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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum hasn’t bought anything for my baby

80 replies

ktlgh · 23/09/2022 15:04

Context, i’m 31 weeks pregnant, this is mine and my partners first child.
We have a baby shower planned, unfortunately 2 weeks before my due date to accommodate my mum and little sister due to said little sister’s dance commitments - mum would refuse to move/rearrange, and its important to me they are both there so i’ve had to take the risk of having the baby shower close to my due date.
Now, she hasn’t bought a single thing for the baby, or even mentioned any kind of gift she’d like to get, which would be fine if she hadn’t done this for my brother’s child as well, but she did.
I don’t want anything expensive, literally a card and a blanket or something would be perfect, but i know if i mention it to her, she will try to use money as an excuse; yet she goes to her friends most weekends and finds £20 to spend on bottle of alcohol and taxi home.
This is where it upsets me, I feel she can be quite selfish and if she comes to the baby shower without anything I will be a bit upset, but i don’t know if thats me being unreasonable and I shouldn’t expect anything but her presence there.

OP posts:
ShesThunderstorms · 23/09/2022 15:30

Has she told you she's planning to not get a present for the baby?

NewYorkLassie · 23/09/2022 15:33

We’re not expecting gifts at the baby shower

Do you not realise the whole concept of a baby shower is to shower the baby/family with gifts?

Loginmystery · 23/09/2022 15:33

I’d actually take up dancing just to get out of going to a baby shower. And I’m 58

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2022 15:34

NewYorkLassie · 23/09/2022 15:33

We’re not expecting gifts at the baby shower

Do you not realise the whole concept of a baby shower is to shower the baby/family with gifts?

This. It's literally what they are for.

Original poster
ktlgh · 23/09/2022 15:35

That may be the issue with the way i worded it - i’m not expecting anything now, i meant she hasn’t asked or prepared or done anything in preparation for the baby shower - but again, she did for my brothers child, even going to the effort of making a hamper for brothers partner of all mum to be stuff - and not for their shower, just as gifts through the pregnancy.
Could it maybe be that was her first grandchild so she went above and beyond but this time its kinda…old news? 😂
That is why the though crossed my mind, it brings up those thoughts of - why would she for my brothers partner, but not for me, if that makes sense.
Again, pregnant and hormonal which of course doesn’t help.

OP posts:
Original poster
ktlgh · 23/09/2022 15:36

For us it hasn’t been - family live broad and wide over the UK - partner’s family have arranged it and invited everyone as its his sides first grandchild - i guess baby shower may be completely the wrong term which is my fault - apologies!

OP posts:
Readinginthesun · 23/09/2022 15:43

When my DB and SIL had their first , my parents gave them the pram and a cheque for £1000 ( this was in the 70s) . 10 years later I had my first and received a Boots token for £10 . I am assuming this isn’t the only unfair instance OP ? Certainly wasn’t with me !
I have always done my best to treat my DC equally as I know how much it hurts .

Original poster
ktlgh · 23/09/2022 15:43

Yes, this makes sense
(also, devils avacado - brilliant 😂)

i dont think i was clear enough in my original post which is my own fault - the thought has only popped into my head as she went above and beyond for my brothers partners pregnancy and baby - throughout.
but then it was her first grandchild - the excitement may have took over and this time round its just not the same for her perhaps.

OP posts:
Original poster
ktlgh · 23/09/2022 15:44

Readinginthesun · 23/09/2022 15:43

When my DB and SIL had their first , my parents gave them the pram and a cheque for £1000 ( this was in the 70s) . 10 years later I had my first and received a Boots token for £10 . I am assuming this isn’t the only unfair instance OP ? Certainly wasn’t with me !
I have always done my best to treat my DC equally as I know how much it hurts .

I think you get it. No its not the only instance, which is why i’m already thinking about it - again, my fault, should have provided more context

OP posts:
BeanieTeen · 23/09/2022 15:47

You’re only 31 weeks - there’s still loads of time to buy something. I don’t see what the issue is here you’re getting upset over something that has literally not happened.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/09/2022 15:49

I was going to say there’s still plenty of time for her to turn up with a gift, @ktlgh, but it is clear from your updates that your mum is treating you very differently to your SIL - that is wrong and you have every reason to feel hurt by it.

I have three dses, and my eldest and his wife had their first child earlier this year. I tried not to get too carried away, before the baby was born - they don’t have a big house, and I didn’t want to overstep, but I bought some outfits, and knitted a blanket and cardigan from the baby - oh, and I started buying books for the baby. I cannot imagine not doing the same as and when the other two have children.

We do,our best to treat our children equitably and fairly - I can’t comprehend parents who don’t do this.

lghrssll · 23/09/2022 15:53

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/09/2022 15:49

I was going to say there’s still plenty of time for her to turn up with a gift, @ktlgh, but it is clear from your updates that your mum is treating you very differently to your SIL - that is wrong and you have every reason to feel hurt by it.

I have three dses, and my eldest and his wife had their first child earlier this year. I tried not to get too carried away, before the baby was born - they don’t have a big house, and I didn’t want to overstep, but I bought some outfits, and knitted a blanket and cardigan from the baby - oh, and I started buying books for the baby. I cannot imagine not doing the same as and when the other two have children.

We do,our best to treat our children equitably and fairly - I can’t comprehend parents who don’t do this.

Yes - which is why i apologised in how my post was very unclear and not detailed enough - my bad completely!
Thats the bit that i’m feeling iffy on, the difference in how she treats us - maybe like yourself, other parents that maybe do this could say yes we treated each child equally as long as circumstances allowed - or if not, if its not intentional and i don’t need to worry/be upset over it

mathanxiety · 23/09/2022 15:54

Yes, what you've described - partner's family arranging it and inviting people - is a proper baby shower.

Don't cross bridges until you come to them - all of this may turn out fine in the end, as long as there isn't a long standing pattern of your mother favoring your brother.

Your mum is going to feel a right ninny if she turns up empty handed and everyone else brings something. Or maybe she she prefers to wait until the baby is born to send a gift. Some people consider a gift before the baby arrives to be a case of counting chickens before they're hatched.

Is it possible she's feeling a bit put out that your partner's family have arranged all of this without input from her? Some people will neither lead nor follow, but when others get ahead of them, as they see it, it puts their noses out of joint.

tonightelmowillrise · 23/09/2022 15:58

are you not embarrassed to be this grabby?

lghrssll · 23/09/2022 15:59

mathanxiety · 23/09/2022 15:54

Yes, what you've described - partner's family arranging it and inviting people - is a proper baby shower.

Don't cross bridges until you come to them - all of this may turn out fine in the end, as long as there isn't a long standing pattern of your mother favoring your brother.

Your mum is going to feel a right ninny if she turns up empty handed and everyone else brings something. Or maybe she she prefers to wait until the baby is born to send a gift. Some people consider a gift before the baby arrives to be a case of counting chickens before they're hatched.

Is it possible she's feeling a bit put out that your partner's family have arranged all of this without input from her? Some people will neither lead nor follow, but when others get ahead of them, as they see it, it puts their noses out of joint.

I completely agree, and what you’ve said makes sense - i think the thought more cropped up because she went above and beyond for my brother, partner & baby, even before any shower or the birth - so i know it’s unfortunately not a case of her not wanting to buy too early etc. that would make sense and i wouldn’t even bat an eyelid.

No she doesn’t feel put out, that is one thing i know for certain - she is ecstatic that they are taking on the planning and she doesn’t have to bother - this is kinda what she’s like 🥺

lghrssll · 23/09/2022 16:00

tonightelmowillrise · 23/09/2022 15:58

are you not embarrassed to be this grabby?

Perhaps it is - for me its more about the lack of any effort - but that she’s done the complete opposite for my brother, his partner and their baby

lghrssll · 23/09/2022 16:01

lghrssll · 23/09/2022 16:00

Perhaps it is - for me its more about the lack of any effort - but that she’s done the complete opposite for my brother, his partner and their baby

Show quote history

and that**

JustLyra · 23/09/2022 16:05

tonightelmowillrise · 23/09/2022 15:58

are you not embarrassed to be this grabby?

It's not remotely grabby to be upset that her mother is treating her pregnancy vastly differently to her brother's DP's pregnancy. Not at all.

Mariposista · 23/09/2022 16:05

Ughh unless you are American, even having a baby shower is unreasonable. I'm sure your mum will have plenty of time to empty her purse once the baby is born.

Brefugee · 23/09/2022 16:07

Just talk to your mum, OP. The whole idea of baby showers is so barmy that i can't wrap my head round it.

Get used to it, nobody in the universe, with the possible exception of the baby's father, will be as remotely interested in your child as you are. Set your expectations early.

lghrssll · 23/09/2022 16:09

Brefugee · 23/09/2022 16:07

Just talk to your mum, OP. The whole idea of baby showers is so barmy that i can't wrap my head round it.

Get used to it, nobody in the universe, with the possible exception of the baby's father, will be as remotely interested in your child as you are. Set your expectations early.

Haha yeah - i often see the no one wants to see the photos of your baby etc on fb, i completely understand that 😂

again, for my mum though, how she was/is with my brothers pregnancy/baby is just so different it stumped me!

Brefugee · 23/09/2022 16:15

First baby/grandchild is always exciting. But sorry your parents were so much more generous with your brother, @lghrssll - that stings a lot.

It really does come as a shock to some parents - especially for a pfb - that their baby is totally boring to everyone else who don't want to see 437 pictures of it being "so cute, cutest baby ever" 😁

MelodyPondsMum · 23/09/2022 16:20

I mean your DB might be the golden child. The first grandchild might have been more exciting than the second (only joking! all babies are amazing!) but it also might be that she feels more protective of you than she did of SIL, and so is waiting until later.
I have lots of siblings. My DM had lots of GCs. When I was pregnant with my first, I had a few issues - baby was breech; I had gestational diabetes. I assumed my DM would shrug them all off because she'd had horrendous pregnancies and she'd been through so many pregnancies with my sisters and SILs. But when I told her the baby had turned, she burst into tears. She had been so worried about me. It hadn't even crossed my mind. Maybe your DM's emotions about your pregnancy are more complicated than they were towards your SIL's. Flowers

Dixiechickonhols · 23/09/2022 16:23

There obviously a lot of baggage between you but as a standalone issue it’s odd to buy before baby is here. Until recently it was seen as bad luck/tempting fate eg pram would be stored at shop a relatives mindful of the fact that not everyone pregnant woman comes home with a healthy baby.
If it’s support you want and are expressing this as gifts just talk to her. It’s natural to want some support at a vulnerable time.

2bazookas · 23/09/2022 16:27

If she's going to the baby shower, surely that's where she will take any gift?

Isn't that what babyshowers are for, strong-arming the guests into all bringing a gift?

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