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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband says I have no empathy

70 replies

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 19:43

Just had a row with my husband who says I lack empathy and don't take care of him properly when he's sick or feeling down (I had my best friend telling me this too once a while back).

In a nutshell, he has difficult time at work and due to unforseen circumstances not well off financially. It makes him very worried. I said multiple times to get the work situation sorted as it's affecting both of us very negatively. And finance wise it just seems never ending lately. So I am a bit pissed off with him with all that's going on. Today yet again he came home very teary and unhappy. I initially got annoyed (yet again) but then tried being as nice as I could and asked what happened. This hugely annoyed him and he stopped talking to me. Doesn't stay with me in the same room. He thinks I should know by now what's wrong and why he's unhappy and I'm very insensitive.

Tbh, I think he acts as a child and needs to get his shit sorted. I think he's upset and just takes it out on me.

AIBU?

PS. He can be very emphatic and does take good care of me when needed. And we agreed he's much better at this than me. Due to many reasons I'm not going to go into I think I just learned in childhood ignore problems of my parents as a way to protect myself.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 22/09/2022 19:50

Just had a row with my husband who says I lack empathy and don't take care of him properly when he's sick or feeling down (I had my best friend telling me this too once a while back).

My first thought was: they're shagging.

My second thought: you actually DON'T sound very empathetic. You sound pretty fed up with him. But it's impossible to say whether or not you're justified in feeling that way without more detail about the situation at work.

Do you have separate finances?

Cw112 · 22/09/2022 19:56

As previous poster said its hard to tell how unreasonable you are being without knowing the details. But it does sound like your husband is experiencing burnout from the stress of his job and the difficult thing about it is it eats your confidence so badly it can be hard to either secure a new job or address the issues in your current one. That's why so many people with burnout end up on long term sick leave as it become gradually more and more unbearable. Your husband probably needs to speak to his gp or a counselor but the reaction you give him is also very important in helping him build himself up again and look after his mental health. You maybe need to sit down with him and explain you realise that he feels you're not empathetic enough or listening to his concerns so ask him gently to explain to you what it is he needs from you and practical ways you can provide this or approach conversations that are less confrontational.

donttellmehesalive · 22/09/2022 19:56

If both your husband and your best friend have told you this, and you yourself think that it might be a response to childhood experiences, then I think it's likely that you lack empathy. If it is affecting your relationships, maybe it is something you would like to address.

picklemewalnuts · 22/09/2022 19:56

I saw a great meme today, about listening to the emotion not just the content. The suggestion was that by responding to the content, you ignore the person's feeling about the situation.

Perhaps your husband didn't want you to solve anything or tell him what to do. He wanted you to show that you know he's upset, and that you care.

Something like 'oh dear, I hate to see you struggling. Let me get you a cup of tea'. 'Do you want a hug?'. That kind of thing.

MrsTeaShore · 22/09/2022 19:59

I think YABU because you should think about whether you are a team in the marriage or not. Really you should try and understand him and not ignore the problem . Understandably you might be impatient , frustrated, annoyed at him but at the same time he’s obviously not in a good place in terms of his MH and needs some support. How would you feel if you had a problem and he just told you to deal with it ? What’s the point of being in the marriage if that’s how you support each other ? It sounds like you haven’t got much time for him and too be honest you come across as quite disrespectful of him. Perhaps that the real problem .

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 22/09/2022 20:00

Oh come on. It's exhausting being someone's emotional crutch all the time. It does sound like he's been saying this for a while regarding his job. I'm a get shit sorted person, if he's deeply unhappy it's not Ops job to fix that. He needs to figure out how to improve his life by changing careers or whatever. I can't stand people who continually moan about the same shit, but then do absolutely nothing to fix it. I'd have empathy burn out too.

Original poster

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 20:00

@Butchyrestingface when my best friend told me I lack empathy I didn't know him yet. That was maybe 10yrs ago so definitely not.

Yes, separate finances but I'm earning more so paying for hols, house improvements any other big costs.

I am fed up with him. I just want nice peaceful life without any more dramas from his end. So maybe I didn't sound sincere to him because I'm seriously not. In my mind he's acting as a child when it comes to situation with his work.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/09/2022 20:00

Today yet again he came home very teary and unhappy. I initially got annoyed (yet again) but then tried being as nice as I could

You don't sound very supportive.

And I say this as someone going through the menopause who has had a few arguments with my DP recently. After a very honest chat with a good friend, she just said, "If you think you've been snappy at him, then the chances are you have been and he's probably more upset about it than you."

Made me press the reset button, apologise and go and talk to my GP about HRT.

How old are you both?

Calandor · 22/09/2022 20:02

Yes I'm afraid it does sound like you lack empathy. He is scared, stressed, upset and anxious and you just.. get angry and tell him to sort his shit out. I'm sure if he could easily and quickly sort it out then he would have!

I'd try to nurture him more, listen, have sympathy and maybe work together to cut back expenses and come up with a financial plan.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/09/2022 20:03

You don't sound that keen on him tbh.

If he isn't contributing to the family and isn't taking any action to help then I can understand why.

You don't sound particularly empathetic, so I think that is a fair comment.

WaffleIron · 22/09/2022 20:05

Well your first course of action has been to get online and slag him off, so he's not exactly wrong is he...

Ohifonly · 22/09/2022 20:05

He sounds like he is struggling mentally.

You sound like you’re very no nonsense and want a quiet life.

I don’t think either person is in the wrong, I think it’s an unfortunate mix though. At the end of the day having a pragmatic and practical partner brings a lot of benefits. Someone has to steady the ship and be logical. That in itself is mentally draining, so whilst he may be showing stress by being teary and sad, you’re reaching the end of your rope and getting snappy.

Ohifonly · 22/09/2022 20:07

Look, I don’t really think the pile on of op is justified. Sometimes you have to toughen up in life to bring yourself and your family stability and a sense of routine. Some times we don’t have the luxury of being the ones to emotionally crumble. That comes off as not being empathetic sometimes but at the end of the day someone has to be the stronger one. Op sounds burnt out

Original poster

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 20:07

Thank you all for all your responses. It's very helpful.

@picklemewalnuts I think this might have been what he has expected of me.

@Cw112 he told me himself he is depressed and wants to speak to his gp. But doesn't book an appointment. Which annoys me as well as it feels all his issues just falls on me (I deal with majority of his medical stuff as he's on my private insurance policy)

@ZeroFucksGivenToday he went through very similar but way worse situation few years back. It was horrible and I through all I could into it to help him. I think I really can't be bothered with the same shit again..

OP posts:

twoandcooplease · 22/09/2022 20:08

It's exhausting being someone's emotional crutch all the time

Yes pp! You might be being a bit blunt with him (if you've written it the way it happened) but you can't be responsible for him not being as emotionally stable as you

SophieSellerman · 22/09/2022 20:13

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle, OP, in that it's one of my adult children who behaves like your husband. I actually have shedloads of empathy, but I run out of empathy with this particular DC, who is an empathy hoover and still doesn't do anything to change/improve their situation. Being supportive is great - but there comes a point where the person you are supporting just carries on doing exactly what they're doing. At that point, your well runs dry. So it's not quite as easy as "if you love someone, you will empathise/support them". Sometimes they need a big kick up the bottom.

Original poster

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 20:14

@Ohifonly he is struggling mentally unfortunately.

I probably would manage to be more sympathetic but I think I'm just tired of there constantly being issues on his end. It never stops. I know I am in a bad mood writing this but I need to make sure I'm stable minded as well not just tending to his needs and moods...

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully will have more inspiration to face yet another day of his shitty mood x

OP posts:

Nillynally · 22/09/2022 20:16

Sorry but you sound horrible. If my husband was coming home in tears from work I would not be telling him to get his shit together

Butchyrestingface · 22/09/2022 20:24

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 20:00

@Butchyrestingface when my best friend told me I lack empathy I didn't know him yet. That was maybe 10yrs ago so definitely not.

Yes, separate finances but I'm earning more so paying for hols, house improvements any other big costs.

Hi LG, if your best friend and husband have remarked on this ten years apart, then I'd be inclined to think they probably have a point.

It doesn't mean that you're not justified in feeling worn down by your husband's problems though. If empathy isn't one of your strong points to begin with, I suppose in a situation where you're feeling really tested by someone, the lack of empathy may be even more acutely perceived by that person (since you didn't have huge reserves of it to begin with).

Are you a native speaker of English? If not, I wonder too if language/cultural differences could be a factor too.

PenYGore · 22/09/2022 20:27

Nillynally · 22/09/2022 20:16

Sorry but you sound horrible. If my husband was coming home in tears from work I would not be telling him to get his shit together

Maybe it would depend on how often he did it, and whether he'd done anything to help himself. OP doesn't sound horrible to me.

Original poster

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 20:30

@Butchyrestingface that's a very good point and I was thinking about it. I'm not British (been here for 12yrs) so language/culture could have an impact indeed.. and he is super emphatic person by nature. Which probably doesn't help the situation

OP posts:

Kissingfrogs25 · 22/09/2022 20:31

What is really striking to me is how you see/ speak of your relationship. He is letting the side down, his end is failing, he can’t get it sorted his end.
You are not on the same team.
You are not together fighting the world, he is on his own.
To be honest op you don’t even sound like you really care - at all.
He is reduced to a drama lama ruining your vibes/ life.
I feel very sad for this man, who is struggling so badly and has a partner that could not care less.

I would cut him loose and find someone more like you - then you won’t need to pretend to be empathetic or caring. Maybe a rich sociopath would be ideal.

Empathy is definitely not your strong suit.

Original poster

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 20:32

@PenYGore him complaining probably since beginning of this year more or less. The till on his mental health for the last 4-6 months maybe. He admitted this only recently

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2022 20:32

How long does he expect you to say "there, there, dear" while he himself takes absolutely no action to change his circumstances? I have very little tolerance for whingers and moaners who don't help themselves.

excelledyourself · 22/09/2022 20:33

He's told you he's struggling with his mental health and is visibly distressed.

You've been married mere weeks and are trying for a baby, according to your recents threads.

Please stop, because it sounds like you don't even like this poor man.

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