Husband says I have no empathy

[LoveGherkins]

Just had a row with my husband who says I lack empathy and don't take care of him properly when he's sick or feeling down (I had my best friend telling me this too once a while back).

In a nutshell, he has difficult time at work and due to unforseen circumstances not well off financially. It makes him very worried. I said multiple times to get the work situation sorted as it's affecting both of us very negatively. And finance wise it just seems never ending lately. So I am a bit pissed off with him with all that's going on. Today yet again he came home very teary and unhappy. I initially got annoyed (yet again) but then tried being as nice as I could and asked what happened. This hugely annoyed him and he stopped talking to me. Doesn't stay with me in the same room. He thinks I should know by now what's wrong and why he's unhappy and I'm very insensitive.

Tbh, I think he acts as a child and needs to get his shit sorted. I think he's upset and just takes it out on me.

AIBU?

PS. He can be very emphatic and does take good care of me when needed. And we agreed he's much better at this than me. Due to many reasons I'm not going to go into I think I just learned in childhood ignore problems of my parents as a way to protect myself.

Were you kind and sympathetic to start with or have you always just been annoyed at him? It doesn’t sound as though you like him very much, what’s keeping you in the relationship?

The problem with being anxious./depressed/stressed/suffering from burnout is that because of the illness, you can't see the wood for the trees. I've been there, got the t-shirt, read the book and wrote the screenplay. I needed another person to tell me ,or rather give me permission to ask for help, admit that I was struggling and try to resolve the situation. I never thought I would end up as I did, I am the capable,practical one, I sort out everyone else's problems, but I couldn't sort myself out. I mean, I was an adult ,well into adulthood, and I just couldn't take that first step. I felt paralysed by fear.
Please try to empathize, we all need help sometimes. If you have children, you will definitely be asking for help/empathy at some point. You may struggle ( I hope you don't, but it can happen to the best of us), you might find yourself overwhelmed and struggling to function at any point. BTW, admitting there is a problem is not weakness, it takes a lot of courage to admit to it. He might just need 'permission' from you to take that first step.

My DH lacks empathy - his answer to everything is 'put it behind you' 'move forward', whatever the problem, mental health issues, divorce (of DCs), ill health (family). I think to myself what a complete dick.
It has allowed him to do very well in his job (if you don't worry about others it helps). But he also dumps his anger and annoyance on me - do you do that OP?

Whether you have enough empathy or not OP the thing that gets me is when someone behaves likes a dependent child.

In a partnership or marriage you should have equality and self determination, when it turns into a parent/child situation it's exhausting and frustrating.

Is that how it feels? Putting his ongoing issues aside, do you feel you are the parent?

I am with you on this one and I don' t think you lack empathy.

If your partner is struggling because he is in the wrong job and you have discussed this many times before but he has done nothing whatsoever to improve the situation (and therefore remove the cause of his stress) then I can see that it would be really frustrating for you at this point.

Showing sympathy is not the same as indulging someone who is complaining all the time but who is doing nothing to improve their lives.

There are steps he can take if he is struggling: see his GP for support, apply for new jobs, take some leave and so on. It is not up to you to ''fix'' him.

You can't be the permanent emotional crutch for someone who does not want to help themselves. That is just draining. I would also lose a lot of respect for a man who behaves this way.

It sounds to me like you are someone with boundaries rather than a lack of empathy.

Anyone who truly lacked empathy would not be posting here and questioning themselves.

Actually I think you have shown more patience than I would have.

@Calandor ''I'd try to nurture him more''

She is not his mother. He is a grown man who needs to seek help from professional, not expect his wife to take on all the burden.

When he gets home today tell him to book a GP appointment and you'll come with him.

It's really hard to actually address an issue like depression as it just feels like everything it too much effort and it's exhausting.

Suggest he self-certifies for a few days.

Has he considered looking for alternative work?

Interestingly, I'm married to a man that's not very empathetic. I'm in a tricky situation right now, waiting for biopsy results and with a colposcopy booked this afternoon. He's not done anything, asked about anything. I think his 'go to' would be 'I can't do anything about it, so what do you want me to do?'.

I mentioned a friend was taking me, and he said 'Oh, I should have offered to go with you, shouldn't I?'.

He really doesn't have anything to offer support wise, I wondered about asking him but would have ended up reassuring him that everything was fine, and keeping him calm as he doesn't like hospitals...

As the years have gone on, I've opened up to him about times in the past when his lack of empathy put me in a tricky position. With hindsight I think he's a bit shocked at how badly he let me down/how much our life has been about his needs.

Forget the current situation for a moment, OP.
Look back on your relationship. Has it been a lot about you?
When you look back on this moment with the benefit of time, will you feel differently about how things have been?

My situation is very different from yours, but I think the possible imbalance of needs and care might be worth thinking about.

Nobody's asking her to be everything all the time, though. Her husband, who is at the point of coming home in tears on a regular basis, is asking her for some support - isn't supporting your partner practically and emotionally part of being married?

It's well known that depression leads to a lack of motivation, so instead of whining that he won't make an appointment with the doctor, why not make one for him and support him that way?

I am fed up with him. I just want nice peaceful life without any more dramas from his end. So maybe I didn't sound sincere to him because I'm seriously not. In my mind he's acting as a child when it comes to situation with his work

Lacking in empathy is the least of your problems. You clearly don't love him at all and have no desire to be in a marriage with him.
You should split and give him a chance at a real relationship with someone who cares about him. You sound more suited to the single life

He needs to divorce you.

I am fed up with him. I just want nice peaceful life without any more dramas from his end.

Do him a favour and leave. You'll get your peaceful life, and he'll probably feel better not coming home to someone who holds him in such contempt.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on the matter. Much appreciated.

I do love him, of course and he can be a wonderful person as long as he's not stressed/ depressed.

I did help him in the past a lot regarding mental health (booking GP call backs, paying for private therapy, booking therapist through insurance etc.)

I think as someone has mentioned on the post my empathy probably is simply exhausted now. And I do think he's just using it as a way to load off his anger as well (when something goes wrong in his life he always finds some sort of excuse to get very angry at me while under normal circumstances this wouldn't affect him)

Overall I agree I'm not the most emphatic person, but I think he's definitely not helping himself either

OP you should consider counselling to get to the root of why you married someone you aren't willing to put any hard work into. Marriage is bloody hard work with disappointments along the way. Perhaps it's not for you, but rather than mess everything up, put a bit of work into your own head first.

Maybe couples counselling would help you both reset your expectations of each other.

You do sound like you have compassion fatigue, and need some support to be able to continue supporting him.

You can't pour from an empty jug, as they say.

You sound the emotional equivalent of 'touched out', the way we get with small children.
Your overwhelmed by his need.
He's expecting you to be endlessly strong, and you aren't.

Maybe talk about that, when things are a bit calmer.

There are some situations where endless empathy and there there-ing isn’t needed as much as a gentle nudge towards action.

Hearing the same complaints over and over while the person makes zero helpful changes is draining and annoying.

YANBU. He needs to take action to change things. Wheb people let themselves wallow in low moods, they just drag down other people who are around them. Somebody has got to get on and cope with life.

Or maybe just suited to married life with a person more mentally robust.
Living with a partners mental health problems is life changing and exhausting. Many people in this situation become ill themselves. Its really not just a matter of him finding someone who cares about him, it's finding someone who can cope with potentially a life time of having to be strong enough for two, and feel like at any moment the wheels could come off again, that there's a dark cloud over the household, dealing with the worry, the restriction, the loneliness, the lack of anyone there for your needs because his will always be greater.
OPs husband has no choice but to live with his illness. The OP does, and it's not a choice that's right for everyone. I do agree with you they should split up though.

I know when someone is depressed that it hard to the wood from the trees. My feeling is that your husband is either not happy or depressed at the moment due to his job.
He told you he wants to go to the doctor but won't make an appointment.
He comes home from work and takes out his bad form on you be shouting or complaining about thing's.

You already helped him out in the past. You currently have private health insurance for you both so if he looked for help he won't be put on a waiting list. Along with this your the higher earner. I think you like a break from his moaning about his job, his wage and the fact that your paying more of the bills due to your higher income.
Perhaps at this stage you feel like your becoming like his mammy and not his wife.

I think at this stage you need to tell him that you want him to make a doctor's appointment. Get him to get blood tests to see if he is low in vitamin's, iron and to check his thyroid.
I say to him as well that it not fair for him to be coming home and taking his bad form out on you when you have tried to help him.

If his job is that bad why is he not looking for a new job? Does he need further training to get a better job?
He needs to get proactive to feel better. Once he does this he can then make a decision on what to do next to improve things for himself and you.

I second this, I can show all the empathy in the world but if the person on the receiving end doesn't actually do anything about it I too run out of steam on the empathy front.
Empathy fatigue is a real thing, especially if you have your own shit to deal with at the same time.

I couldn't put up with that either OP. I really have no patience for wallowing types that enjoy a whinge or have drama most days.

My DH has the emotional range of a rock 😅. This is how I like it. Otherwise I would be just like you.

You have my sympathies!