AIBU?
To tell him to do one or is he being fair?
louissyrup · 20/09/2022 11:07
My partner of two years has an old fashioned idea about parenting.
A bit like my own father in the 80's.... when asked to do something, you did it immediately for fear of being disciplined.
He has 'expectations' that need to be met he says.
I have two children with special needs.
They are both quite emotionally dependant on me and are very anxious.
One has Asperger's the other has general
Anxiety disorder.
The child with Asperger's is 14 and the youngest is 12.
My childrens father left abruptly one morning three and a half years ago for a colleague.
The children and I were completely shocked and distraught.
Their symptoms of their extra needs exacerbated.
I got Drs , schools and therapists involved .
They're doing ok but a long way to go before either of them trust again.
My youngest is afraid that I'm going to leave and shadows me all day long when I'm not working.
My children have a very poor relationship with their Dad as he isn't hugely interested and they really can't forgive him.
I do not not have no spoken badly about him to them.
So back to my AIBU.... my partner has a huge issue with the way my children treat me.
He cannot cope with my children not doing what they're told immediately.
He treats one of them in particular, the youngest one very strictly. I've heard him being sarcastic and cold towards him.
Partner doesn't live with us so interaction is limited..
He cannot understand why their rooms aren't spotless and their spaces spick and span at all times. Thinks I should cut off money and phones until their rooms are spotless every day.
Says it upsets him to hear the way my youngest speaks to me at times.
He thinks my youngest has no interest in a relationship with him. Sometimes I wonder if my youngest is afraid of him.
My youngest has huge anger and aggression , I believe from modelling his fathers behaviour towards me but t also unable to manage these huge emotions.
Sometimes he says nasty things but apologises straight after . We are working on this through therapy and school.
He is also awaiting CAMHS.
He is doing ok.
In the midst of a row recently, his exact words were ....,' If you asked me to go away for a break woth your kids right now, the answer would be a firm NO'
I was terribly hurt.
He said he couldn't bear them
Calling me for this and that and
Not keeping their areas spotless.
Im a single mom , working full time, useless exh and have a partner who doesn't contribute to my life domestically( my choice)
He doesn't seem to understand children with special or additional needs . Thinks my youngest especially is playing me for a fool and doesn't believe all of the crying, continuous shadowing, phone calls and texts are symptoms of anxiety but a need to control me and my partner really resents him. I can see it although he denies it .
AIBU or is he ?
Natty13 · 20/09/2022 11:15
Your kids are probably terrified of him. They are YOUR children to parent how you see fit.
I literally do not understand how you can be with someone who is "cold and sarcastic" with your children, who criticises your parenting, who you think your child is scared of (100% agree he probably is). Any one of those things and he would be straight out the door for me.
I dated men after I split from my exH whose parenting opinions were incompatible with mine and so when that became apparent I always just ended things. Children need love and security from their mother. Not to have their safe person bringing someone they are scared of into their lives.
Brefugee · 20/09/2022 11:18
Put your children first, OP. He has no business telling you what you should be doing. He can think what he likes, but not act on it etc.
You need a better partner. Sorry.
NicolaSixSix · 20/09/2022 11:18
He needs to stay in his lane. He’s not a parent to your children, you don’t live together. The state of your children’s bedroom is none of his business. If he has concerns about their behaviour towards you, he needs to behave and express himself in a supportive way.
if you talk to him and set boundaries and he continues to not respect said boundaries, this is a red flag and you would then need to consider the future of this relationship. Imagine how more controlling someone that behaves like this can become once you move in together etc
Littlefish · 20/09/2022 11:18
Your poor, poor children.
They are extremely vulnerable and you are allowing this unkind and ignorant man to influence their lives.
Please continue to put your children first and get rid of this awful man.
antwacky · 20/09/2022 11:18
He is being very unreasonable, he sounds jealous and controlling. You parent your children as you see fit, do what works for you and the kids. I would get shut of bloke.
shivawn · 20/09/2022 11:19
He sounds absolutely horrible OP. Go ahead and tell him to do one. YANBU.
MrsClarkandPercy · 20/09/2022 11:20
Tell him to f right off. Sorry, but he really isn't a good match for your extremely sensitive and recovering children, as they grow up Jx face the mot sensitive years of their lives, as teenagers.
He will traumatise them with his approach, and you.
I personally could not tolerate his attitude and would immediately cease contact with him.
Aubriella · 20/09/2022 11:20
Oh OP, I feel for you, but you already know the answer here.
You’ve done amazingly well for your kids since their deadbeat dad left, please don’t let another deadbeat man undermine all the work you’ve done. This man wants to ruin the relationship you have with your children.
How telling that this man contributes zero to your home and yet thinks he has the right to voice an opinion about your kids and what they contribute.
Please dump them today and let your kids enjoy their home with their mother.
MrsClarkandPercy · 20/09/2022 11:20
You and they need a kind man. Not someone with something to prove.
Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 20/09/2022 11:20
Why on earth would you continue to expose your children to an adult who clearly has nothing but disdain for them? Why are you with this guy? Do what is best for your kids and get rid of him.
DashboardConfessional · 20/09/2022 11:21
Why do you think you can make a relationship work with a boyfriend who doesn't like your children? In what universe is this going to have a happy ending?
Berthatydfil · 20/09/2022 11:23
This man should have NO input into how YOU parent YOUR CHILDREN,
Have you asked him on what basis he feels he has any business inserting his opinions ?
LuaDipa · 20/09/2022 11:25
Why are you letting this awful man spend time around your precious dc? Get rid of him and his nasty old fashioned opinions.
Natty13 · 20/09/2022 11:26
Also, expecting children to do exactly what The Man says as soon as he says it is a tiny step from him expecting YOU to do exactly as he says the second he says it because he is The Man and therefore In Charge. Massive red flags from this one please, please do not move him in.
TheLadyofShalott1 · 20/09/2022 11:26
Your "partner" is being so unreasonable that I don't think he should ever be around your children. For one thing, even if your DC were NT they should not be expected to keep their rooms "spick and span", they are children not submariners! But more importantly than that, he is trying to undermine your parenting skills, and it is obviously working as you are asking us who is being unreasonable!
Please finish with him now, he is making both you, and even more importantly, your DC very unhappy. I am not even going to ask what he brings to your relationship, because even if it is more than just "companionship" it is not a healthy relationship. You will not only be fine without him @louissyrup you and your children will be much happier in the long run. 💐
TeeBee · 20/09/2022 11:29
He needs to go! He will damage your children further. I would not be tolerating him and his shitty ideas.
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 20/09/2022 11:30
Bin Bin Bin.
Your kids will never be any better with him around. Poor kids.
GoldenGorilla · 20/09/2022 11:33
I have an autistic child, and nobody who spoke about him or treated him that way would be allowed to be in our lives at all. His attitude is hugely damaging. Please ditch him.
Floweryflora · 20/09/2022 11:37
What are you doing letting this man continue to be near them? You are responsible, keep him away immediately.
fairgame84 · 20/09/2022 11:37
YABU to be in a relationship with this man.
Get rid of him.
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