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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband says I have no empathy

70 replies

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 19:43

Just had a row with my husband who says I lack empathy and don't take care of him properly when he's sick or feeling down (I had my best friend telling me this too once a while back).

In a nutshell, he has difficult time at work and due to unforseen circumstances not well off financially. It makes him very worried. I said multiple times to get the work situation sorted as it's affecting both of us very negatively. And finance wise it just seems never ending lately. So I am a bit pissed off with him with all that's going on. Today yet again he came home very teary and unhappy. I initially got annoyed (yet again) but then tried being as nice as I could and asked what happened. This hugely annoyed him and he stopped talking to me. Doesn't stay with me in the same room. He thinks I should know by now what's wrong and why he's unhappy and I'm very insensitive.

Tbh, I think he acts as a child and needs to get his shit sorted. I think he's upset and just takes it out on me.

AIBU?

PS. He can be very emphatic and does take good care of me when needed. And we agreed he's much better at this than me. Due to many reasons I'm not going to go into I think I just learned in childhood ignore problems of my parents as a way to protect myself.

OP posts:

Wheresmymoneytree · 22/09/2022 20:35

I lack empathy. A friend taught me to ask people what they want, do they want to vent, do they want advice, do they want a hug, do they want me to agree with everything they say!

I had a similar issue with a friend though where she was upset with the same problem constantly and it became draining, by that point she did need to get her shit together because nothing was changing or improving and wouldn’t unless she acted. Maybe wait until he has calmed and talk through his options with him.

Original poster

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 20:36

Thanks all for sharing your insights. I appreciate all the positives as well as negatives. There's a lot for me to think about xx

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2022 20:37

Nillynally · 22/09/2022 20:16

Sorry but you sound horrible. If my husband was coming home in tears from work I would not be telling him to get his shit together

Please. Op's husband is refusing to help himself. How long do you expect someone to be an emotional punching bag when their partner won't help themselves?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/09/2022 20:40

Lots of really depressed people do struggle to get help themselves.

It sounds like he's really really struggling and you don't have any empathy for it.

I get it's tough, my DM has bi polar and when she's on one of her downers it is mentally exhausting for me and sometimes I have to physically take her to the doctors to get her some help and her medication looked at.

mountainsunsets · 22/09/2022 20:41

he told me himself he is depressed and wants to speak to his gp. But doesn't book an appointment.

Not getting help is a huge symptom of depression, though.

Kissingfrogs25 · 22/09/2022 20:42

If you want to save your relationship book the gp app for him, help him if he is in bits. Go with him - hold his hand. Get some professional support. Take contraception, you can’t bring a baby into this situation.

Original poster

LoveGherkins · 22/09/2022 20:43

@WhenISnappedAndFarted of course I will help him, be it doctor or financial situation or anything else

I think I'm just tired of constantly having to be the one who's responsible for sorting him out and keeping everything nice and peaceful. But hey ho, someone has to.

Thanks for reading my post and sharing your own experience 🌸

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/09/2022 20:46

I don’t think marriage is for you.

Kissingfrogs25 · 22/09/2022 20:46

Only you can know if it’s worth it, and are you likely to have a life time of this based on his history- can you do it?
Cut your losses if not

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/09/2022 20:46

@LoveGherkins I get it, I really do. I've been doing it for my Mum since I was a young kid and sometimes resent it.

I hope your husband gets the help he needs but also make sure you take care of yours as well. It isn't easy when someone relies on you like that

Walkden · 22/09/2022 20:50

To be fair op your attitude to his struggling seems to be that he should sort his shit out because it's too much drama for you!

If he is depressed and feels he can't talk to you or confide in you because he's being a drag or burden he is more likely to ruminate on the situation / isolate himself. Very often depressed people do not seek help unless or until they take desperate measures, especially if they have not had similar issues or had psychological support in the past.

Often people expect depressed people to be proactive and rational and that's not how it works

Hankunamatata · 22/09/2022 21:03

Do you even like him anymore? Might be time to reassess your life.

rickandmorts · 22/09/2022 21:09

I'm very no nonsense and a 'fixer' so when my partner was having a tough time at work I was responding by giving solutions to his issues. He got more upset with me as he felt I wasn't addressing his emotions and he didn't actually need me suggesting solutions. Now whenever he's upset or pissed off about something I say 'do you want me to offer ways to help or just let you unload?' and 9 times out of 10 he just wants to offload emotions, which is absolutely fine by me. I've learnt to step back and not try leap in and help. Could you try this?

decayingmatter · 22/09/2022 21:42

But it's not all on OP to be everything at all times, she's going through a tough time too and is the one holding everything together. Sometimes people do need to be supported to work towards solutions rather than just wallowing

5128gap · 22/09/2022 21:48

I don't think either of you are wrong, you're just really unsuited.
He's sensitive, emotional and needs support. Nothing wrong in that as such. But when coupled with a no nonsense, get on with it personality like you seem to be, it's never going to work out.
You see him as weak and failing to take control of his life, he sees you as harsh and lacking understanding. He will feel bullied. You will feel resentful and short changed.
I don't see a fix to it.

fallfallfall · 22/09/2022 22:04

two different people with two very opposite reactions to life and stress. neither are wrong but you might be wrong for each other.

Hearthnhome · 22/09/2022 22:13

It’s hard to work out if you don’t have empathy for him or you have run out of empathy for him.

Or maybe a bit of both. You don’t have much empathy, so it’s run out quick.

He needs more support than you can give. Which I actually get. I remember an ex needed so much sympathy and support everyday, but didn’t do anything practical, it really worse me down.

Bit ultimately it sounds like you now don’t have empathy for him at all. If you had any, it’s run out. It doesn’t bode well for your marriage.

TheRainbowLady · 22/09/2022 22:28

I totally relate to this post. My DH went through a period of anxiety and depression and we’ve never been right since, even though we are still together for the DC. He feels I didn’t do enough to support him and I feel I did everything possible.

I don't think either of you are wrong, you're just really unsuited.
He's sensitive, emotional and needs support. Nothing wrong in that as such. But when coupled with a no nonsense, get on with it personality like you seem to be, it's never going to work out.
You see him as weak and failing to take control of his life, he sees you as harsh and lacking understanding. He will feel bullied. You will feel resentful and short changed.

This post is spot on.

We both feel angry with each other and I’m not sure how we will work things out.

Kanaloa · 22/09/2022 22:33

I don’t think you’re in the wrong as such. I don’t think I’m incapable of empathy but I don’t listen to people who are constantly caught up in misery and drama and don’t want advice or help to fix things. An occasional is fine but some people seem to thrive off melodrama. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had genuinely really hard times in my life but sometimes I listen to somebody moaning and think ‘this is an easily fixable issue that you’re blowing out of proportion and/or refusing solutions for.’ If somebody is crying about the same thing over and over and over my empathy starts to run low.

Kanaloa · 22/09/2022 22:35

And also I can’t really be bothered with people who need constant ‘support’ to deal with normal adult emotions. I get needing support sometimes with certain things but I don’t rub along well with people who need coddling through normal adult life. Maybe because our life is so busy/stressful sometimes too - I need a partner who pulls their weight with me, not one who needs to be supported through tearful outbursts regularly but doesn’t want to actually make any changes to help themselves.

Crinkle77 · 22/09/2022 22:37

Butchyrestingface · 22/09/2022 19:50

Just had a row with my husband who says I lack empathy and don't take care of him properly when he's sick or feeling down (I had my best friend telling me this too once a while back).

My first thought was: they're shagging.

My second thought: you actually DON'T sound very empathetic. You sound pretty fed up with him. But it's impossible to say whether or not you're justified in feeling that way without more detail about the situation at work.

Do you have separate finances?

That's some leap even by mums net standards.

WonderingMum2 · 22/09/2022 23:21

I feel for you, OP and Rainbow Lady. I have spent years supporting and empathising with a partner with anxiety and depression and ironically, although he is way better than he used to be I have very little patience left. It’s like I had a well, and it ran dry. It is exhausting, especially if you are offering help, booking appointments etc and getting nothing. I would’nt bring a baby into it I’m afraid

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2022 23:32

I saw your post about try to get pregnant. For fuck's sake, please do not bring a baby into this toxic, dysfunctional mess. Your husband can't handle the stress of having a child, clearly. He can't even manage to deal with his job and go the the GP.

Mingot · 23/09/2022 04:23

Do not keep trying for a baby. Sort your relationship out first.

BadNomad · 23/09/2022 04:42

Have you ever had sympathy for him at any point in your relationship? Or have you always not really cared, but now it's really annoying you because his whining is having a negative impact on your happiness?

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