AIBU?
To tell him to do one or is he being fair?
louissyrup · 20/09/2022 11:07
My partner of two years has an old fashioned idea about parenting.
A bit like my own father in the 80's.... when asked to do something, you did it immediately for fear of being disciplined.
He has 'expectations' that need to be met he says.
I have two children with special needs.
They are both quite emotionally dependant on me and are very anxious.
One has Asperger's the other has general
Anxiety disorder.
The child with Asperger's is 14 and the youngest is 12.
My childrens father left abruptly one morning three and a half years ago for a colleague.
The children and I were completely shocked and distraught.
Their symptoms of their extra needs exacerbated.
I got Drs , schools and therapists involved .
They're doing ok but a long way to go before either of them trust again.
My youngest is afraid that I'm going to leave and shadows me all day long when I'm not working.
My children have a very poor relationship with their Dad as he isn't hugely interested and they really can't forgive him.
I do not not have no spoken badly about him to them.
So back to my AIBU.... my partner has a huge issue with the way my children treat me.
He cannot cope with my children not doing what they're told immediately.
He treats one of them in particular, the youngest one very strictly. I've heard him being sarcastic and cold towards him.
Partner doesn't live with us so interaction is limited..
He cannot understand why their rooms aren't spotless and their spaces spick and span at all times. Thinks I should cut off money and phones until their rooms are spotless every day.
Says it upsets him to hear the way my youngest speaks to me at times.
He thinks my youngest has no interest in a relationship with him. Sometimes I wonder if my youngest is afraid of him.
My youngest has huge anger and aggression , I believe from modelling his fathers behaviour towards me but t also unable to manage these huge emotions.
Sometimes he says nasty things but apologises straight after . We are working on this through therapy and school.
He is also awaiting CAMHS.
He is doing ok.
In the midst of a row recently, his exact words were ....,' If you asked me to go away for a break woth your kids right now, the answer would be a firm NO'
I was terribly hurt.
He said he couldn't bear them
Calling me for this and that and
Not keeping their areas spotless.
Im a single mom , working full time, useless exh and have a partner who doesn't contribute to my life domestically( my choice)
He doesn't seem to understand children with special or additional needs . Thinks my youngest especially is playing me for a fool and doesn't believe all of the crying, continuous shadowing, phone calls and texts are symptoms of anxiety but a need to control me and my partner really resents him. I can see it although he denies it .
AIBU or is he ?
louissyrup · 20/09/2022 14:15
I haven't spoken to him since he said that about my children.
He was showing elements of trying to control me recently in our relationship and becoming furious when I wasn't playing ball.
His style is to ignore and wait for partners to return and beg. They have on the past.
I won't be and never intended to.
I may send him some correspondence but I will bite my lip not to advise him to leave ladies with children alone.
Go for one with no kids or grown up kids.
The relief I feel already is huge and it's only been a few days.
I feel light and free.
He is currently sulking waiting for the call.
Which will never come.
GreenManalishi · 20/09/2022 14:28
He treats one of them in particular, the youngest one very strictly. I've heard him being sarcastic and cold towards him.
I didn't need to read any further. This is enough. You have a responsibility to your children to keep them safe, both physically and emotionally. You are not doing this by allowing this man to live in their house and treat them like this.
Give your head a shake. He is making your childrens life worse by far than it would be if he were not around. Any person you add into your childrens life should enhance it not ruin it. You seem to have a lot of bad feeling towards your EXH behavour but this man doesn't sound like a shining light in their life either.
Get him away from your children, if you do not they may never forgive you for putting them through this.
yougotthelook · 20/09/2022 14:37
louissyrup · 20/09/2022 14:15
I haven't spoken to him since he said that about my children.
He was showing elements of trying to control me recently in our relationship and becoming furious when I wasn't playing ball.
His style is to ignore and wait for partners to return and beg. They have on the past.
I won't be and never intended to.
I may send him some correspondence but I will bite my lip not to advise him to leave ladies with children alone.
Go for one with no kids or grown up kids.
The relief I feel already is huge and it's only been a few days.
I feel light and free.
He is currently sulking waiting for the call.
Which will never come.
I binned a very similar sounding man 2 months ago OP.
He was constantly trying to tell me how to parent my DD, but believe me he DEFINITELY hasn't done that great a job with his own DD!
Oh the relief...to never have to hear his fucking self righteous fucking "advice" ever again!!!
Plus my dd is soooo happy he's out my life! (Bit older she's 17 and can't stand him)
And...I made the decision after posting on here as well!
Sending much love ❤️
Natty13 · 20/09/2022 14:43
I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but I am literally so proud of you. Esp this
His style is to ignore and wait for partners to return and beg. They have on the past.
I won't be and never intended to
Your kids are so lucky to have such a strong role model 💖
louissyrup · 21/09/2022 10:40
I've really been reflecting on his behaviours and my own for the past 24 hours.
He came from a place where he felt he was ' helping'.
So for example he was helping one of my children to develop a skill in sport.
He told my child he needed to run a lap every day , do press ups every day and give up ice cream.
When my child didn't do exactly as he asked , when he visited and asked , he would decide not to give him the time because he didn't meet his side of the agreement and meet his expectations. My child was 11and struggling mentally.
He meant well but if they didn't follow his instructions , he would not continue to help them.
As far as their bedroom s etc were concerned , he offered to help them sort their rooms as a one off but wanted their rooms spotless from there on in or else felt I should with hold pocket money .
Otherwise he wouldn't help. He had a huge issue with them not picking up after themselves , as do I, but it want his business and not his home .
Overall it seems he was trying to control my home and my parenting and me I think.
He absolutely hated being called out when being mildly sarcastic or if I over rode a decision of his regarding my children, however small.
My kids disorganisation drives me nuts don't get me wrong but I have to live with that and try to improve t, that's MY job, not his .
Thinking back on some of his exchanges with my youngest, he simply just wasn't a nice man.
He's left me thinking I'm inept as a mother and my children are not the lovely and beautiful children I was blessed to have.
Bottom line and important to bring forward to the future .
This man has little or no contact with one of his own children who has special needs and when I recently asked him if he wasn't crushed not to see him regularly anymore, he said ... ' you get used to it'...
That was enough for me.
His older kids have zero interest in him only when looking for money and collection from work/ friends.
louissyrup · 21/09/2022 12:14
@Vapeyvapevape I didn't see him as nasty to my children at that time , I saw him as trying to help until he got irritated and angry when I did not change my parenting ways for him and ignored his suggestions.
Basically when my kids and I wouldn't march to the beat of his drum.
OhDeniseReally · 22/09/2022 11:21
Get rid of your partner OP he sounds awful! If you stay with him your children could suffer emotional harm from the way he treats you and them. I know because it has happened to me. Get rid of him, your priority is your children and their emotional and physical wellbeing.
KarenOLantern · 22/09/2022 11:30
You have 100% done the right thing by ditching him, OP.
He is absolutely not what your kids need, and your kids are and should be your complete priority. He was massively overstepping with your kids, it wasn't his place to try and discipline them.
Also this: This man has little or no contact with one of his own children who has special needs and when I recently asked him if he wasn't crushed not to see him regularly anymore, he said ... ' you get used to it'...
I find awful. Major red flag. Not the sign of a nice person.
Good for you!!
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