I want to officially cut my sister out of my life

[aroundtheblock]

Dad died a couple of years ago, he was in hospital for 17 days after a stroke and my sister and I spent most of the time in the hospital. During this time she was extremely verbally abusive to me including following me into the toilets to tell me that I was only fake grieving, and telling a nurse that I was a trained actress and to ignore my crocodile tears. I did not respond in kind and asked her to stop speaking to me. My parents were divorced but mum rang my husband in Scotland to tell him to get me to leave the hospital and go home to mind our child. My DH told her that his mum and him were coping fine and that it was important to me to stay by my dad's sickbed. I did not ask my mother why she did this at the time due to avoiding conflict because of grief. Due to covid, I didn't visit my mother or sister so I never got the chance to confront them about their behaviour. I was at a family wedding in June and my sister was there, she ignored me, (pretty sure she asked to be sat away from me) and she verbally attacked me in the garden (out of earshot of everyone). She is normally an unemotional person with a job in statistics so she's very logical. But she cannot contain her anger around me and I don't see this ever changing. I have asked her to think about her rage towards me and put her thoughts in writing and I will respond. She didn't. I believe there is no going back. I don't want the stress of dealing with her when mum gets ill. So I want to make it official that we are no longer siblings and am going to a solicitor to find out how to do this as I don't think my mental health can take her insane rants at me any longer. AITA for doing this?

Having read your updates, I think I'm with your sister on this.

I stopped all contact with my (ex) sister after she behaved like a complete cunt when our mother was dying. Long story short, she'd not spoken to her or me for years, as we didnt fit into her fantasy pretend world of being posh and rich. I had no contact with her whilst mum was dying, did everything myself, and she didnt bother to come to the funeral. I simply forwarded her the inheritance, which she happily cashed, with a note saying don't ever contact me again. It was very empowering.

Sorry but even taking into account the fact that your posts will be biased in your favour, you still come across as quite the drama queen with a large dose of arrogance on the side. I can't believe you told your sister to put her complaint in writing. Who the heck do you think you are? That's barking.

You make out your life is so wonderful and great, where as she's "single with no friends". No wonder she's arsey towards you, if that's the message you've been putting out for the past however many years. You say she's logical, and because of her work, I'd assume fairly unemotional and a thinker. That she's seemingly turned on you without reason... that seems unlikely. She's got a reason, I promise you.

I don't think you can realistically have it both ways. You either cut the sister out (which you are perfectly within your rights to do so) or you lose your bargaining chip over the theoretical sick mum. I don't think you can easily or realistically have both.

If you cut out the sister, you need to be okay with probably having less involvement over mum-related issues. If you want involvement with the mum-issues, you need to accept there'll be some sister-issues to perhaps deal with as well. But that's when you say to yourself that, for a limited time, you're going to put on your best adulting pants and just deal with it.

I'm sorry about the death of your father and the conflict with your sister.

Do you think there's any possibility that you and your sister might benefit from professional mediation? You're right that at some point, your mother will need end of life decisions made, and then there will be her estate to deal with. I don't think you'll be able to avoid contact with your sister with regards to these (unless you choose to walk away from it altogether).

Obviously in the short term you might benefit from a cooling off period and simply avoiding contact with her and using the grey rock technique if you have to communicate, but I can't see how you can avoid some level of collaboration when it comes to the end of life for your mum. You are both clearly intelligent and capable people who are being caused pain and frustration by this conflict--is there no way you can agree to make an effort to develop some tools at least just for the necessary conversations about your mum's future care?

Don't think you can do it legally. I went NC with my vile sister some years back, and when I went to make a will the solicitor suggested I leave her a small sum which would stop her contesting the will - so I left her £5. Maybe bear this in mind when you make a will!

Hire the lawyer when the times comes to act as your agent and represent you (communicate on your behalf). Just move on with your life quietly between now and then.

Well it sounds as if you were making it all about yourself and your mum and sister had had enough. I don’t blame them. And now talking about this, it’s all very dramatic and attention seeking. Maybe you should just not contact them. I’m sure they’ll be very released.

If your sister’s a statistician, but you’re the academic one, then you must be the next Stephen Hawking 🤓

You’re asking for too much. I don’t get on with my sibling and when it came to my parents care one of us had to take charge, hospitals and the like (understandably) will not get involved in your dramas, neither will they repeat information they’ve already told a family member. You don’t sound like you’re close to your mum so it may be better that it’s your sister. Hospitals and funeral directors are only allowed to give information to Next of Kin or nominated people, speak to your mum about her wishes but don’t expect to not put the work in but still be heavily involved in her care.

There is no way to make it official, you will just have to stay no contact and if a situation arises where decisions need to be made about your mother’s care (it may not) then you will either have to have one of you deal with it alone, or just make the best of it.

I know someone whose children were in this position and she left a note specifying she did not want a funeral…I think she knew otherwise there would have to be two.

Are you saying you want to be sole decision maker or that you want to be uninvolved in your mother's care?

The former will be determined by your mum if she does a medical POA. . The latter you can do yourself by just refusing to be involved.

There must be more to this story. My own sister married a rich man and we get along beautifully well. I find it hard to believe that such venom has no other underlying cause.

Ask mum to pick just one of you for a health POA, and just one of you or a solicitor for executor. Don't be surprised when she doesn't pick you, your drama sounds a bit much for others to handle.

why would the solicitor think she would contest the will? That is very odd and interesting to me. The only people who potentially have a valid claim if left out of a will is a pretty narrow cohort and siblings are not generally a part of that. (Mind you, I do not know what the law is in Scotland about siblings)

I am really extremely intrigued by that!

I do wonder about the other side of the story, when I read one-sided posts like this.
Sorry about your dad though, OP, and it does sound like you and your sister are better off not being in each others' lives.

Just grow the fuck up the pair of you.
You are siblings, its the longest lasting relationship most people will ever have. Far too precious to just throw away.
How about you try to act like the highly intelligent professionals you obviously are and try to work things out, if not for your own sake, for your mother who has just lost her husband.

You sound ridiculous and unhinged OP. Grow up, both of you. For goodness sake, you don’t have to ‘divorce’ your sibling to not have to make decisions with her or to care for your mother 🙄

I don't think you can legally disown a sibling, but you could make a will leaving her nothing at all, and ensuring there are no loopholes where your sister could possibly inherit anything.

Just here for the drip feed later to see what you did to make her so mad

Just step back. I'm one of four siblings and don't speak to two of them and our Mother.

They would both tell you lots of reasons why we don't speak.

The truth is we were raised by abusive parents and the dysfunction in our relationships is caused by our shared history.

I would hazard a guess there is lots of dysfunction in your upbringing op and that it would be impossible to unravel it now.

Very wise.

Step back - be neutral.

Grow up. Legally not a sibling? Don't want to talk to her about your mums death?

Are you 8?

I have a BIL who we are nc with. I am not sure what his side of the story would be but ours is that he lied to us and about us and stole from my PILs.

Anyway- we just ignore him. At family gatherings I might say a polite but distant hello but as he literally refuses to look us in the eye it is easy enough to simply ignore him. Every other member of the family know we (and DH's two other sisters as well) refuse to speak to him but not why as we don't say. We all just blank each other.

It's actually not that much of a problem tbh. Certainly no great legal declarations that make no sense anyway.