This doesn’t feel natural

[PoorPaddington]

Dropping Dd, 4 at pre school and her crying and wanting to be home with me and me making her go, when she could be at hone with me.
Why doesn’t this feel natural? Do we make our little ones part too soon from us?
Please someone remind me of the benefits of this and why I’m doing it if I don’t have to 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's only 6 hours a day!

As a preschool teacher, I promise you, she will benefit from it.

I had one a few years ago who was incredibly sheltered. Mum and Dad pretty muh never took her out of the house (and this was pre-Covid). Poor sweet girl was terrified of everything. She couldn't settle unless she had an adult right next to her, the existence of the school cleaning staff reduced her to tears, she would cry for the full three hours that she was with us for the first two months. She had never before been in a situation where she wasn't the most important person in the room; it was a huge shock to her system.

But step by step, she adjusted. She started to make friends for the first time ever, and she loved them. She started to love me and the other classroom staff. She discovered hobbies and interests she'd never been exposed to before and started approaching people to make social overtures. The tears dried up, she started smiling, and now that scared little girl is a social butterfly and one of the top students in her year. She's DELIGHTFUL.

Kids need social engagement with other kids. They need to stretch their wings and find out who they are away from the safe nest of their families and their homes. They need to learn how brave they can be and that although the world is big it's also thrilling nd filled with all kinds of people who they can love.

She can DO this, OP. She can thrive in this new challenge.

My 3 year old was like this in nursery but when she was 4 went to reception happily.

1. build a relationship with her teacher
2. ask about her school day
3. buy treats and small toys as a reward. Or after school give her some snacks that she likes
4. tell her you really miss her when she goes to school and you feel the same as her but mummy needs to be brave because her beautiful daughter needs to go to school and learn so that she can get a job and have money. Money equals whatever she wants to buy including toys etc. make school sound appealing.
5. ask her what she had for snack and lunch in school. Act jealous and say omg did you really have all that. That sounds delicious I wish I had some.
6. tell her you felt the same when you used to go to school. I told my daughter how mean my teachers were at school and how wonderful her teachers are and she stayed positive.
7. doll her up for school. Get new clips for her, new bobbles etc. I don't really mean doll her up like she's going to a party but her make her feel good. I used to get clips for 50p or a pound from home bargains and Poundland and my daughter loved stuff like that.
8. the main thing that helped was using their school online system where you could log things they did at home so I used to post things quite regularly. Things she did at home that amazed me. Things she said about school, new songs, facts she came out with.
9. ask her teacher about reading online. My daughter had bug club online and she would love reading new books each day and they showing off her skills in school.
10. gave sweets quite regularly (birthdays, Christmas, birth of baby etc) in class to build a relationship with the other children. Kids used to come to her and say ohh thank you. Teachers used to say dd has brought some treats for the class. Also made her write Christmas cards for her classmates. Just did fun activities she could show in school and talk about. Even if it means drawing a picture and showing school. They get happy.

Apologies I know some people may have a problem with my advice but these are the things that worked.

It doesn't feel natural because if not which is why I home educate all of mine.

Another one here who home educates because DS was becoming really anxious when he started school at 4.
We do lots of clubs and meet ups so ds has gone on to become socially confident and is starting high school soon. I've never looked back.

My nearly-two year old runs into nursery every morning with great enthusiasm and has done ever since she could walk. Before that she eagerly reached over to be handed to the staff. She was nine months old when she first went and cried at handover for three days, that's it.

She's recently moved from the older baby room to the toddler room and the effect on her speech has been almost instantaneous - she's picked up so many words in the last few weeks.

A child that is happy and well settled in nursery/ preschool benefits whatever their age from interaction with other children, interaction with a wide range of adults, variety in activities and foods that's difficult to replicate at home and, importantly, an understanding that they don't need mummy to be safe. If all is well it builds confidence hugely.

Of course not every child suits every nursery and the wrong fit may have detrimental results.

It's not that straightforward to simply home educate though, is it.

Firstly, both parents need to be on board.

Secondly, one parent cannot work (or can only work VERY part time / flexibly).

Thirdly, it costs more than school so it's not affordable for all: groups, activities, food etc. Children's at school get free lunch for first three years.

Fourth, unless you happen to have other home edders near you, you need to be able to drive or have good public transport in order to meet up. Which again costs money.

Fifth, lots of parents don't feel willing or able to home educate for many other reasons.

While I applaud home edders for following their own path, it really isn't as simple as "well just home educate if you don't like school" for many families.

What we really need is an overhaul of the education system - and perhaps society as a whole.

I'm with you op .

I wanted to defer my dd going for another year as she was youngest in class . She just wasn't ready and I KNEW it ! In the end she was kept back a year . Then Thrived . Wish I'd just gone with my gut .

I used to work at a work nursery and we had kids up to the age of, if I remember, 4. There was one of the older boys who cried so hard when he arrived, clung to his mother who had to virtually prise him off her - it was heartbreaking to watch - but within 5 mins, he was happily playing and living his best life. That is until hometime when Mum would have to literally prise him away from a member of staff to take him home again...

It may be different in your country, but research in the US shows the benefits of attending pre-school include increased reading, math and social skills in the short term and greater chance of graduating high school and college in the long term.

It may not feel natural. There’s a strong argument it isn’t. But human life isn’t natural and hasn’t been for millennia. To thrive in society in the 21st century, your DD needs skills that can’t be developed as well in a home setting (though she also needs the skills you can help her develop at home).

Personally for me, pre school was an absolute waste of money and time and if I didn't have to work I'd never have put my nipper in - she was no further advanced than any other reception child because of it but at the time was constantly tired, grumpy and ill. So glad those days are gone! I don't think YABU.

They’re too young at 4 for school. But that’s the uk for you!

If you have the confidence, OP, you could keep her out until year 1? I know some people who did that. It worked great. But they had to rely on a space becoming available in the school in year 1. (Obviously it did!)

Oh sorry missed this. It’s preschool and not school!

well if she’s not happy, just take her out. Bring her to playgroups with you. Or find her another playgroup she actually likes!

We changed pre school because of a move and it’s made a massive difference. He’s so happy, relaxed and learning so much more.

It’s a shorter day which is difficult for work but seems easier on him.

coolie my DS was the same ... went to nursery/pre-school (2 different settings) from two and a half and loved every minute of it , never looked back once. He didn't 'need' to go to nursery as I was a SAHM but he really enjoyed all the activities and opportunities... I was the parent asking for extra sessions. He's always been very independent and confident about 'trying new things' ... he's 21 now and seems to have developed perfectly OK ... all DC are different. My friend's DC, same age, was the exact opposite, hated being away from mum as well ... but he's also a totally happy and confident 21 year old now.

Don't do it if it feels unnatural. My grandson (just born a few hours ago) is going to be home schooled and how I would have loved that myself. So much time is spent at school doing rubbish things. Now they telling them the doctor only guessed their gender when they were born!!

I disagree. I started school at age 7 and I was thrilled. Higged my mum goodbye and ran into the school.

4 years old is way too soon to start school.

Have you asked the staff what’s she’s like once you’re gone? A lot of children soon forget their mums as soon as they’re distracted by the toys. It may just be the parting that she finds difficult. And she’s getting lots of attention from you. She’s just maybe finding her way through this

My 3 year old swans in to nursery every morning like she owns the place. It’s lovely to hear her ‘news’ when she comes home, usually about which kids are in trouble for pushing/shoving and who she played with that day (she’s a bit of a tattle tale at the moment). She really enjoys telling me things

The benefit is that it socialises them and teaches them to make friends. Not many pre school age kids have lots of siblings around the house like they did years ago, so it makes up for that - it teaches them how to play, how to feel happy and comfortable alongside their peers, plus gives them interesting things to do rather than just the park or CBeebies. DD does a lot of crafts, ‘baking’, outdoor play, singing, dress up etc and absolutely loves it. She comes home very proud to show off her drawings.

Home schooling etc just kicks the can down the road and keeps them in a bubble. It’ll be even harder for them to settle if they returned to school later at any point.

Most of the things we do in modern life aren't 'natural'. I know it's tough but unless you're planning on having her at home for the foreseeable future she does need to get used to it. Do not make a fuss of her at drop off. Walk/carry her in, hand her to a member of staff, quick kiss and see you later, and walk away.

It’s awful I know, but some children take longer to settle, my DS1 suffered with separation anxiety very badly, he wanted to be with me all the time. I carried on with a local playgroup, thinking if I could get him settled there it would be easier for him going to school, the playgroup had strong links with the school so he had met the teachers for story time, used the bikes and trikes etc. Whilst he didn’t cry, he was constantly coming back to me, asking what time I was coming back to collect him etc. It’s so hard to deal with. No answers, but empathy.

I don't agree with those saying 4 is too young. It might be for some, but not for all. Every kid is different.

I live abroad and kids here start school at 3. My middle child turned 3 at the end of June and started school in the last week of August. He is thriving - the increase in his confidence, his speech, his fine and gross motor skills has been incredible to see.

You have the same imaginings as I do.