Mum's wedding speech

[GeneralSOneill]

My mum is getting married in 2 weeks. I'm a bridesmaid though I've asked twice not to be, so I'm.alreafy a little mardy about the whole thing. I'm really really happy for her getting married, I'm just not in to the actual weddings themselves! (I eloped).

Mum asked me to organise her hen do which I was happy enough to do and it went really well. DH and I both work full time and have huge projects with looming deadlines so are working flat out at them moment, we also have a couple of health issues and 2 young children so life is a bit full on at the moment. I had asked if some of the other bridesmaids could help with the hen do but was told as they both wft (with adult children) they'd be far too busy (!)

Now, my sister has told me that mum is expecting me to write and give a speech at the wedding. That 2 of my brother's have been asked and declined so I have to do (my sister won't). Here's the AIBU:

I'm currently hanging on to my sanity by a thread with work, kids and health, which mum knows. I've checked with mum and she is expecting all my siblings to "chip in" writing the speech and I'm just to read it, but with 10 days to go, no one has so much as mentioned this to me and when I have now mentioned it to my brothers they've claimed to know nothing about it. So I've said I'm happy to do a reading, read a speech but I have neither time nor mental fortitude to write a wedding speech right now. Mum's pissed off at me and in a hump. AIBU?

I think YANBU because it's not about the speech, it's about you being expected to do everything while none of your siblings lift a finger. I know that feeling when you cannot take on another thing - it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

However, I'd probably do it, but keep it really short and simple (this will probably be less stressful for you than reading a crap speech one of your brothers wrote).

From someone who’s never said yes to stuff I don’t want to do, this is TERRIBLE advice.
The line must be drawn here, and no further.

I knew that the others would be golden. I suspect they 'get away' with doing what they want when they want and your Mum just excuses/accepts it. It's a different kettle of fish with you though. Have you ever tried to explain how you feel and the perceived double standards?

Honestly OP do what's best for you. One of the others can step up. I was in a similar situation and they didn't step up although I did something special but it was clear they didn't like it so I don't do anything now :-(

Don't 'just do it' because it won't be good enough and you'll be even more annoyed/upset. Just leave it and say you can't.

This is tough - you’re kind of the scapegoat & so you’re darned if you do write the speech (& it’s not v thoughtful, funny, kind, long etc) & darned if you don’t (& leave to the others who won’t bother & you’ll get the blame anyway.)

Unfair on you from all sides & sympathise.

Write something acceptable (forget it being all of the above) & say that it will be “good enough” given your commitments & current load. Do not compensate for the lack of siblings’ contributions either.

Inform siblings that as per your mothers wishes you will be calling each of them up at your speech - to say their part.

It’s up to them what they choose to do & say or not say.

If they say they can’t go up & speak tell them you will read out their contributions.

If not the speech will only reflect yours.

Tell your mother this in advance.

You cannnot move mountains 💐

Don't forgot to add that you were chosen to do the speech as the favourite child.

@GeneralSOneill

It's not fair, and I have been that 'one' with my siblings. But as others have said, it doesn't need to be war and peace, so with that in mind... Here's a template:

Copy and paste...

Mum and (insert name) have been together (x) years, and it's clear to anyone who has known them over this time, that they are quite simply made for each other.

I've had the pleasure of seeing the joy they bring to each others life; and knowing how happy (x) makes my mum, is all that you can wish for as a daughter.

(I know my siblings echo this sentiment... If siblings provide short stories or anecdotes add here... If not just leave and move on).

I would like to finish with the words of James Bertolino, as my wish for you both today ...

May your love be firm,
And may your dream of a life together
be a river between two shores
by day bathed in sunlight, and by night
illuminated from within. May the heron
carry news of you to the heavens, and the salmon bring
the sea’s blue grace. May your twin thoughts spiral upward
like leafy vines, like fiddle strings in the wind,
and be as noble as the Douglas fir.
May you never find yourselves back to back
without love pulling you around
into each other’s arms.

Can everyone please raise their glasses and toast to the bride and groom...

This is a horrible reply. Just ignore it OP.

You sound utterly stressed and like this is just a step too far. That’s ok, it is not your job to fulfill all of your Mum’s wishes, and to be honest it sounds utterly cringey to be insisting on a hen night etc as a previously married mother of four.

I hope that when my children are adults I will be able to support them when they are stressed, and never add to their pressure for my own frivolous reasons.

If you decide to proceed, take others advice and use a poem or quotation to pad out the basic well-wishes. And then run the entire script by your mother, via e-mail, to get her approval ahead of time. That way on the day of, she will not be able to complain as it's been approved by her in advance.

Just copy this word for word (well, maybe put the actual names in) - take no more than 5 minutes, print it out and forget about it. You'll have done it (for the last time) and you can stop thinking about. Then once the wedding is over, just say no to everything, no excuses, no reasons, just no.
Oh and YANBU. Not at all. You've been shafted by your siblings and your mother.

You sound like you are at burn out point. I've been there and taking on just one more thing wouldn't have been possible. Prior to burnout I was a champion at keeping all the plates spinning but I just hit my limit. I think you are at that point. Your mum needs to respect that. If she continues to pressure you say that you will stand up and propose a toast to the bride and groom but no more than that.

At the end of the day, no matter how reasonable you feel now about refusing the request, years will pass, your mum will get old, and all you’ll remember about this time is that you didn’t do the speech she wanted. You will feel guilty. You’ll constantly need to remind yourself of your reasons that felt incredibly justified at the time. It won’t help.

I’ll write the speech for you

Mum and me go way back, my whole life actually! (Cue laughter).

I know I speak for brother sister brother when I say she really made our childhood special/fun/brilliant.

My earliest memory of mum is xyz

Something that haunts is insert something funny like disaster family hol

When she first met husband we all thought X, turns out to be true/false and he is best guy ever! Welcome to our family husband!

They are clearly made for each other and we are so happy mum has found love again.

Thanks for everything mum, you look so beautiful tonight.

please raise your glasses to the happy couple

I agree with other posters. If you are able to, separate out this specifically being the straw that breaks the camel's back and the broader sense that you are the one being dumped upon. Address them separately in your mind.

The speech itself can be little more than a toast. Other posters have given good templates and suggestions. Your role in giving the speech is not to regale the guests with anecdotes and provide them with after-dinner entertainment, but to thank everyone for attending, give a gesture of celebration and a toast to the happy couple. (If what is wanted is indeed after dinner entertainment I agree that is a step too far.)

I would get the speech over with with as much sincerity as you can, and quite separately address your unhappiness with your siblings and mother. This is not to say that I underestimate how stressed you are, because I don't, but weddings are symbolic and bring out underlying stuff. You are entitled to address the underlying stuff; on this occasion though I would do the speech.

Yes, you do. So tell your DM that you, as well as all her other children, won’t make the effort to do a speech, and you wont be going to the wedding.
Honestly, you’ve practically had another PP writing the speech for you here - it would literally take you 5 minutes to fill in the details and it would be done.

Well, there's a surprise!

That's perfect!

I would reiterate that this isn't the hill to die on @GeneralSOneill . You will make yourself the target and it won't make a blind bit of difference to your toxic siblings.

Your feelings are indicating that change is needed. Definitely something to work on after the wedding. 💐

Love KTKismet's speech outline. It's 2 minutes tops. But for heaven's sake don't pass it around for approval of anyone - they'll object and want it re-written. Just say the speech is written and will be revealed on the day. And if they don't like those potatoes - they can write their own

I hate long speeches at weddings - they are rarely any good and can be utterly cringe worthy.

just write it in five minutes now?

”Mum, Tom, Dick, Harriet and I are all so thrilled to be here on your wedding day to Patrick.

You have been a fantastic Mother to us and Grandmother to all of your 2/3/4 etc grandchildren, all of whom are here today sharing in your happiness. Today is a day we celebrate you and Patrick and is a time for you to enjoy yourself without having to think and care for all of us for once.

It has been wonderful for us to see how happy you have become.

Turning to Patrick, we want to thank you for coming into our mother’s life. Since you met, x months / years a go our Mother has been brighter and happier.

Please join me in raising a glass to Janet and Patrick!”

Sit down. Done.

Oh go away YellowTreeHouse.

OP ignore this shower of shite, you are doing the right thing saying no.

I hope you feel better soon OP

OP, I echo what others have said about filling in the details of one of the templates here and just reading it out for 30 seconds/ a minute. And the second the wedding is over taking a HUGE step back from your family and from anything else you can that is bringing you stress.
I absolutely hear how close to the edge you are, but I think not doing it and the fall out that brings might tip you over quicker than just standing up and saying something generic.
It sounds like showing the world that her kids love her is more important to your mum than showing her kids she loves and supports them. That is fucking shit. But not doing this will feed into the drama I suspect she loves and a wedding will really feed that drama. Don't let her make it all about how you let her down on Her Big Day, read the hallmark, meaningless words and don't give it another moments thought. Fill in the gaps in the easiest generic speech listed here and don't think about it again until you stand up. And if you are as close to the edge of exhaustion as you sound, could your other half be on stand by to take over literally reading it if needs be?

Exactly this @GeneralSOneill I'm also so sorry your mum is putting extra pressure on you rather than giving you help/ space you need. You sound like you have a very full plate at the moment.

My mother does similar, I tried to say I was struggling with mental health... She had it worse/ I was "playing the mental health card"... My husband booked me a break away from the kids and home life... I was an ungrateful mother/ she loves my kids more than me/ I take advantage of my husband... I've never felt more seen than watching Encanto with my kids and hearing the song Surface Pressure 😂😂 (it's now a gym song of mine!!)

I've given a generic template and poem above. I'm actually off work at the moment between jobs, and have some free time on my hands... If you need further help polishing it, then DM me (I'm assuming there's messaging on this 😂😂 I'm still fairly new to MN).

Whilst I think you would be well within your rights to say you're not doing it, as PinkArt says, I think it will just fuel her drama! Sending big hugs

Everyone saying it just takes 5 minutes, just do it etc, there has to be a line somewhere with all the “just one more thing” crap. The op has drawn her line in what she can do and it should be respected.

It seems like this is the straw that is breaking the camels back.