I want to officially cut my sister out of my life

[aroundtheblock]

Dad died a couple of years ago, he was in hospital for 17 days after a stroke and my sister and I spent most of the time in the hospital. During this time she was extremely verbally abusive to me including following me into the toilets to tell me that I was only fake grieving, and telling a nurse that I was a trained actress and to ignore my crocodile tears. I did not respond in kind and asked her to stop speaking to me. My parents were divorced but mum rang my husband in Scotland to tell him to get me to leave the hospital and go home to mind our child. My DH told her that his mum and him were coping fine and that it was important to me to stay by my dad's sickbed. I did not ask my mother why she did this at the time due to avoiding conflict because of grief. Due to covid, I didn't visit my mother or sister so I never got the chance to confront them about their behaviour. I was at a family wedding in June and my sister was there, she ignored me, (pretty sure she asked to be sat away from me) and she verbally attacked me in the garden (out of earshot of everyone). She is normally an unemotional person with a job in statistics so she's very logical. But she cannot contain her anger around me and I don't see this ever changing. I have asked her to think about her rage towards me and put her thoughts in writing and I will respond. She didn't. I believe there is no going back. I don't want the stress of dealing with her when mum gets ill. So I want to make it official that we are no longer siblings and am going to a solicitor to find out how to do this as I don't think my mental health can take her insane rants at me any longer. AITA for doing this?

You don't have "options" regarding your mother's care. Your mother would have to be the one to appointment you POA. If she doesn't, you will have to completely stay out of it if you don't want to deal with your sister.

Maybe she followed you to the loo because she thought your poor DDad had had enough drama at his bedside.

I'm ready to bet that was not the start of the differences between you, and that there are other reasons she went NC with you

Yep
When I read this coupled with the fact that you want to “officially “ have nothing to do with your sister I did wonder what your sisters take on this would be.
Just don’t engage with her and don’t try to drag hospital staff or anyone else into your drama

You sound exactly like my sister.

My dad is getting very old and we are deliberately LC and only communicate when absolutely necessary

Once he's passed on I don't ever want to speak to her again but until then, we're making it work

You sound just like her

I don’t think you can be involved with decision making and have no interactions with your sister. What do you expect the hospital staff to do? Provide mediation every time a decision needs to be made and police visiting times? I don’t know if this is even possible, but if it is it would take them away from treating patients.

I think the best you can do is go no contact and keep things as civil as possible for your mum when the time comes.

but mum rang my husband in Scotland to tell him to get me to leave the hospital and go home to mind our child.

Do you think it's likely that she will want you involved in her care or any decisions for her?

Even if she did-why would you want to be?

They both seem to be pissed off with you.

You can't legally or officially separate from a sibling.

She is normally an unemotional person with a job in statistics so she's very logical. But she cannot contain her anger around me and I don't see this ever changing

That sounds to me like I'd like to hear both sides. If she's normally unemotional then there must be something from her side.

So I want to make it official that we are no longer siblings and am going to a solicitor to find out how to do this

Eh? The sibling relationship has no legality attached to it. 'Sibling' isn't a legal status and comes with no obligation. You aren't dependents. You're just two adults who happen to have the same parents, that's all. Even if it were possible to have yourselves declared non-siblings, that wouldn't mean that she wouldn't be able to talk to you. And you would still both have the same mother.

You can simply stop speaking to your sister in exactly the same way you can stop speaking to anyone else. If she is proactively harassing or stalking you (which it seems that she is not) then you could go to the police just as you would if she were a stranger.

If you wish to avoid dealing with her in the future then ask your mother to make sure you are not joint executors of her will when she dies and that she makes the executor one or the other of you, not both. But you would still be sisters.

Keeping them informed separately is a recipe for disaster, miscommunication and further problems.

When it comes to the care of Mother, it will be her who ends up damaged by it all.

One sister takes one thing away from a meeting and the other takes something else and a decision still can’t be made.

My mum wasn’t talking to one of her sisters when my grandfather was in the care of adult social services and they were finding him a home for this exact reason. Separate meetings were, correctly, refused. Both of them arguing caused so many problems and delays but less than would have been caused by separate meetings.

I have had no contact with my sibling for some years now. I told them that we were done and why and blocked their number and name sure my will made it clear that they were intentionally not in it. I've found that has been enough. When they tried to get back in touch recently I simply said no because my reasons had not changed.

It's your life and you owe you siblings nothing.

YABU... you cant legally devorce a sibling and its insane you think you can, what do you expect them to do change your DNA? put a perminate note on your family tree that you renounce siblingship? just crazy.

What stands out is its not just your sibling but your mother, there rearly smoke without fire and I bet there is far more to this story.

Its pretty rare that everyone else is toxic and you're just a completely innocent victim, usually when its lots of people theres a reason they act that way and the fact your own mother was trying to remove you from you dads deathbed says a LOT.

You say you didn’t visit due to covid which is fair?

But you could have asked your mum on the phone, why she made that call to your husband?

Have you visited her this year and asked her?

Please don't make it the medical staff's problem.

I once had someone who believed he should be making the decisions call me repeatedly, daily, threatening me, because no one was speaking to each other. I had followed the legal process but they were all convinced I hadn't and weren't talking. I couldn't tell him because of privacy. It was distressing and a waste of everyone's time.

Everyone needs to be calm about these things.

OP, I don't know your family dynamics obviously, so I won't judge you. I was in a similar situation with my sister.

We both live abroad. My sister is not a nice person, in fact she is a sociopath. I can't travel and so she was frequently going back to England to manipulate my parents in their last years - under the guise of helping them. She pulled off some pretty evil stunts, depriving them their liberty and happiness, to save my parents financial assets for herself.

The day my mother died she flew back to clean out their bank accounts and valuables. Long story short; we were Co-Executors of the will and not being able to travel, I asked a law firm, in my parent's town, to represent me so everything would be fair. I paid them. They didn't represent me, they let me down. I saved every email between me and the law firm, but because of the stress my parents deaths and sister's action caused me I couldn't bring myself to go through the emails and send them to the Legal Ombudsman.

The law firm allowed my sister to lie and have complete control of the executor duties, even allowed her to sell my parents house, without putting it on the market, to someone she knew. Never checked a thing for me. There were hundreds of thousands unaccounted for.

It appears you want to try and make this no contact change "legal" (which isn't a thing) to make a point to your sister. That's ridiculous. Just cut her off.

Just tell her to fuck off if she contacts you?

There would appear to be a huge personality clash or resentment or just plain old sibling rivalry here. Maybe there is a more serious and damaging reason, I don't know.

If you are determined not to have any involvement with her, why not appoint a solicitor or someone trusted to be YOUR attorney for legal matters. People do this all the time, e.g. when they buy property abroad, or need to get legal documents signed/witnessed. Your attorney can then do this on your behalf. e. g. wills, executorship, etc. Check it out.

It is NOT the same as a medical or enduring POA, it is a general POA and lasts for as long or as short a time as you wish.

I think you are being very presumptuous. You might not be an executor. You might not be names in the will. Your mum might already have a power of attorney to deal with her medical wishes. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you cant get along in a hospital maybe agree to visit at different times.

Tell your mother she can have one of you as LPOA but not both. Ditto executor. Hope she picks your sister and leave her to it.

My experience medically, with families that don't get on is usually one sibling is very involved and one not so involved but likes ranting from a corner. The ranters are unpleasant but can be ignored. Decisions get made anyway as if the parent has capacity they make their own decisions, and if they don't it's best interests which is usually pretty obvious. Even if one of the siblings has LPOA for health, they are supposed to represent what the parent would want, not just go off on one.

You can't legally do anything. Just block her and carry on. Has anyone had sight of the will, is there a will? Anyone have POA?

When /if your DM needs decisions to be made on her behalf, that can be done by someone she’s made power of attorney (and if you’ve not been asked to sign such a document you’re not it). In her shoes I’d choose one of you to have that role, get it legally drawn up, and the other sibling would then have no say. Same with executor of her will - she’ll have chosen someone (which could be neither of you), but should (legally speaking!) have asked first.

Perhaps she’s not got a POA drawn up. In which case if you can’t agree with your sibling it’ll end up with adult social worker and council involvement: decisions will be slow and be made by people who do t really know her or her preferences. Or, if hospital treatment options, by medical staff. The person suffering most from delays and uncertainty would be your DM.

If your mum called your husband to ask him to get you away from your dying father's bedside, maybe your mother also has an issue with you and having your sister be power of attorney/executor of the will might make more sense.
Either way, just talk to your mum about everything and just go non contact with your sister, it seems pretty simple and doesn't require legal aid or representation.

I'm intrigued as to why a usually rational person behaved in this way. Stress and grief can really disrupt our usual calm though. But you say you've tried to deal with her outbursts and given her a chance to respond.

For now I'd assert dpace from her, restrict visiting to just your mother and fo not seek any contact with your sister at all.
As to forward planning it is difficult but maybe bring up any plans her friends might have made, comment on those adverts on television for care/ wills funerals and your own thoughts for yourself. See if she starts to then open up. Good luck.

You’re being ridiculous. There’s no legal mechanism to separate a sibling relationship, because law puts no legal obligations on that relationship.

You don’t get on with your sister, fine. So don’t complain that she may have asked to be seated away from you. Sounds sensible.

You sound quite silly, saying she’s emotionless because she works in statistics. Silly and not very bright - you think none of us number types have human emotions? Just a Spock or Sheldon type, depending on your generation? 🤣 Start tuning into Radio 4’s More or Less - it will educate you and blow your mind that statisticians are normal people!

Making plans to see a solicitor to cut her off actually makes her sound the sensible one, you know?