DH useless or aibu ?

[theRagee]

I'm very very unwell today and last night too.

I asked my DH to take care of the kids ( toddler and baby ). He had the baby in the night while I tried to sleep. I heard baby crying a lot and DH was just not sorting it out quick enough. He was trying to get the baby to sleep using white noise etc, rather than just getting a bottle. So I had to keep intervening to help him sort it out. He also lost his temper a bit with the whole situation. So the night was difficult.

I'm still feeling absolutely rough today and have heard the baby screaming all day literally. DH just can't work out how to look after the baby properly.

The house is an absolute mess. Like a tornado went off. The baby is wet, because DH can't be bothered to put a bib on for feeds.

I'm in a rage. A few times he's just left me with both children to go off and chill. When I'm so poorly and can barely walk around. I just need to lie down and that's it. The house is such a mess, I could cry.

DH is really stressed, fed up and short tempered. After one day of looking after his children. I find it absolutely pathetic. Or is this me expecting him to do things the way I do them and expecting too much ?

Why should her mother help? Because she’s a female? When the other parent is in the house?! Sexism at its best 🤬

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell. You're NBU at all. If you normally do allthestuff he possibly has no clue. Having said that, he SHOULD have a clue and he absolutely should be stepping up. No reason for him to be stomping off in a mood. Get yourself to bed and look after you. The children might be a bit soggier than usual for a bit but it won't hurt them, and afterwards when you feel better perhaps he will understand about Parent.

I totally understand that maybe he can't meet my standards. But he's like an elephant in a China shop.

Always criticising how I do stuff / how I organise stuff.

I spend hours sorting out all the tiny baby laundry and folding it all nicely organised yesterday. If he's looking for something he will just completely mess it up and that makes me so angry because it took me ages to organise. He wouldn't just be careful whilst trying to find a PJ for example, he would just Chuck it all around. So frustrating.

Same when he cooks in the kitchen, he just leaves everything he used out. So it's an instant mess whenever he does anything. Same when he gives the baby a bottle. He'll just leave it wherever he fed the baby. So you come in and there are 4-5 bottles all over the place, without the lids on. The lids are also all over the floor. It just gives me rage. But I understand I need to compromise and can't expect him to do things how I do them. But I find it so childish how he does things. Like a teenager, not like a grown man. It's a massive turn off actually.

It's pretty pathetic. I travel for business with some regularity. My DH doesn't bat an eyelid. He can cook, clean, sort school uniforms, clean and dress them and style hair, prepare lunches and do all arrangements with the school. Talk, advise, converse. A normal parent. Because he's an adult. He chooses to be competent.

He gets quite angry at this trait of men who feign incompetence and put children at risk just because they're too lazy to do basic childrearing tasks which, frankly, should come naturally to a normal, loving parent.

You're not at all unreasonable. It's weaponised incompetence and it comes with implicit threat. Leave the children with me and this is what happens - you will be punished with a messy house and upset, crying babies.

He sounds shit and neglectful.

He does sounds pretty untidy. You remind me of myself. I like everything very organised and clean up as I go etc etc and it can be very frustrating when you’re not in a position to stay on top of things like that and others have no regard for it. I’d say just try to lower your standards a little for now and speak to him about raising his so you can hopefully meet in the middle. (It would piss me of too but I know I’m extra with the cleaning and tidy so I just don’t expect everyone else to be the same)

Yes, of course he should be able to do it, although if he doesn't do it exactly how you would, then that's fine too.

However, now is not the time to have that battle as you are obviously feeling lousy. Get into bed and stay there until you are better. As someone said, as long as he is not dangerous, the kids will be fine. Stop getting up to micro-manage.

When you are better, you should have a proper discussion about future strategies so this does not happen again. It may well involve compromise from you both.

Get well soon x

You're not at all unreasonable. It's weaponised incompetence and it comes with implicit threat. Leave the children with me and this is what happens - you will be punished with a messy house and upset, crying babies.

This exactly. He is doing it so badly because he doesn't think he should be doing it at all. That is your job woman. Close your door and let him at it until you get better and then when things are calm have a serious talk about how things need to change.

Some of the replies are dismal. Ask your mother for help because your husband is a useless fool? Support him from your sickbed because he is overwhelmed by minding his own children? I suspect many women on this site have actually never met a decent man. You do realise not all men are useless and neglectful of their children?

Hubby sounds like a decent dad, don't let him go as he appears to be very open and very honest.

Why on earth would her mother help ?

YANBU at all.

This is so shit it gives me the rage reading it.

He needs to totally dedicate himself to looking after the kids in this situation so that both 1. They are well looked after and 2. You can properly rest and recover. Having both things in mind, including making a priority of ensuring you aren’t worried about the kids or the state of the house whilst trying to rest.

Rather than floating about hoping that if he’s shit enough you’ll come and take over/ help him.

Wtaf? Knock knock it's 2022 calling

You know reading threads in Relationships on MN, you have to accept that this IS 2022. thread after thread of useless men - deliberately useless men.

If your mother isn’t available, any female within a 5 mile radius will do. Just as long as a man doesn’t have to do anything with his very own children or for his very own wife.

Guess who's now unwell... and able to completely chill alone upstairs...

I am starting to believe the mum is just the mum and the mental load is just constantly there.

I doubt he's upstairs worrying about whether the kids are fed and the bottles are being sterilised correctly.

I couldn't even be upstairs yesterday, but had to stay downstairs as toddler kept crying for me. And then like I said, I had to constantly remind him to check nappies, feed, clean bottles, how much powder to use, to cook lunch, where stuff is... I don't think it's just him to blame for that. I'm on maternity leave and he works a lot. On a recent holiday I was also unwell and he did some of the bottle prep etc. so he should have remembered how many scoops of formula, but still. It's our set up at the moment. I take care of the kids. He has never had to do it.

It’s a bit of both, he’s currently useless and YABU by being a crutch for him

He had the baby in the night while I tried to sleep. I heard baby crying a lot and DH was just not sorting it out quick enough. He was trying to get the baby to sleep using white noise etc, rather than just getting a bottle. So I had to keep intervening to help him sort it out.

Stop intervening. It won’t hurt baby to be sorted out less quickly than with you. Just leave him to it. He needs to learn which cries are tired cries and which are hungry cries.

I'm still feeling absolutely rough today and have heard the baby screaming all day literally. DH just can't work out how to look after the baby properly.

Not convinced the baby is crying because DH isn’t looking after him/her “properly”. If you’ve been the one doing all the caring, the baby is probably screaming “not the mama! Not the mama! Alert baby theft alert!” (In baby language) because they miss you and want you. Again, you need to leave DH to it and not think baby crying = he can’t do it, especially if they are not used to each other haven’t bonded yet. I’d always get a transition period of babies I babysat screaming because they didn’t want me, they wanted their parents. It takes several nights/days before they get used to you and accept you as a carer for them.

Completely disagree with the baby crying because he needs me. Baby is tiny. Happy to be looked after by anyone to be honest.

I had to constantly remind him to check nappies, feed, clean bottles, how much powder to use, to cook lunch, where stuff is... I don't think it's just him to blame for that. I'm on maternity leave and he works a lot. On a recent holiday I was also unwell and he did some of the bottle prep etc. so he should have remembered how many scoops of formula, but still. It's our set up at the moment. I take care of the kids. He has never had to do it.

You don’t have to constantly remind him of any of this. Honestly. You don’t. And as for how many scoops of formula, there’s usually a table or chart on the formula he can read can’t he? It’s a learning curve for him, but you don’t need to micro-manage. By staying downstairs and ordering him about you’re just perpetuating the rod you’ve created for your own back by him never having to take care of the kids before this.

Its never too late for him to learn, it’s best to just leave him to figure out his own way.

So how many other people have looked after your baby other than you? And did you stick around within earshot? Because what you’re saying doesn’t make sense. Babies absolutely cry for the primary caregiver until they establish another person as another caregiver. They can tell the difference between people and express a preference from a very young age.

@Discovereads a few people and completely without me around too. I wouldn't mind if my baby generally needs me. I just don't think they do when they're absolutely tiny. The needing mummy stuff comes a bit later I think. At least with my first baby, that was the case. I think as long as he's fed, clean and cared for, he doesn't mind that I'm not there. I've left him at a crèche before, with mother in law for the entire day, with my own mum for the entire day, sis in law.. etc. i wasn't there and he didn't seem to mind at all. As quiet as a mouse apparently. I've also had others look after him for hours at a time / days at a time when I have been there and not involved and he was more than happy.

I could be wrong, but my impression is that he doesn't yet mind if it's me or someone else looking after him. My daughter was the same until she got to 7 months maybe, then she wanted me more. Then when she got to 11 months, that was it. I couldn't leave the room she had such bad separation anxiety. Which she still suffers from today.

This.

He is a selfish waster.

Stop having children with him and stop enabling him.

Do not allow him to rest comfortably after his behaviour.

This is your life until you make it better.

I hope you feel well soon, but your life is always going to be hard when you have children with someone so selfish.

Can your DHs Father help?

What??

He has TWO children. About time he learned how to be a parent!

Take both kids upstairs, preferably when they're crying.
Open the bedroom door and put them in there with him.
While you sort the bottles out...no way would I let the fucker sleep in peace.

YANBU Leave him to it. He will work it out. If you don't, he will always be hopeless.

Men have two arms, two legs and a brain. They are perfectly capable of dealing with things if they need to. Don't intervene, don't tell him he is doing it wrong. Go back to bed and pull the pillow over your ears. He has to learn and they will both survive one day while he works it out.