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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH useless or aibu ?

57 replies

theRagee · 19/09/2022 19:41

I'm very very unwell today and last night too.

I asked my DH to take care of the kids ( toddler and baby ). He had the baby in the night while I tried to sleep. I heard baby crying a lot and DH was just not sorting it out quick enough. He was trying to get the baby to sleep using white noise etc, rather than just getting a bottle. So I had to keep intervening to help him sort it out. He also lost his temper a bit with the whole situation. So the night was difficult.

I'm still feeling absolutely rough today and have heard the baby screaming all day literally. DH just can't work out how to look after the baby properly.

The house is an absolute mess. Like a tornado went off. The baby is wet, because DH can't be bothered to put a bib on for feeds.

I'm in a rage. A few times he's just left me with both children to go off and chill. When I'm so poorly and can barely walk around. I just need to lie down and that's it. The house is such a mess, I could cry.

DH is really stressed, fed up and short tempered. After one day of looking after his children. I find it absolutely pathetic. Or is this me expecting him to do things the way I do them and expecting too much ?

OP posts:
Original poster
theRagee · 19/09/2022 19:43

Also I forgot to mention I need to keep reminding him to feed the children and check their nappies, put the baby down for a nap etc.

OP posts:
Boxofsockss · 19/09/2022 19:44

YABU. He probably feels useless as it is without you making it worse when he can’t settle the baby. Try to support him.

Original poster
theRagee · 19/09/2022 19:45

Boxofsockss · 19/09/2022 19:44

YABU. He probably feels useless as it is without you making it worse when he can’t settle the baby. Try to support him.

That's what I did though. I did support. Nearly passed out helping him get the bottles ready.

OP posts:
RockAndRollerskate · 19/09/2022 19:46

I think it depends. How hands on is he normally?

if you have a habit of taking over or not making sure he’s doing the general stuff on a day to day then he’s not going to manage as well as you as he’s not had the practice?

That said, it’s no excuse not to check nappies and put dry clothing on.

DenholmElliot1 · 19/09/2022 19:46

YANBU.

RockAndRollerskate · 19/09/2022 19:47

I’m not blaming you however, but as mothers, particularly when we’ve been on mat leave, it’s autopilot for us to check nappies etc. If you don’t ensure he’s doing basic stuff day to day then he’ll never pick it up.

DenholmElliot1 · 19/09/2022 19:47

Can your mother help? Whats wrong with you that makes you nearly pass out that sounds serious.

GreenManalishi · 19/09/2022 19:48

Is this the first time he's looked after the children? Is he usually capable or has he never done it before?

Darkness22 · 19/09/2022 19:49

Steep learning curve for him hopefully. If you just stay in bed he will have to figure it out. Don't worry about messy house though. That will be sorted eventually.

frazzledasarock · 19/09/2022 19:50

He sounds utterly pointless.

it doesn’t take a vagina to take care of children.

he obviously needs a lot more practice.

start leaving him with the kids more till he gets good at it.

and stop helping him now, unless he’s putting them in actually danger. And if he does that think seriously about why you’re with such a complete loser.

Topgub · 19/09/2022 19:50

As he never looked after his iwn kids before?

How is that?

And how are folk making excuses for him?! Telling you to support him or ask your mum?

Ffs

Natty13 · 19/09/2022 19:51

I could drop dead tomorrow and my DH would take to single parenthood as if he had done it all along. I'd find it disgusting if he needed to be reminded to change his own kids' nappies frankly. Literally repulsive.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 19/09/2022 19:52

Argh I feel you OP, I've had mastitis these past two weeks and been nearly passing out when I stand up while caring for two under three. Tune out what he's doing, don't check, don't ask him. Not your circus or monkeys. Can you take yourself to bed and wedge the door? And put earplugs in while you try to sleep? Cotton wool or loo roll can block out noise in a pinch.

dammit88 · 19/09/2022 19:53

You sound like you keep interfering - leave him to it.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 19/09/2022 19:53

Being a bit rubbish, if generally speaking you take the lead on parenting, is not him being shit, just the natural consequence of that (although how both you and he allowed such a situation to arise in the first place is a whole other thread). Getting shitty and bad tempered and actually walking off the job, when you are actually I'll and should be on bed, is fucking unreasonable bordering on unforgivable.

Tell him you are going to bed. Go. He will manage, somehow, to care for his own kids, just as he would have to if you suddenly dropped dead (god forbid). Forget about the house. Forget about soggy t-shirts and missed naps. It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM until you are well enough to deal with it. He will muddle through somehow, and then you can deal with the fallout when you are strong enough to do so. Then you can have a serious chat with him about how you two need to work together to urgently upskill him, as he currently doesn't have what it takes to parent properly and that is not sustainable.

luxxlisbon · 19/09/2022 19:53

DenholmElliot1 · 19/09/2022 19:47

Can your mother help? Whats wrong with you that makes you nearly pass out that sounds serious.

Why on earth should it default to her mum when they have a father??

Bestcatmum · 19/09/2022 19:54

Boxofsockss · 19/09/2022 19:44

YABU. He probably feels useless as it is without you making it worse when he can’t settle the baby. Try to support him.

Another mumsnetter with standards so low they are underground.

FadedRed · 19/09/2022 19:54

I was back at work at 3 months post-partum, 12 hour night shifts x2 or 3 per week. DH coped with that because he was not lazy or self-centred, and this was in the days before paternity leave, so often he would be at work during the day. Baby was well cared for. We did this because we had bills to pay. Sometimes I do wonder what is it with these constant threads about useless men.

Alexaplaysomething · 19/09/2022 19:59

This is why when you are well he needs to be doing 50-50 so it's not such a big leap to doing 100 percent when one half of the team is down. Also might mean you are sick less if you have less to do normally. Don't pick up all of the chores/childcare when you are well again, he clearly needs to keep practicing.

audweb · 19/09/2022 20:01

Boxofsockss · 19/09/2022 19:44

YABU. He probably feels useless as it is without you making it worse when he can’t settle the baby. Try to support him.

What? He needs to support her being unwell by looking after his own kids. Weaponised incompetence at its best.

Reluctantadult · 19/09/2022 20:04

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 19/09/2022 19:53

Being a bit rubbish, if generally speaking you take the lead on parenting, is not him being shit, just the natural consequence of that (although how both you and he allowed such a situation to arise in the first place is a whole other thread). Getting shitty and bad tempered and actually walking off the job, when you are actually I'll and should be on bed, is fucking unreasonable bordering on unforgivable.

Tell him you are going to bed. Go. He will manage, somehow, to care for his own kids, just as he would have to if you suddenly dropped dead (god forbid). Forget about the house. Forget about soggy t-shirts and missed naps. It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM until you are well enough to deal with it. He will muddle through somehow, and then you can deal with the fallout when you are strong enough to do so. Then you can have a serious chat with him about how you two need to work together to urgently upskill him, as he currently doesn't have what it takes to parent properly and that is not sustainable.

I totally agree with this.

LL32 · 19/09/2022 20:11

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 19/09/2022 19:53

Being a bit rubbish, if generally speaking you take the lead on parenting, is not him being shit, just the natural consequence of that (although how both you and he allowed such a situation to arise in the first place is a whole other thread). Getting shitty and bad tempered and actually walking off the job, when you are actually I'll and should be on bed, is fucking unreasonable bordering on unforgivable.

Tell him you are going to bed. Go. He will manage, somehow, to care for his own kids, just as he would have to if you suddenly dropped dead (god forbid). Forget about the house. Forget about soggy t-shirts and missed naps. It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM until you are well enough to deal with it. He will muddle through somehow, and then you can deal with the fallout when you are strong enough to do so. Then you can have a serious chat with him about how you two need to work together to urgently upskill him, as he currently doesn't have what it takes to parent properly and that is not sustainable.

Completely agree, as long as he’s not incompetent to the point of danger then let him get on with it

UngratefulDead · 19/09/2022 20:13

YANBU and I say this lying in bed, having been propped up since Saturday with D&V.

2 dcs, 2.5 and 6 months (weaning) and dog. DC has bought me drinks dry toast, boys are clean, dressed, fed, played with, put to bed, dog is walked with the boys in a pram and basic house tasks are done.

He's done the nights and only brought the baby up a few times when he was dealing with a toddler tantrum.

I am on maternity leave and the lead parent but DH makes a point of doing bedtimes/meal times when he can so that he can absolutely parent both of them

Not perfect by any measure but able to cope on his own and realise I need a rest

Boxofsockss · 19/09/2022 20:15

Bestcatmum · 19/09/2022 19:54

Another mumsnetter with standards so low they are underground.

Show quote history

No actually but I can appreciate with the mother being unwell and dad suddenly having the pressure to do everything, it is probably overwhelming for him. Also as mothers we tend to want everything done to OUR standards when actually the way others do it is perfectly fine and won’t cause the children harm. He is probably trying his hardest and feeling like the mom is picking up all of his faults won’t help matters.

xogossipgirlxo · 19/09/2022 20:15

Yanbu. He needs to know how to look after his own children.