To wonder when it is bad enough to leave, or change schools?

[Justonecat]

In brief dd is struggling in year 8. She went through year 7 as a shadow of her former self and while we were hopeful that year 8 might be better for her, she just broke down in tears yesterday saying she is having a dreadful time in school. I’m wondering how much time to give this before we need to consider making changes. More details below but this is my question in a nutshell. Sorry that this is so long.

My question to you:

• how much time do we give this before we need to make changes? I worry that years of this will eventually have a huge impact on her well-being, personality and learning
• Is it ever an option to ask to change classes? Has anyone done this and how did it work out?

Background if any interest:

Dd just started year 8 after a tumultuous year 7, where she struggled to find her feet in her new school. She hasn’t had social difficulties previously, during lockdown things were of course not great but otherwise she had a happy time in primary school.

In year 7 she started out not knowing anyone in her new school. I believe she approached things with an open mind, and I think she did ok initially as her new classmates voted for her to be a class councillor in one of the first weeks in school. But things very quickly took a turn, she didn’t communicate this to us until the spring term but she became isolated and spent most of the year not having any friends to spend breaks with. We had what I would describe as two major breakdowns in year 7, when she was very upset at home about her life at school.

We spoke to the school and they were very understanding and said they would keep an eye on things but it’s a big school, with lots of other drama in her year, so not easy to monitor. It’s also difficult to address something like this when it’s low level hostility and exclusion, it’s not like she has experienced anything very tangible which could be addressed more directly.

She had a great summer and was eventually back to her old happy self. We were hopeful that year 8 would bring more calm to her year, and that the girls would all come back a bit more mature.

Yesterday she broke down crying. She eventually told me that she is having a dreadful time again. She seems to sit alone most breaks. The other girls are sometimes a bit hostile towards her as well, for example if she asks a practical question they’ll eye roll give her a snappy non answer. They will generally ignore her. There has been a little bit of name calling as well, mostly related to her size. Not nice, but nothing too horrific. It’s not the impact of any specific incident, it’s the sum total of many small unfriendly gestures and the isolation which is becoming too much for her.

Things she/we have tried, or will try:

• Organise after school get togethers, never any takers (she has a busy after school life doing a sport so she does have other people in her life)
• Speak to the school who previously offered to discreetly pair her up with someone friendly, we will try this now

Poor kid.

This was me for most of school. I moved many times but it was always the same.

I finally found my people (after a year of failing to at that same school) at a low end private school, when I was about 16. It helps that some of the usual suspects leave at age 16 and the atmosphere improves!

Your OH needs to appreciate that 'trying harder to make connections' really mostly doesn't work at that age. If there are any other people who seem to get bullied or left out she could try approaching them but it's not perfect. My 'best friend' at school at that age was someone who confessed later to others that she always hated me. Just neither of us had anyone else so we hung out together a bit. Depressing.

I think I would say, move her if you can't get a class change. You promised you would, and she's not going to be helped academically by being so miserable so that reduces the advantage of her current school from a schooling perspective.

Just be aware it may not be any better in the next place.

Move her. My children are significantly happier from moving schools. Beyond recognition.

Poor kid.

Move her move her move her!

There’s virtually nothing the school can do to fix low level bullying and exclusion.
Best option is a fresh start at a new school while you still have a hope of salvaging her self confidence. Could she go to another school that does the sport she currently does after school, so she has something straight away that she’s good at and will meet other people through?

FWIW I was excluded and isolated like that at a selective state school between the ages of 12 and 16. It wrecked my confidence and I never entirely got it back = to this day I do not have a single friend from that period of my life. My parents wouldn’t listen and kept putting it down to “girls will be girls”. Don’t be like them!

The same thing happened to me from around year 8 onwards until I left for 6th form. It was miserable and I felt my parents (teachers, one at the school) although supportive in many ways didn’t want to actually do anything because it was too inconvenient and/or embarrassing for them. The feeling of being stuck and alone for years, and the shame of trying to hide how miserable it was, is still very vivid. I still think about it almost everyday despite having a lovely family, lots of good friends and a great career. It might have helped if I’d changed to the other side of the school, but if the school won’t do that, or it doesn’t work you definitely need a plan B to get her out. I have great parents but I still feel they did fail me through their lack of action, and although we are close in some ways there will always be a distance there as a result. Good luck finding a solution.

We started to think about moving my daughter in year 8. She had started ok in Y7 and had found one friend but was put firmly in the "irrelevant group" by the popular girls. Then the pandemic lockdowns hit.

She went back into Y8 and was miserable and the bullying started. She became very anxious ( panic attacks before and during school)

The school suggested counselling but then said their waiting list was very long. We paid for private counselling but the bullying continued.

We made enquiries with a private school at the end of October of Y8 and she was just about to have a taster day when she became seriously ill so missed it and lost her place at the new school Then the second lockdown happened so she was at home anyway for three months ( and was also shielding at that point).

She went back to the original school after lockdown and things were worse than ever. She developed OCD, an eating disorder and the panic attacks continued. I then discovered she was spending her entire lunch break in the disabled toilets ( she had a pass because of her illness but she just used the loo as a safe place )

I put her on the waiting list for the private school and she finally got a place at the school when it expanded in size and started at beginning it Y9.

She has been welcomed with open arms by the girls at the new school and says she is really happy there. She has made lots of lovely friends and gets invited out all of the time.

Sadly the problems she had at the old school have had a long term effect. We are now trying to get help with her OCD and her anger about everything that has happened to her. She still occasionally has anxiety attacks the night before school and will get up at 6:30am to make sure her appearance is just right so no-one will have an excuse to bully her ( even though no one at her new school ever has)

So moving schools is a good idea but leave it too long and the damage will be hard to fix.

Your poor daughter. You're right, this low-level nastiness really does have an effect over time. It's worth trying another school, and maybe also talking more to your daughter's home educated friends and their parents about what that could look like.

My kids have always been home educated and have a very active social life. The other kids aren't perfect, but any unpleasantness tends to be a blip which is easier to resolve because they aren't stuck with the same group of people for 30 hours a week. There can be a sort of "pack mentality" at school where no one dares to befriend a less popular child for fear of being judged or ostracised themselves. But when kids instead get together in various groups over the course of a week, the fear of ostracism is less intense and so they are able to interact in a more genuine way. Your daughter may have found this already at her sports club.