DH useless or aibu ?

[theRagee]

I'm very very unwell today and last night too.

I asked my DH to take care of the kids ( toddler and baby ). He had the baby in the night while I tried to sleep. I heard baby crying a lot and DH was just not sorting it out quick enough. He was trying to get the baby to sleep using white noise etc, rather than just getting a bottle. So I had to keep intervening to help him sort it out. He also lost his temper a bit with the whole situation. So the night was difficult.

I'm still feeling absolutely rough today and have heard the baby screaming all day literally. DH just can't work out how to look after the baby properly.

The house is an absolute mess. Like a tornado went off. The baby is wet, because DH can't be bothered to put a bib on for feeds.

I'm in a rage. A few times he's just left me with both children to go off and chill. When I'm so poorly and can barely walk around. I just need to lie down and that's it. The house is such a mess, I could cry.

DH is really stressed, fed up and short tempered. After one day of looking after his children. I find it absolutely pathetic. Or is this me expecting him to do things the way I do them and expecting too much ?

I have to say that if someone asks me to do something, and then proceeds to micromanage the whole time and tell me that I'm doing it wrong, it really grinds my gears. And I'm wondering if there's an element of that here.

It sounds like you are micromanaging too much. Do you have a sister who could help for a few days? If he doesn't have much experience with the day to day, it will be hard for him to remember everything. Try to put yourself in his shoes ! Alternatively, could you write down instructions for feeding times etc and close the door and leave him to it ?

Babies absolutely know who mum is and realise when she's not there. For the first few months of life, they think that

Argh stupid website

For the first few months of life, they think that mother is an extension of themselves and so get very worried when mother isn't there

Well today he's off anyway, so it's over anyway ! Im a bit better today but still resting as much as I can. Older one at nursery.

Regarding the micromanaging, I do take that point. However he asks me how to do every single thing, so I can't help but wonder if he's thought of other things and reminding him.

It's something we need to work on. He has looked after them a bit before, but you forget stuff don't you, unless you do it all the time. I'm just so used to it, as I do it every day.

I think the general mess he seems to create is the thing that gets to me the most. I'm not the cleanest and tidiest person in the world, but the absolute minimum to keep a household from imploding is to put stuff where it belongs, for example not to leave your jumper and shoes just around the house, put the milk away after you've used it, put the butter back in the fridge. He can't do these simple things. It's so frustrating.

Honestly, that's really not been my experience with my children at all. Unless they were able to hide it or something. The separation anxiety / being distressed when she wasn't with me, only started at around 7 months or so for my older one. Before then, she seemed really happy with anyone. This baby seems the same.

Every baby is different. Your eldest seems a bit atypical to be honest. But then you didn’t stick around when you left her.

When I child minded new babies, I knew they’d scream their heads off at first sometimes for hours due to missing their mum. Usually any baby from 4mos old to 18mos old plus the occasional 2-3yr old clingy toddler of they’d never been to nursery or away from a parent before.

But when mum came back for them, I’d not mention it. I’d say the baby was “absolutely fine and settling well” or “good as gold” and so on so the mum wouldn’t worry. Last thing a mum wants is mum guilt for leaving their baby. And honestly that’s just was most babies do, they can’t help it. It’s so utterly normal that they go through this initial phase, it doesn’t mean they’re not being looked after. They’re unhappy because they don’t know you and do know and trust their mum (and dad if he’s been doing equal share since day 1- but your partner has never done anything from what you said). You just soothe them and build a trust bond with them so they’re eventually happy to be with you and not upset when mum isn’t around.

I think it’s important for your partner to know there is this transition period that is very tough and often involves screaming and crying because if you don’t know about it, you doubt yourself and think you’re rubbish with babies and then guess what? He’s going to keep doing nothing and you everything. That’s not sustainable when parents. You need to get to a place of co-parenting.