Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

[Hope54321]

I’m seeing a lot more of this attitude quite recently. Why do people have children if they can’t look after them or pay for their childcare? Why is it that grandparents are expected to do the childcare so the parents can work? I think it’s acceptable if the grandparents are offering to help out, but to feel like grandparents should be obliged to offer childcare is simply taking the biscuit.

I left school in 1986. My mother started working part time when my youngest sibling started secondary school. When I was at primary school in the 70s none of my friends mothers worked except one who was a school dinner lady so only worked while her children were at school.

This is pretty much the same as me @StillMissV although they do have my son one day a week since he was 1. My other son they barely even see!

But yes, they really used my grandparents a lot for me and my brother and a lot of it was for them to go away and have fun and holidays without us. So it does smart a bit!

Some people are utterly unrealistic.

My ex SIL is in a massive huff because my MIL “won’t” offer her the same amount of childcare for her DS as she gave DH for DS1 when DS1 was a similar age.

I mean, DS1 is now 24 so it was a long time ago. FIL was still alive, was retired, and was very hands on. MIL didn’t have arthritis. MIL now lives with us and ex-SIL doesn’t want any childcare done in her home. And that situation only occurred years ago because DH was widowed very young - MIL gave up her part time voluntary job to help out when his wife was dying and then did paid for childcare for him shortly after. This apparently is no excuse and MIL shouldn’t have offered that level of help to one if she had no intention of offering it to all.

Yes. My MIL said she hopes we don't have to take her in and look after her in old age. I left the room. She does nothing for her grandson. Visits maybe once a quarter, expects to be waited on, will watch him alone for an hour max (reluctantly) etc. We will of course ensure she's cared for in a home etc if she needs it and that she's not in danger. If she has to sell her house to pay for it so be it, but the presumption that we would do thuz when she has nothing to give. Oh my days. I'm ranting off topic here. 😫

I think a lot of us spent holidays with grandparents who helped with drop offs, parents going away for the weekends and leaving us with grandparents. Grandparents who looked after us while we were poorly. Now we have kids our parents won’t help out for an afternoon on an emergency. I’ve had four days of babysitting in seven years. It’s always caused a drama so I don’t ask. My mum however had me to stay for four weeks when she was bereaved. I will always look after my mum as it’s the right thing to do. But I do feel a bit cross if I think about it.

There are some real twats on this thread. My mother is in her mid-90’s, she never did any childcare so that I could work. We paid.

We are old enough to be grandparents at late 50’s/mid 60’s, we certainly weren’t able to run a one income house in the dark ages when everything was supposedly so cheap. Not in the London area, and we both had/have good salaries. But please, feel free to blame our generation for absolutely everything 🙄

I also think a lot of it is to do with what parents say.

I’ve had quite a few friends whose parents have gone on about how much they’d help out, how they’d pitch in to reduce the childcare bill and how much they were looking forward to doing so, only to then change that to “well I might babysit for the odd hour here and then if I must”.

One friend’s mother actually insisted she wanted to do 3 days a week, chucked a strop when friend suggested 2 was fairer/better, and then bailed out last minute constantly leaving friend to find last minute childcare or missing work.

@Bumpitybumper Tougher now??? This is simply not true! Folk keep banging on about how lucky people were in the recent past with low mortgages and good pension schemes (and yes, it was for some of the low middle/upper working class) but you are completely failing to take into account the EXCRUCIATING levels of unemployment, which lasted from the 70s well into the mid 90s.

That’s appalling. Expecting parents to commit to regular childcare in lieu of nursery or whatever is a big ask and no one should expect it. But to refuse to help with occasional one off requests, especially something as important as this, is really shit.

The set of grandparents that are physically able to help us with childcare don’t want to do regular days, and we completely respect this. If they said no to helping with the small number of ad hoc requests we make just because they didn’t want to, then there’s no question that would affect our relationship with them.

i hope I am lucky enough to be a grandmother one day, and a reasonable level of helping my kids with childcare is part of still being their mum. I don’t want to be doing full time childcare as a grandmother but I won’t stop being my kids’ mother, or wanting to provide help to them with childcare as I would with any aspect of their lives.

exactly and in my first comment I said, that Grandparents that don’t want to provide childcare (which is their right) can’t really demand/ want/ expect care in old age, not because it’s a tit for tat but it’s reciprocity.

my mother took care of her MIL and it was an exhaustive burden. She took care of her mum too but when she was much older and whilst my grandparents did some limited baby sitting here and there, but not much the resentment grew and grew with my mother that it destroyed their relationship. My grandmother expected care and wouldn’t apply for caters allowance, fuel allowance, grants for her own home or even a disabled badge (despite being eligible for all) because she felt it was my mothers responsibility to do it all, as she raised her. Entitlement does no one any favours

Sending you hugs. It is hard bloody going. We don't bother much now. It is their loss and whilst I can fill the gp void, I can try and give my son as many happy memories with me and dad as possible x

Some entitled posts on here. Im a grandmother of 5 . Aged 55. I work full time and have at least another 12 yrs to work to pay off my mortgage to get my pension.. By the time i retire my grandkids wont need childcare. My kids understand this. I do occasionally have one or two of them on an odd Sat night stayover but thats all.

Yes. My MIL said she hopes we don't have to take her in and look after her in old age. I left the room. She does nothing for her grandson. Visits maybe once a quarter, expects to be waited on, will watch him alone for an hour max (reluctantly) etc. We will of course ensure she's cared for in a home etc if she needs it and that she's not in danger. If she has to sell her house to pay for it so be it, but the presumption that we would do thia when she has nothing to give. Oh my days. I'm ranting off topic of main thread here. 😫

Seems to me it’s different in your case, you DO help out and you’re still working!

id love it if my kids GP were as involved, or even offered. They won’t even attend days out for birthdays

@Dotjones

oh right so if you went out and murdered someone tomorrow or would be your parents fault?

dont be so ridiculous

the only person accountable for an adult’s actions is themselves.

@Faciadipasta exactly. I’ve been a carer for both my parents, but I won’t be lifting a finger to help my inlaws or encouraging dp to provide any care when or if they need it. Unfortunately selfish people will reap their rewards.

Heaven help that a woman in her late 50s/ early 60s, who's probably been in paid employment much of her life and has to work until she's 66 or 67 or 68 before the state pension kicks in, and who's looking after the elderly members of the family should say no to also looking after grandchildren.

It's always grandmothers, isn't it? Always the women expected to do the elder care and the childcare. It's horrible seeing the sexism promoted here.

As I have written on a similar thread recently not all grandparents have the stamina to look after young children. I am 67 and recently retired and found it difficult to keep up with my beloved three year old grandaughter! I certainly did not expect my mum to step in back in the day.she was in her 70s! She had my two daughters when they were primary age one day in the holidays, but I didn’t expect it of her.

oh, I can absolutely acknowledge that people don’t, and to that extent I understand, but at the same time it is hard to understand the motivation behind some decisions people make when the negative consequences are both significant and obvious. Incidentally, something being understandable does not make it any less a bad decision, and one that someone could refrain from making. They may not like refraining from making it, but that doesn’t change the fact they have the ability to.

For what it’s worth I do have a car, travel a fair but, and have more than four outfits. All of which are beneficial to my life and I can comfortably afford without negatively impacting myself. I don’t have gas fired appliances, credit cards, or children. I don’t eat red meat and I limit my intake of sugar. I also don’t drink alcohol.

I don't understand this. How can grandparents have created the need for both parentsto work?

Presumably she brought your husband up. Not that I'm keen on relying on children for care in old age but if she spent years caring for your husband I don't really see why she then has to do years caring for his son in order to qualify for care in her old age. Maybe she thinks you husband will want to protect his "inheritance" rather than repay her for care.

I don't want my kids to be caring for me, nice if they visit but if I'm in a decent home I'll be fine.

Dotjones · Today 14:30
Everything a child does, even when they reach adulthood, is ultimately the responsibility of their parents and grandparents. Therefore it's right that grandparents should be expected to provide free childcare for their grandchildren; if they didn't want to do this, they shouldn't have had children of their own in the first place, that way the grandchildren could never have existed.

Crikey, a new level of crazy even for MN, surely?

Seems to be a conflation of issues.

Expecting regular free childcare = arguably entitled

Having zero help/enthusiam from family = fucking hard and it hurts. Why would GP not want to be involved at all?

Jesus do people not understand the difference between general trends and personal anecdotes.

The baby boomer generation IN GENERAL had it easier in terms of stable jobs, university grants, lower house prices, free NHS care, final salary pensions etc. Their kids are not so lucky IN GENERAL and are going to have to struggle more, work longer and earn less in less stable jobs. Study after study has shown this.

Jumping up with an anecdote that is different to the general trend doesn’t disprove the trend!! Aka “well that wasn’t the case for me. I’m a boomer and we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.”

Of course not everybody in the boomer generation had it easier and not everybody in the current generation has it tougher, but that is the general trend and it is generally harder to look after a family, pay childcare, work and own a property these days than it used to be. That doesn’t mean grandparents have to help of course, (my parents don’t and I don’t begrudge them it, they are old and not especially well and even if they were young and vigorous it would be their choice, albeit a choice I’d find a bit hurtful). But if grandparents can help a little and would like to, I expect it would be very gratefully received by most of their kids. Especially those that are struggling that but harder

Title says grandparents but lets face it, it means grandmothers.
As I said on another thread, it's a toxic blend of sexism and ageism that assumes older/post-menopausal women have little inherent value, and are therefore intrinsically selfish if they don't sacrifice their own best interests.