To be concerned about my child being forced to sit next to child who harms him just because he’s a good kid

[Mollyshoe]

Last year my son sat next to a very disruptive boy who would thump him all day long, thump him to demand to see answers, just generally distract him by tapping hîm and kicking his chair and also coughing and blowing in his face and pulling his hair.

I asked to have my son moved after he started to hate school because of it. This was only after nothing else worked. The school said no. Eventually they moved my son and his mood improved.

this year, year six, my son was happy to be sitting with his friend. But after a week, the disruptive boy was moved next to my son because he was misbehaving and they think my shy, well behaved son is a good influence. Maybe he is but my son is now getting thumped, harassed, tapped, kicked and blown at again.

The teachers say they don’t see it happening - because the boy does it when he can get away with it as soon as the teacher is marking, covered by ta, talking to another child!

Am I being unreasonable to ask for my son to move? I know they need resilience but not against this it’s unfair he had to sit next to disruptive kids who cause him harm and anxiety instead of his friend because he’s a good child.

he said he feels like he’s being punished and struggled to sleep tonight .

To be clear this is about this one child harming mine not a hate war against all kids who are “disruptive”to varying and uncontrollable degrees and who I understand may face understandable challenges that I sympathise with.

What did the school say?

I agree, you must stand up for your son.

At school I had the 'naughty' boy next to me throughout my junior years. It was because I was so quiet and good but would almost be like his 121 🙄 or mini teacher trying to get him to be quiet/ listen. This meant I struggled to focus and fell behind as a result.
No one helped me and I wish they had.

YANBU
Schools are quite powerless these days, there is no much at all they can do with persistently disruptive children. Not much help or funding. But that’s the thing, duty of care is for all the children. And the fact that the child is quiet and non disruptive doesn’t mean that their feelings have to be disregarded. No, I would absolutely not having my child be used as a “good influence “ in this case. More like abuse.

Yes, I’m a teacher. You are being reasonable asking for him to be moved. Email and I say ‘I would like him moved immediately.’
Done. No need to go into huge detail, just say for the same reasons as before.

However, with him being in year 6 now I would also suggest encouraging your child to have a little talk with the teacher at break and ask if they can move away. When he gets to secondary there will be multiple seating plans that he may not be happy with and this might help for if he has to speak to teachers then.

This other child is probably waiting for every opportunity that that teacher is not watching. E. G turning to the board for a moment, helping another student.

My kids primary school was like this - even to the point where my son was expected to play with this kid at each lunch and break. I only discovered when my son started crying at night saying the kid would hit him if my son did not play what he wanted my son to play. Tell them this seating if effecting your sons mental and physical health and you need the school to protect him. And if they don’t I would escalate to head teacher or even board. Go one further and take your son into school this morning and ask to see the head teacher as your son is being bullied.

I would contact the school and log it as a safeguarding issue. The school have a duty of care to keep your son safe. Ask then what the propose to do to keep him safe.

follow up your conversation with an email and also have a future meeting date in place.

I can see this one from both sides unfortunately. No child should go to school to be assaulted so no, he shouldn’t have to sit with him. However, I’m a teacher and I have just started with my new class who has a child like this in it. It seems over the years parents have repeatedly phoned in to say their child isn’t ‘allowed’ to sit next to this child. Some parents have phoned in to say their child isn’t ‘allowed’ near a few other children too so I have inherited this class I’m just getting to know and I can’t move a single child anywhere without children announcing ‘HE’S NOT ALLOWED NEAR HIM’ or ‘I’M NOT ALLOWED NEAR HER’! It’s now got to the stage if I move anyone for repeatedly talking, a parent phones in to complain. The very nature of being the teacher is that you are in control and make decisions around children’s learning, including where they sit but I feel my class is now being run by parents and the kids are aware of this. A boy came in last week and said to another boy who was clearly now unhappy with his seat ‘DID YOUR MUM NOT PHONE AND TELL HER LAST NIGHT?’. I’m on the verge of quitting for a whole list of reasons, the behaviour of children you describe being one of the main ones but parents running the class is now another. It can be difficult not to speak negatively about someone’s child when a parent phones in to complain about someone so that might be what the teachers are doing in your case but every time I get someone phoning in I just have to agree, add that rule to my long list and move them

I'm so sorry this is happening to your son.

It happened to one of my DC who is now in their mid thirties.

I let it go on too long. Don't be like me.

It's so wrong to team a 'good' child with a 'Naughty' one...I remember having to sit next to the class Bully occasionally... I detested it, as I'm, sure she did.

Her slack~ lipped sneer as she was pulled from the back of the class to the front was memorable.

They probably do it as your son has nothing in common with the naughty child, so the teacher hopes your good son will have a calming effect.

It's not your son's job to be a ''Good influence'' on this horrid boy.

I'm a teacher. Insist your child is moved. I had a child in my class who I had sat next to about 8 kids within the first few weeks but she was aggressive and violent to each so I put her on her own table and spent a lot of time working on positive responses as she was using the violence to get attention so I made sure I gave her a lot of attention and support before she got violent and she began to improve and was able to sit with groups for certain subjects.

can you tell him to shout loudly every time the child hits him? Then he'll be the disruptive one and the teacher can sit your DC next to a nice quiet child.

I can't believe that teachers still do this. I used to get it all the time until my dad went in and told them he'd told me to punch back and had taught me some boxing moves. (he hadn't, but i probably would have eventually punched back)

Separate desks like in exam halls might be better?
Sounds like hell.
Discipline seems definitely have gone to pot in the last two decades.

Looking at old films like Kes, the cane seemed to work! {I jest}

Years ago, there were ''Naughty'' children, but they were very much in the minority, and a University lecturer friend who also taught GCSE at FE colleges in the past says ''You never get any trouble from students who sit in the front row, it's always those at the back''

The cane scene in Kes was actually real.
The actors weren't told of it , and were paid extra.
Looked very painful.

I would say that you will not use my child to scaffold this child. This child clearly needs a LSA and that is not my child's problem. Move the child away from my son or I will move my son from the school.

Your son is being physically assaulted daily by this boy.
I'd demand he was moved, I would not be asking.

That has seriously got to be a safeguarding issue. Your son, who is a good kid deserves to feel safe at school.

This is assault and its got to stop. The dissruptive kid needs one to one help or therapy of some kind too but not to the detriment of other children.

The violent kid probably feels out of his depth, or feels a bit thick.....so putting him next to a clever child is making him feel worse, hence his behaviour, so it is a very vicious cycle.

I am sure if you speak to the head teacher, get them to understand your concerns and mention safeguarding, hopefully they will step up and sort this out.

I really hope a solution happens and quickly.

Good luck Op, this is actually outrageous, especially after last year. If not joy I would escalate past the teacher to the Head and even then governors. Hoping that never needs to happen. It is indeed assault as a previous poster has said.

Did you speak to the school this morning OP?

If you haven't already written to the school you could ask some of the very articulate people here to help you draft something.

You need to give them no excuse or wriggle room. A year of anxiety, bruises and poor mental health is punishment for being the good kid and as others have said very lazy teaching. It's also cruel.

Being the nice quiet good kid he probably doesn't feel able to assert himself with the child or teacher. He might feel it's not worth talking to her or that he's not listened to or believed?

I hope you get this resolved and your son has a nice final year.

I went to school with my son this morning and had a quiet word with the teacher at the door. I insisted my son be moved it I wouldn’t allow him into class. When I got home I put my concerns into an email confirming the conversation as some have advised above to have a paper trail and to ensure it happens. Fingers crossed I get a happier boy coming home this afternoon.

thanks everyone for the advice. It really is very unfair he had to put up with this.

Great stuff OP. Just make sure your son knows he's not allowed to sit next to this other child anymore. I would go so far as to tell him he is to point blank refuse to sit next to him ever again. He is not to listen to the teacher about it if they try to move this other kids back next to him at any point.

Normally I'm all for listening to the teacher, but over my dead body would someone else's kid be punching my child and nothing be done about it.

My daughter was the buffer kid for a very long time until I just told the teacher to sort the disruptive behaviour herself and not use my poor daughter to do it. I'd asked multiple times for her to be moved and the teacher fobbed me off. I used to go along with the swimming class and DD was partnered with disruptive boy, being forced to hold his hand. He shoved her into a wall once and it took a lot of skin off. I was furious because my little girl would always just say a quiet "Ow!", look really sad and rub her arm whereas other kids in the class would have shoved him back or generally kicked off about it. I couldn't even say much in case I was taken off supervision duty for the swimming pool walk.

DDs work would have scribbles on that weren't hers. She'd have her things snapped, broken or just taken. She never made a fuss because she was very non-confrontational and teacher didn't do anything about it when she did complain.

After I told the teacher that I would not put up with it any longer and would be putting a complaint in, DD would come home with stories of how disruptive not had been in a fist fight and sent to Mrs xxx because he hit so and so who he was sitting with and they hit him back and a fight started.

Not my problem. Soz.

My DD (now 19) had something similar in year 3. She was sat next to a child with learning difficulties and behavioural problems as DD was a quiet, calm, well-behaved child and the teacher thought she would be a good influence on the other child, and help her with work. It totally disrupted Dds learning and made her hate going into school (even more than she did already). This was the final straw for us re school and her and her sisters became home educated after that and never looked back.

This.

It is not your child's job to make things easier for the school.

I can understand teacher may not see it but as your child does not have form for lying why can't she just believe him and move seats?? Especially if you tell her sleep is effected and not enjoying school anymore.

You did the right thing insiting he is moved. Hopefully that is it sorted.

Just tell the school he is being hurt by the child and for them to ensure he does not sit by him again as he is at risk of becoming a school refuser as it is getting difficult to send him In as he is so worried

Key words and they will act