AIBU?
To tell him to do one or is he being fair?
louissyrup · 20/09/2022 11:07
My partner of two years has an old fashioned idea about parenting.
A bit like my own father in the 80's.... when asked to do something, you did it immediately for fear of being disciplined.
He has 'expectations' that need to be met he says.
I have two children with special needs.
They are both quite emotionally dependant on me and are very anxious.
One has Asperger's the other has general
Anxiety disorder.
The child with Asperger's is 14 and the youngest is 12.
My childrens father left abruptly one morning three and a half years ago for a colleague.
The children and I were completely shocked and distraught.
Their symptoms of their extra needs exacerbated.
I got Drs , schools and therapists involved .
They're doing ok but a long way to go before either of them trust again.
My youngest is afraid that I'm going to leave and shadows me all day long when I'm not working.
My children have a very poor relationship with their Dad as he isn't hugely interested and they really can't forgive him.
I do not not have no spoken badly about him to them.
So back to my AIBU.... my partner has a huge issue with the way my children treat me.
He cannot cope with my children not doing what they're told immediately.
He treats one of them in particular, the youngest one very strictly. I've heard him being sarcastic and cold towards him.
Partner doesn't live with us so interaction is limited..
He cannot understand why their rooms aren't spotless and their spaces spick and span at all times. Thinks I should cut off money and phones until their rooms are spotless every day.
Says it upsets him to hear the way my youngest speaks to me at times.
He thinks my youngest has no interest in a relationship with him. Sometimes I wonder if my youngest is afraid of him.
My youngest has huge anger and aggression , I believe from modelling his fathers behaviour towards me but t also unable to manage these huge emotions.
Sometimes he says nasty things but apologises straight after . We are working on this through therapy and school.
He is also awaiting CAMHS.
He is doing ok.
In the midst of a row recently, his exact words were ....,' If you asked me to go away for a break woth your kids right now, the answer would be a firm NO'
I was terribly hurt.
He said he couldn't bear them
Calling me for this and that and
Not keeping their areas spotless.
Im a single mom , working full time, useless exh and have a partner who doesn't contribute to my life domestically( my choice)
He doesn't seem to understand children with special or additional needs . Thinks my youngest especially is playing me for a fool and doesn't believe all of the crying, continuous shadowing, phone calls and texts are symptoms of anxiety but a need to control me and my partner really resents him. I can see it although he denies it .
AIBU or is he ?
Butchyrestingface · 20/09/2022 11:39
My youngest has huge anger and aggression , I believe from modelling his fathers behaviour towards me but t also unable to manage these huge emotions
At least part of that anger must relate to the fact you’ve introduced a controlling, insensitive cunt into their lives, surely?
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2022 11:48
MrsClarkandPercy · 20/09/2022 11:20
You and they need a kind man. Not someone with something to prove.
None of them need OP to have a man fgs. Her children have been through an awful lot and would benefit from having a happy peaceful home and no one criticising them for being children. They deserve a mum who puts them first and doesn’t date or introduce anyone else into their lives until she’s developed some decent boundaries.
OP, wtf are you doing. The fact you’ve spent 2 YEARS with a bully making your children's lives harder is appalling.
Honestly, spend some time working out how you ended up here and do what you need to do today.
louissyrup · 20/09/2022 11:50
Thank you thank you thank you !
I have been having sleepless nights about this.
Every since he passed that comment about going on a break with My kids, I've not spoken to him.
I am disgusted and horrified that he could have that attitude towards them.
He adores my middle child and my NT eldest. He just has a huge issue with my child who has severe anxiety.
My child with anxiety likes him and appreciates the time he spends trying to support him but if my child doesn't dance to his tune, then my partner simply disengages.
He has tried to support him but if my child does not do what he is asked by my partner, he simply give up on him as he has t met my partners ' expectations'.
I have a half day today so when I get a chance later, I am going to block him on every available platform do that he cannot ever contact me or my kids again.
He meant well, to his mind ,our parenting styles were incompatible and even he himself could see that because we were miles apart on what was best for my youngest in particular, the long term outcome would be damaging to my child .
I never asked him to be a father figure. He only saw them now and again as I separated that part of my life but when I wanted to rant and share my thought, he always had an opinion or advice that I simply didn't ask for.
wackamole · 20/09/2022 11:51
He has 'expectations' that need to be met he says.
This isn't a good basis for ANY interpersonal relationship, as compromise is essential. If his firm boundaries and yours clash, the relationship can't work. I'm not sure how he is a "partner", or what future you see with him. Your children are going to be in your life forever. He doesn't like children in general, and he dislikes yours in particular. If you want to proceed with him on a very casual basis, I'd advise seeing him away from your children. But if you're hoping for some kind of future together as a couple/family, it doesn't seem possible.
annonymousse · 20/09/2022 12:06
I'm so pleased to see you are ditching this man. I've only skim read the thread but when I read he doesn't live with you I felt outraged that he's trying to dictate how your kids behave in their own home. Imagine how awful things would become if he moved in. You are doing absolutely the right thing by ending this relationship.
Clarinet1 · 20/09/2022 12:09
I’m glad you’ve decided to block him. Speaking as a child whose DM, however well-meaning, brought two stepfathers into our lives who turned out to be destructive influences on DB and me, we would have been so much happier without them. This is a time when you have to put your children first.
ManateeFair · 20/09/2022 12:11
Why is someone who has only been in your life for two years and doesn’t live with you getting involved in disciplining your children? It’s none of his business whether they keep their rooms tidy, ffs. It’s not his house!
If he finds your children difficult and struggles to be in their company, as I assume he does from the holiday remark, that is not unreasonable in itself; it is simply the way he feels (I certainly know children that I absolutely would not want to spend a lot of time with - but unlike your boyfriend I recognise that this is my problem and not theirs or their parents’). But where he is being unreasonable is expecting your family dynamic and parenting to change purely to accommodate him. He is basically trying to bully you and your children into being the people he wants you all to be, and that’s horrible for them and for you.
If he can’t accept your parenting style or your childrens’ needs, he needs to leave. He is not their father. He isn’t even in a parental role. He is simply your boyfriend and he is a guest in your children’s home. Either he learns to accept that you do things differently, or he goes. This is his problem, not yours.
FWIW I’m quite stern about standards of behaviour and manners, and for all I know maybe your kids are walking all over you, I don’t know, but even I think this man just sounds like a nasty bullying prick. Of course the kids don’t want a relationship with him; he’s bloody horrible to them! Why would a hyper-anxious, insecure 12-year-old have any affection for a man who snaps at them all the time? Of course they’re frightened of him. They’ve had a difficult time as it is, and now some bloke has swanned in and made them feel shit about themselves. Whatever you may (or may not) need to do to address your kids’ behaviour and clinginess, it’s clearly not whatever this arsehole is suggesting. Honestly, end it. He is not right for either you or your family.
pastypirate · 20/09/2022 12:14
louissyrup · 20/09/2022 11:50
Thank you thank you thank you !
I have been having sleepless nights about this.
Every since he passed that comment about going on a break with My kids, I've not spoken to him.
I am disgusted and horrified that he could have that attitude towards them.
He adores my middle child and my NT eldest. He just has a huge issue with my child who has severe anxiety.
My child with anxiety likes him and appreciates the time he spends trying to support him but if my child doesn't dance to his tune, then my partner simply disengages.
He has tried to support him but if my child does not do what he is asked by my partner, he simply give up on him as he has t met my partners ' expectations'.
I have a half day today so when I get a chance later, I am going to block him on every available platform do that he cannot ever contact me or my kids again.
He meant well, to his mind ,our parenting styles were incompatible and even he himself could see that because we were miles apart on what was best for my youngest in particular, the long term outcome would be damaging to my child .
I never asked him to be a father figure. He only saw them now and again as I separated that part of my life but when I wanted to rant and share my thought, he always had an opinion or advice that I simply didn't ask for.
That's the spirit. Honestly you and the kids will feel great for it x
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2022 13:10
I absolutely agree that you should get rid and pronto.
I do think you should tell him so explicitly before blocking. Doesn’t have to be in any detail or rude, just to be clear it’s over. Both for common decency and for your own peace of mind and closure (more the latter tbh)
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