to feel jealous that there are people who don’t have any mental health issues

[amandak83]

Ive suffered with depression and anxiety for many years and i literally couldn’t imagine a life where i didn’t struggle with it daily. I sometimes find it hard to comprehend that there are people in the the world who are truly happy and have never struggled with their mental health for a long period of time like i have. Alot do people wouldn’t understand unless they have had mental health battles so i won’t be shocked if people think i sound odd saying this but it’s hard seeing “normal” people carrying on with their lives so easily and i have to literally fight my thoughts everyday, i wish it was that easy for me. sorry for sounding depressing i just feeling a little sorry for myself today

Yes, it can be incredibly debilitating. And some people like to use the term ‘depressed’ when what they mean is they’re a bit fed up.

I understand. I’m having a particularly bad time of it tonight with my mental health/jealousy - a friend announced that they’ve just bought a house. They’ve had the luxury of living at home their entire lives, and been able to save up, whilst surrounded by a loving supportive family, whereas I have an emotionally abusive parent, so I had to move out at 18 and make it on my own since, which has been a massive struggle with my poor mental health and never really having a support network. I rent a flat and all my money goes into it - it will probably be years before I can afford to buy a house.. maybe never, even. I would certainly never begrudge anyone any happiness, but I look at this person and think “god, life has been so much easier for them, why couldn’t I have at least something - good mental health - going for me to make my life successful..?” Not even successful, just normal.. bearable, even..

Sorry for hijacking your post - just took the opportunity to vent. I wish I had a solution for us both. I guess it’s natural to feel a little jealous - not everyone has the same lot in life, unfortunately. We’ve just got to keep fighting and try and ask the right people for help - hopefully one day it’s not quite as hard as it once was and we can learn to not compare ourselves to others so much.

Hopefully this doesn’t get taken the wrong way but something that really helped me along the way (in addition to reading/ working on my attachment trauma) is to read about depression and self centredness. I know that sounds awful and I honestly don’t mean it to but it’s really helped me reframe a lot. Am currently also reading the book “Selfie - How the world became so self obsessed” by Will Store, helps put things into a bigger perspective.

Not sure if that was helpful or just completely offensive xxx

It must make life a lot easier, not having to deal with mental illness, and I sometimes find it frustrating that my life is hemmed in by my difficulties. But I don't believe that a lack of mental health issues necessarily means someone is "truly happy" — I think it probably just means that they only have misery/boredom/worry/other negative emotions in proportion to what's actually going on for them, which could be quite a lot for some people.

Im like you. Suffered from depression and anxiety. Always have. It is always a struggle. And a fight

HOWEVER. just because other people don't have mental health issues doesntmean that they dont suffer in other ways too.

I once read that if youd put everyone's problems on a pile and you could choose which one you wanted; you'd pick your own problems back. As other people suffer in deep dark places that you hadn't even had the slightest idea of.

Life is hard on most people.

Dont compare up. Compare down!

I agree with pp, life isn't fair and some people suffer with physical or mental health issues while others don't. However don't get caught up thinking others are always truly happy, no one is "truly happy" for longer than a few minutes, that's not how humans work. They still have struggles and problems, just not that particular problem.

I sometimes have to remind myself that others often think I am a happy soul that nothing gets to and I can handle anything with a smile.

But they don’t know I have ptsd. A traumatic childhood and abusive marriage has trained me to not show emotion in front of anyone else unless it’s positive. I have learned smooth and careful ways to extract myself from situations so no one knows I am in the toilet feeling like I am going to collapse.

They don’t see I am exhausted all the time from putting the front on. They think I have dealt with the death of my mother so well. They don’t see me crying for 8 hours when I work from home. Or sitting in my car crying at lunch time because I can’t hold it in. They don’t know that I feel like I physically aged and my body feels like it’s shutting down and I can’t tell anyone because all I know is to rely on myself. When flashbacks hit I can cover it by staring at my screen and pretending I am absorbed with my spread sheet.

The people you see as going about their business and happy, may well have Mental Health issues but trauma has taught them that to survive you must hide it.

Some obvious wont have MH problems. But they will have other problems. No one’s life is entirely happy or care free. It might not always be mental health related, but it might something you wouldn’t want either.

You have no idea what people are going through though. I had cancer at a young age, which led to finding out I have a rare gene mutation and three major surgeries. I live with recurrence there's a very high chance it will happen. My peace of mind has gone forever.

I'm sorry you are struggling. But I would say many people don't have it easy.

'"normal" people get anxious and depressed too. My understanding of where it differs is that they are able to realise it won't last forever. No one can be happy all rhe time.

As @Hearthnhome says, many (most?) of us have problems that we fight hard to keep under wraps.
I found it helps to literally thank God for my blessings every day (being serious, not snarky.) Once you start saying thank you, you remember more nice things until your perception gradually changes. x

I completely understand OP.

Such is the lottery of life sadly - we cannot choose to be mentally ill any more than we can choose not to to be. Jealousy and resentment of others not facing the same daily battles as you is completely understandable.

For your own well-being however I think you need to try and re-frame these emotions and not let them fester. Jealousy is a destructive, pointless feeling that will just make you feel worse. Are you having counselling or CBT, can you go through this with a professional? Best of luck to you.

I am sometimes jealous of people who have NT children however I know that is wrong for a few reasons.

A. It could be worse my DC could have a terminal diagnosis.
B. I love them they bring me joy alongside serious stress.

Honestly as hard as it is to hear you have to fight it intensely every day and it will, improve. I have PMDD, anxiety, clinical depression at stages throughout my life but I do everything I can to feel better.

Podcasts are great, inspirational guru. Tony Robbins has helped me make positive changes.

My DM suffered similar issues though she was under an avalanche of "I can't, it won't, it is just who I am".

We suffered as DC through the depression.

Fight it take medication exercise and fight it more, it is your brain and you have choices.

Choice theory is a great book too.

You can be depressed and choose to get washed or clean up or you can sit down all day, either choice won't help your depressive symptoms but you'll have achieved while you are depressed, self reward arrives then moving depression over.

To add most people have pain, by easing other people it in turn will help you, you've no idea what happens behind closed doors.

Yes this baffles me! I have anxiety, particularly social anxiety. It affects everything! I function normally and no one knows which I think makes it worse. I’m a teacher and take beta blockers on the way into work. I dread everything before it happens and my heart races every time I’m faced with an intense social situation. I’ve only had it for two years, it’s like my body learned how to do it and won’t stop now. I’m so jealous of myself pre-two years ago 😩

I get what you mean. My mental illness has literally ruined my life in multiple times. And when I say ruined my life I'm not being dramatic there at all.
I think it is really unfair most people have no idea what it is like to lose all control of yourself. The judgements and outright discrimination that I've faced is unreal and the results of that have been just as detrimental as the actual illness.
But I suppose life isn't fair is it?

I don't think it's offensive, but I do understand that it's difficult to put it into words. But having something external to focus on can be the thing that helps.

From my own experience, when I had a period of depression and acute anxiety (was signed off work for months, struggled to get out of bed some days), the one thing that dragged me back was the fact that I was a single parent to two fabulous kids and I had no entitlement to housing benefit. I had to keep paying my rent and I had to make sure the kids got to school, were fed and clothed etc. I knew I needed to make changes in my life in order to keep everything okay for them, and they gave me the strength to do that.

I honestly don't know how I would have got through it otherwise. I needed something external to focus on in order to give me something other to think about than just how bleak things felt at that time. And I honestly don't know if I could have found that 'something external' that I needed if they didn't live with me.

I've seen volunteering programs designed for people with these types of issues, and for some people they have been very effective. But having said all that - like everything else, it's highly unlikely to be the answer for everyone.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this every day op (and anyone else that's suffering). I feel very lucky that I've come through it stronger and happier. Sure, I still have issues/problems to deal with. But it's so much easier to deal with them when depression and anxiety are not making everything feel so heavy and dark.

Comparison is the thief of joy.
Everyone you meet today is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

They're cliches but they're cliches because they're true.

I'd hazard a guess that very few people get very far in life without experiencing some kind of major hurt, whether that's mental illness, physical illness or injury, bereavement, trauma, relationship breakdown , employment issues, infertility... many things can have a terrible long lasting impact on one's life and often the impact is hidden from others because the hurt is buried deep.

This is a bit of a shit thing to say to someone who’s a survivor of child abuse.

Not all of us would pick our own problems back. I’d happily have the problems of several of my friends instead.

Same as NT children, having and ND, child I know parents who are outright negligent and abusive to their children yet the children present beautifully behaved, polite, well mannered and bright the parents are so proud of themselves and reinforced that there is nothing wrong with their parenting (there is by anyone's standards) yet its my parenting that's judged constantly even though I know I'm a 10x better parent than the above. It's not fair!!

Nah, sometimes you need to grieve for what you don’t have.

OP, my therapist said: of course you’re jealous, it would be weird if you weren’t. And then we did a lot of work on grieving what I lost out on in childhood and beyond and that helped a lot.

I once read that if youd put everyone's problems on a pile and you could choose which one you wanted; you'd pick your own problems back. As other people suffer in deep dark places that you hadn't even had the slightest idea of.

Not in a month of Sundays would I pick mine back. But if you can say that's true for you then yeah you probably don't have too bad.

Not all of us would pick our own problems back. I’d happily have the problems of several of my friends instead.

Why do you assume that several of your friends problems would be easier.

I suffered SA abuse as a DC 99.5% of people outside family wouldn't know this.
The after effects on my behaviour caused much worse trauma, drugs, underage sex, anorexia, mh breakdown.

Again any school mums or friends made later wouldn't know any of the above.

Mumsnet user's have more information on my past and troubles than people who are in my actual life.

Sometimes we become immersed in our problems when ignorance is better for us.

I have practiced positive mind control and it has had results.

There's no way to compare pain amongst humans, we all feel things and have our own trials and tribulations - someone you look at as having no mental health issue may well have something debilitating that they're living with, you just don't know about it (or they may have mental health issues and are just not wearing it on their sleeve)

I have 'other issues' not related to mental health and what helps me is being able to share these issues with close friends.
From the outside I probably look A-Ok most days but friends who really know me, know this is not always the case.

I wouldn't look at other people and guess their life is a bed of roses just because their mental health looks fine to you.

Too many people on this thread (and irl-this is the problem) thinking their version of mild depression or low mood is the same level that everyone gets, its not. If you can say I had to get out of bed to pay the bills and go to work or you just need to force yourself to get out of bed and shower and then you will feel better the truth is you never had it that bad. That's not major depression. Major depression is not being able to move all day, it's not being able to lift your arm above your shoulders for months. It's not paying your rent and bills for months and getting in to debt, it's trying to commit suicide, it's losing custody of your children.

Nah, sometimes you need to grieve for what you don’t have.
True but the next step to grieving is acceptance for what you cannot change and moving on.