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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about my child being forced to sit next to child who harms him just because he’s a good kid

90 replies

Mollyshoe · 20/09/2022 22:28

Last year my son sat next to a very disruptive boy who would thump him all day long, thump him to demand to see answers, just generally distract him by tapping hîm and kicking his chair and also coughing and blowing in his face and pulling his hair.

I asked to have my son moved after he started to hate school because of it. This was only after nothing else worked. The school said no. Eventually they moved my son and his mood improved.

this year, year six, my son was happy to be sitting with his friend. But after a week, the disruptive boy was moved next to my son because he was misbehaving and they think my shy, well behaved son is a good influence. Maybe he is but my son is now getting thumped, harassed, tapped, kicked and blown at again.

The teachers say they don’t see it happening - because the boy does it when he can get away with it as soon as the teacher is marking, covered by ta, talking to another child!

Am I being unreasonable to ask for my son to move? I know they need resilience but not against this it’s unfair he had to sit next to disruptive kids who cause him harm and anxiety instead of his friend because he’s a good child.

he said he feels like he’s being punished and struggled to sleep tonight .

To be clear this is about this one child harming mine not a hate war against all kids who are “disruptive”to varying and uncontrollable degrees and who I understand may face understandable challenges that I sympathise with.

OP posts:

MoltenLasagne · 21/09/2022 11:03

Hopefully everything will be sorted now OP.

I was another pillow kid. Originally I was sat with a child with SEN to support their learning because I always finished first and I didn't mind that. Then I got moved to sit next to a disruptive child who would consistently wreck my work. I ended up refusing to do the work at all, and saying "well Philip will only destroy it anyway".

Unfortunately as a buffer kid, the only way to get out of a situation is to create another difficult one for the teacher, whether that's loud complaining, becoming disruptive yourself or just refusing to work until it's sorted. Be the squeaky wheel.

JazbayGrapes · 21/09/2022 11:26

You son need to thump him back. No smarter way to solve this.

madasawethen · 21/09/2022 11:37

Well done on going to the school. Hopefully it is settled now.

I was a buffer child for awhile until this one boy really went too far and tripped me on the playground. I went home with skinned knees and hands. My dad took me out back and showed me how to fight.

the boy started again on me in class being sneaky. I grabbed his hand and twisted his finger back hard. Never bothered me again after that.

PeekAtYou · 21/09/2022 11:40

Yanbu and I've done the same for my kids.
While I understand that someone has to sit next to him because of a lack of space in the classroom, my experience is that the task isn't shared evenly and the teacher picks kids/parents who are least likely to complain or have the longest fuses.

stormywhethers321 · 21/09/2022 11:41

YANBU

Do it. I'm a teacher and I cannot stand it when the well-behaved children are used as a buffer for the bullies.

2bazookas · 21/09/2022 11:42

I would write a formal letter to the head teache and the class teacher, (use their names, send one copy to each) saying that despite your previous complaints on (dates) your son is still being forced to sit beside <named pupil> and endure their persistent physical abuse and bullying in lessons. This is having a detrimental effect on DS' education and sleep and is a serious concern.

You request a copy of the school's safeguarding policy, and a formal meeting with the head to discuss protective intervention.

As an experienced teacher of that year group , I had eyes in the back of my head and flatly do not believe the teacher's claim of not seeing the boy in action. Especially after previous complaints, both she and the TA should be constantly keeping a sharp eye on the disruptive pupil and your son. I'm quite sure other pupils have not "failed to notice" so the staff haven't a leg to stand on.

If he is 11 , the bully has now reached the age of criminal responsibility , which means physical assault can be a police matter. If the school doesn't get its act together, that's an option open to you.

Maymaymay · 21/09/2022 12:15

Yanbu, but you would be being unreasonable to keep him off school or go in angrily demanding he be moved as this teacher won't know the previous issues. Write an email explaining your situation and ask for him to be moved.

MedievalNun · 21/09/2022 12:29

NumberTheory · 21/09/2022 02:34

OP if you can deal with this without involving the police, that will probably be easiest and best (providing it actually gets dealt with). But I think you need to be much more proactive than you appear to be being here and not just leave it up to your son to protest each time.

Email the school and inform them your son is being assaulted in class by this boy. Mention this is a continuation of behaviour they dealt with in year 5 that disrupted DS’s schooling for [however long it was before they moved them] and that their letting it recur seems to be a failure of their duty of care to your son and you expect a more timely response this time. If their bullying policy seems robust enough, specifically ask them to follow it. But if it’s pretty wispy washy tell them you don’t consider it appropriate by itself and they need to immediately protect your DS from criminal assault.

Having him loudly protest isn’t a bad idea. Each time this happens he should tell the boy to stop and walk away and tell the teacher, unless he fears that will escalate the violence, in which case he needs to tell the teacher quietly when he can. But it isn’t enough. Everyday this happens he needs to tell you and you need to email the school (so there is a trail they can’t deny) stating that your son has been assaulted in school again and asking what safeguarding steps they are going to take to stop it happening. If he has bruises you need to take photos of them. If they don’t move him after the second time it happens, go to the police and report the assault, tell them you have tried to go through the school but they are putting your son in harms way. I would also keep my child off school, informing the school that he will only return when they agree a plan with you to keep him safe from assault.

This may seem like a dramatic response. But if you don’t make them act quickly your DS will lose confidence in the school and, more importantly, in you. He will stop telling you what’s happening and become much more vulnerable - just as he gets to an age when you really need good communication with him over risks and relationships. He can’t handle this on his own. He doesn’t have the autonomy to change his environment and get properly away. He risks being told of himself for defending himself and his teachers aren’t listening to him. You need to make them take it seriously and make your son’s school safe for him.

This. In it's entirety.

I would also add what a previous PP said - contact the local Police Station and get the name & contact email of the school's police liaison and copy them into each and every email that logs the violence. If you're in Wales, ESTYN get copies of any police liaison complaints when they are assessing a school so I'm assuming OFSTED will too - and that will focus the mind of the school's management team.

Otherwise I am just so very sorry that your DS is going through such an awful time. Bullying is insidious and unless stopped the effects last a lifetime, so I hope you are able to resolve this quickly, for both your sakes.

GG1986 · 21/09/2022 12:29

Go to the headteacher with your concerns, i wouldn't be putting up with this if it was my child.

lizziesiddal79 · 21/09/2022 12:34

My child has been used as pillow child twice. Both times I just went straight to the Head. It was dealt with. I don’t care if they think I am that mother. Yes, I am that mother.

(I used to teach. I tried to put children who were disruptive on their own or at least right in front of my desk. )

Hoppinggreen · 21/09/2022 12:38

DD was the quiet well behaved child at Primary that was seen as a calming influence on certain children (usually boys). I thought it was character building etc etc until she was stabbed in the leg with a compass.
I calmly but firmly explained that DD was not there to calm anybody and was not to be used in this way again. It stopped

Jules912 · 21/09/2022 13:12

PeekAtYou · 21/09/2022 11:40

There is a similar child in my DDs class (who almost certainly has SEN rather than just naughty), the teacher rearranged the classroom so that they have their own desk at the front right by the teacher. They join another table for group work but the TA goes with them.

serenghetti2011 · 21/09/2022 16:58

I was the kid, sen and struggled with work was quiet and was sat by the evil school bully who kicked me and was cruel and horrible I literally did nothing was quiet and well behaved used to go home bruised. Teacher knew all about it and did fuck all. Nasty cow

Paq · 23/09/2022 11:06

How's it going OP?

OurChristmasMiracle · 23/09/2022 11:15

I would be raising it as bullying - and I would be asking why the school was allowing my child to be repeatedly physically assaulted which has left multiple bruises and what actions they have taken or are planning to take.

if I wasn’t happy with their plans I would be informing the school that until they can safeguard my child appropriately my child would not be returning.

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