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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to officially cut my sister out of my life

73 replies

aroundtheblock · 21/09/2022 14:00

Dad died a couple of years ago, he was in hospital for 17 days after a stroke and my sister and I spent most of the time in the hospital. During this time she was extremely verbally abusive to me including following me into the toilets to tell me that I was only fake grieving, and telling a nurse that I was a trained actress and to ignore my crocodile tears. I did not respond in kind and asked her to stop speaking to me. My parents were divorced but mum rang my husband in Scotland to tell him to get me to leave the hospital and go home to mind our child. My DH told her that his mum and him were coping fine and that it was important to me to stay by my dad's sickbed. I did not ask my mother why she did this at the time due to avoiding conflict because of grief. Due to covid, I didn't visit my mother or sister so I never got the chance to confront them about their behaviour. I was at a family wedding in June and my sister was there, she ignored me, (pretty sure she asked to be sat away from me) and she verbally attacked me in the garden (out of earshot of everyone). She is normally an unemotional person with a job in statistics so she's very logical. But she cannot contain her anger around me and I don't see this ever changing. I have asked her to think about her rage towards me and put her thoughts in writing and I will respond. She didn't. I believe there is no going back. I don't want the stress of dealing with her when mum gets ill. So I want to make it official that we are no longer siblings and am going to a solicitor to find out how to do this as I don't think my mental health can take her insane rants at me any longer. AITA for doing this?

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 21/09/2022 14:15

I'm not sure if there is a legal process to stop being a sibling but did something happen between you to make her this awful to you?

What's your relationship like with your mum compared to your mum and sister?

MySisterTotallyIs · 21/09/2022 14:16

There is no way to legally make a sibling not a sibling, I'm fairly sure.

You may be able to get a Restraining Order but would have to prove harassment.

UseOfWeapons · 21/09/2022 14:17

I have no idea about the legal side of things, but YANBU.
I would be NC with any toxic person, as they add nothing to your life.
I’m sure it’ll be difficult, but only because your mum will probably want there to be some harmony, but just be firm, it’s not her life.
I feel for you, my sister was similar for a few years, but now it’s feels like it was partly the menopause that was to blame for her behaviour. I just kept my distance from her.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/09/2022 14:17

I've never heard of a legal way where you can stop being siblings.

Go NC.

AquaticSewingMachine · 21/09/2022 14:19

There is no legal way to stop being siblings.

Just block her phone number, make sure you have left your worldly goods to someone else in your will and get on with your life.

AuntieStella · 21/09/2022 14:19

There is no legal way to sever the sibling relationship.

Just cut contact

It sounds like she already did this some time ago (which would explain why she might have asked to be seated away from you), and why she ignores your (somewhat unusual) request to write it all down for you.

mamabear715 · 21/09/2022 14:23

Sounds like there's some back story?

SpinningFloppa · 21/09/2022 14:23

Just cut contact? I haven’t spoken to my sister in 2 years no one is forced to have a relationship with anyone including family

caracvanning · 21/09/2022 14:24

I think you need to consider what changes no longer being sisters would bring to your life, then look at other ways to achieve those changes.

For example, do you want to make sure hospitals don’t just communicate with your sister about your parents care, but make sure you are contacted separately.

Hearthnhome · 21/09/2022 14:29

What is it that you want out of taking legal action?

Even if you did, that doesn’t stop you having the same biological parents.

There’s obviously a back story to this. Surely she didn’t just turn on you while your father was dying. You don’t need to share it. But there is one that causing you and her pain.

Trying to go down a legal route will just drag this out even longer. Even if there is something you could do, it will be expensive and time consuming. Just cut contact. Going down a legal route sends the message this is more about getting her back, all the money and time spent is resources going towards getting back at her. It says you want to create more drama. You could have peace, by just cutting contact from right now.

Sunnyqueen · 21/09/2022 14:31

Pretty sure there is nothing legal you can do. Sounds like there is a big back story here. Can't help but wonder what her side is as it sounds like she has big opinions on you.

Vapeyvapevape · 21/09/2022 14:32

Don't waste your money in a solicitor, there's nothing legal they can do . Just cut her off completely, block all numbers and social media .

CarefulWithTheCabbages · 21/09/2022 14:35

How can you legally stop being sisters ? I'm intrigued

ShandaLear · 21/09/2022 14:36

Are you a bit of a drama queen? I can imagine someone who’s logical being driven insane stuck in a hospital room for 17 hours of OTT weeping. The fact that you want to ‘officially divorce’ her suggests you want to make a big dramatic flourish while she, I suspect, rolls her eyes.

Original poster

aroundtheblock · 21/09/2022 14:46

yes I suspected someone would come here to say this. I went to the toilets to cry, I did not cry in the waiting room, she followed me in and jeered at me from outside the cubicle. I don't know why she hates me. It might have to do with being academic, married to a rich man with a lovely lifestyle and she is single, has no friends and works all the time (i used to try to talk to her about her workaholism). I have tried to be compassionate, but there is no point any longer. The reason I want to cut contact legally is so I don't have to make a joint decision with her regarding my mother's care or be joint executor of her will. I want a lawyer to represent me at this point as my mother is not the type to have an honest discussion about her intentions, she's terribly repressed.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 21/09/2022 14:49

You can't be given power of attorney without your consent.

I'm not sure about executor, but you can certainly decline it when the time comes. Obviously then you'll have to trust whoever is executor to do a decent job. Unimportant if you're not expecting an inheritance anyway. More important if there are assets you'd like a share of.

Original poster

aroundtheblock · 21/09/2022 14:50

what would you suggest I do when it comes to making a decision about my mother's health/care etc? I don't want to be cut out of decision making but I don't want to have to deal with her? My mother is not the type to have a sensible discussion about her wishes, she is very repressed and avoidant. That's why I was hoping a lawyer could tell me what my options are whilst making it clear that there is no relationship with my sister to hospital staff or my mother's lawyer etc.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 21/09/2022 14:55

I don't think you can get the best of both worlds. You can't have input without contact. You need to choose which is more important to you.

DashboardConfessional · 21/09/2022 14:59

You could only make decisions without contact if your sister was removed from the process. Which you can't do.

RoseAndRose · 21/09/2022 15:00

Hospital staff will expect you to sort it out between you if there is a difference of opinion about treatment options. Else it'll all end up in court, which is of course stressful all round.

If your DMum does not make a POA, then the Court of Protection will have to decide on who gets to make the decisions on either/both her finances and on her medical care. That is a protracted detailed and time consuming procedure entirely focused on what is best for the person who no longer has capacity.

Hearthnhome · 21/09/2022 15:04

What does your mother want? Maybe she doesn’t want both of you having POA?

Are you suggesting that whenever a decision comes about your mother you want to involve a solicitor? So if, god forbid, your Mother was on life support and a decision needs to be made, you want a solicitor to be contacted then they speak to you? That would massively complicate things. You wouldn’t want to be at the hospital talking to the doctors or you want your sister banned?

I have to say ‘she is jealous of my perfect life’ definitely screams both sides are an issue.

ThisisMax · 21/09/2022 15:06

Reading this the first thing that strikes me is that your mother is part of the problem too. Have you ever heard of triangulation?

You can cut your sister out of your life but you cannot make decisions about your mothers care without her so you need to accept that you give that up if you cut her out.

2bazookas · 21/09/2022 15:06

You don't need any legal process. Just break all contact with her. Don't contact her, stop engaging with her. Simple.

AnotherAnxiousMess · 21/09/2022 15:09

I don't know why she hates me. It might have to do with being academic, married to a rich man with a lovely lifestyle and she is single, has no friends and works all the time (i used to try to talk to her about her workaholism).

Maybe she doesn't like you because you criticise her lifestyle and you think you're better than her...
Also, think you're being OTT. Just cut contact with your sister and talk to your mum now about what future care or support she'll want.

Redqueenheart · 21/09/2022 15:12

I would just cut contact with your toxic relative. There is not legal procedure to do this.

But if she is harassing and/or threatening you, for example if she turns up at your house or keeps calling you even after you have told her you want nothing more to do with her, you can then apply for a restraining order.

You can continue to get involved in your mother's care but make it clear to doctors or social care professionals that you won't be involved in any joint meetings with your sibling and that you should be kept informed separately.

Yes, it will complicate matters when interacting with your mother but you need to do what is best for your mental health. She will need to think as well who she would want to take over her legal affairs should she lose capacity. Maybe if you and your sister don't get on a third party taking that responsibility might be more sensible.

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