This doesn’t feel natural

[PoorPaddington]

Dropping Dd, 4 at pre school and her crying and wanting to be home with me and me making her go, when she could be at hone with me.
Why doesn’t this feel natural? Do we make our little ones part too soon from us?
Please someone remind me of the benefits of this and why I’m doing it if I don’t have to 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don't have to (if you have the option of keeping your child at home).
i eased mine in early at 3 with two days a week at nursery
then Three days a week at reception till they were five And four for the last term
worked well for us
no tears as at each stage the kids were really
ready to go

I wanted to home school but both kids were adamant, even at four, that they wanted to go to school so I didn't. On our off days we wandered had adventures met up with some kids from the home schooling group. It was really fun for all of us.

@Staters it's incredibly bizarre that your husband has never been alone with his own child in 4.5 years..

I could have written this! 100% agree. The business of having them only with us (parents) or only away from us with other people isn’t natural. There is no solution, given how society is set up. My LO is ok gking in but would rather stay with me and it feels so unnatural. I’m not going to home school as I’m too selfish (??) and would find it so hard and I’m mot sure it’s quite the answer either. Not for everyone anyway. I agree it’s just so sad for those children who find it tough. If I had a summer baby I would defer their start

Nursery is flexible in how long she's there for and how may day's, some do half days. School however is not. I think it's worse to throw a child into full time school having never been away from parents and never been given the skills to learn how to make friends and navigate a school like setting.

I say this having worked in recpetion and you can tell massively those who have and haven't been to nursery. They take far longer to settle in, and generally are more tearful and don't settle for longer. Can also be harder for them to then make friend's due to this.

Just an observation, every child is individual. I also had a child who used to sob when I left him so I do know how it feels.

Some kids do find it harder. Your child will also be of the ‘covid generation’ that is likely to find things even harder as the few years above has as well. My youngest will be the same year as yours and teachers for her activities have said this cohort is behind socially. I think nursery is vitally important to this group of children to support school readiness.

Both of mine loved and benefited from nursery - it was like a second home and they made strong friendships. I also think activities where they had to be independent helped with starting school for my eldest and will help my youngest (who finds separating harder). My 3yo will now happily go into her ballet class without me but last term couldn’t do it and cried so I had to stay and do more of a gradual retreat over weeks and weeks. She needed time to feel secure.

I home ed. I wasn't planning to. But when it got to that September, he was 4 and no way were we ready to be parted.
I love home ed, if you have the circumstances you can try it.
Remember, millions of children have sobbed on the gates of school for decades and got used to it after a while, so she will too, in time.

I think kids are all different...mine were so ready for nursery and school, they always loved playgroups from baby age and would have been bored at home with me. But others are the opposite. I remember my cousin had bad anxiety at an older age and would refuse to go, try and run away, and her parents just forced her. She ended up developing a phobia and gave up uni after a few weeks because of it.

I think there is a degree of letting them be upset for a second and get over it, but if they are genuinely upset and not ready, don't force it.

I think if you watch how animals start encouraging independence as their babies get bigger and it's time to move on it is natural though.

I'm always surprised how vicious the gentle little budgies are when they want the chicks to start eating on their own rather expecting to be fed by parents.
In fact mum has just been moved out of the cage for that reason.

Ask the staff what she is like in preschool. Is she having fun? Are there photos of her playing happily? Ds used to tell me he only ever played at the sand table but preschool nursery had lots of photos of him having a ball playing in the pretend cafe, riding round on trikes, listening to a story with everyone else.

There are huge benefits to going to a preschool. I am a sahm and I sent mine for mornings at 3 years old. But I also made sure that they spent time alone with Dh from day 1 and left the room lots so they could spend time with their grandparents so it wasn't all just Mum.

You're going to have to do it at some point though aren't you? They can't live in your pocket forever. Meeting different people and working with and learning to listen to different people is what will help make your child well rounded as they grow.
Did they not attend nursery or anything? If they've never been to a childcare setting before then yes I imagine this is a shock!

If you don't need to work don't send them.
Most of the lauded positives are there to make working parents feel less guilty.

It will look even more crazy when you look back when they are teens. The enforced attendance at school is for two reasons, economic and to help protect the vulnerable, if you are neither then your child is being sacrificed for the greater good.

I think it depends how she is when she's there, and what she's getting from it. My daughter cries blue murder as soon as she sees the gates to her kindergarten, but settles as soon as she sees her key worker, and is clearly getting a lot from being there.

It's harder if you're not seeing any benefits or if your daughter is upset all day.

That is a level of intensity I cannot relate to.

Will you go back to work?

Same. One went in fine. One struggled a but. They're all individuals.

Have a break from nursery. Plan to do the summer term instead. She'll be a bit older and wiser. Six months is a long time.

I don't know why you're doing it if you do t have to.

You don't have to, take her out. Mine didn't do pre school and loves school. Obvs they can still be the same next year but much easier to explain when you're coming back etc at 4/5 than 3

Ds went to nursery school just turned 3, it's only 2.5 hours per day, he cried going in but the teacher said he was happy and playing with the other children within 5 mins. By the end if the year he was crying at pick up because he wanted to stay and play. He started reception a few days after turning 4 and i was worried about how he would cope with full length days but he was fine and enjoyed going to school. He's year 1 now which he doesn't like as much because there's more sitting down and less play but he still seems to most like it. He was desperate to be around other children after the isolation of Covid lockdowns and restrictions, I wish he could have been allowed to start reception age 5 and had longer in nursery school. It definitely helped his socialisation and his ability to listen and follow rules. Your daughter will hopefully be ok after a few weeks of settling in, have a chat with her teacher if you are concerned about how upset she is going to school, hopefully once she's in class she happily plays like my ds did and its just a drop off issue.

Those people saying “take her out”, don’t you think you’re just delaying the inevitable point where a child starts to find its independence?

I understand some children mature faster than others so there may be a value in waiting a few more months but how can it benefit a child to keep delaying the point at which you start to learn how to rub alongside other people?

I just worry that this approach is actively encouraging children to fear life outside the family bubble, fear change and fail to learn to process difficult emotions without their parents. I don’t think it’s healthy. The later you leave this the harder it gets. I home there are a lot of home Ed enthusiasts on here but let’s be honest, this isn’t an option for most of us.

I remember the days of watching my child cry when she went off to childcare it’s heartbreaking but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing to do.

This.
My mother still talks about taking me to school at 5. I cried because I hated it and my brother cried because he wanted to go and was too young. I would have very happily stayed at home. My father had been a teacher so everything we did at school we also had at home. What we didn't have was learning to be independent, learning to think for yourself and speak for yourself. I was NT but very, very shy. Being with other children is very important. Learning to cope with different situations is crucial. Nursery and Reception classes are set up for this.

I agree with this.

But societal trends just don’t support it - people are having children much later now, so the grandparents are too old to help with childcare or be very involved. We also tend to move away from where we grew up, so we lose the nearby family network.

It’s easy to see why postnatal depression is so common.

The later you leave this the harder it gets.

Not true. As many of us have experienced. This is what people say when they're feeling guilty about using childcare and want you to feel guilty too.

I do wonder how much of it is the child not being ready rather than the parent themselves. Some parents on here sound distraught to be separated from their child even for a few hours, and don’t know what to do with themselves when the kid goes. I wonder if it rubs off on the child to make it all feel like a ‘bad thing’. A job would help distract them I suppose.

Should I feel guilty about using childcare then? I'm a lone parent so had no alternative. But presumably I should also feel guilty because, yeah.

Do you believe the only reason parents are encouraged to take their children to nursery and preschool settings is because they are "feeling guilty about using childcare and want you to feel guilty too"?

What's your rationale for believing this? In the face of overwhelming evidence that children do benefit from some socialisation away from the family. Or was this just a stealth dig at working mums?

I wonder whether it’s preschool itself she’s struggling with, or the transition part (having to leave the house and go). If she’s happy when she’s there and talks positively about it I’d be inclined to persevere and focus on supporting her through the drop off. If she doesn’t settle while she’s there I might consider taking her out or finding a different setting, if you have that option.

Mine have all been in nursery since a year old (and that feels extremely unnatural, handing over your baby) and by pre-school they really benefit from the range of activities, making friends, growing independence etc. My eldest started school just after her 4th birthday and loves it. But different personalities will find it easier/harder, and sometimes it’s about their maturity/they’ll grow into it and sometimes it’s just how it is - not everyone loves school!

No guilt at all here. When everything was ‘natural’, babies would have many many siblings close to themselves in age - perhaps 18 months between them in many cases. They would also have local relatives or even relatives living with them who would pitch in. So babies and toddlers were used to busy, thriving households with plenty of little buddies to play with a numerous trusted carers. I haven’t popped out 5 kids so nursery is the next best thing.

It’s comparatively unnatural for a child to spend all their time with one other adult, just the two of them, if you think about it like that.