pinkdelight3 · 23/09/2022 17:32

Unless you're looking for problems, try not to keep thinking about comparisons to your brother. It won't make you happy. Your baby will make you happy. Focus on what you've got, not what you don't have or what your brother got. Your mum's behaviour is beyond your control.

mam0918 · 23/09/2022 17:47

Why do you feel entitled to a free ride?

You chose to have a baby, its no one elses job to 'shower' you with gifts its YOUR job to provide everything, your mother already did her part when you where the baby.

The whole thing is just tacky and the probably made excuses noy to come because they dont want to be a part of a shameless gift grab (and your clearly all about gifts).

As for why treat you differently, its likely your attitude... I ALWAYS treat my kids equal but if any started demanding stuff (baby showers, money for a wedding etc...) and acting entitled in adulthood then I would delibrately STOP doing it. I enjoy giving them things but wont be made a doormat of by a grabby person and it takes all the joy out of it replacing it with resentment.

Favouritefruits · 23/09/2022 18:07

Some people just don’t think present are necessary my second son is 5, I’m still waiting on a ‘new baby’ gift from my inlaws! Just don’t take it personally.

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