Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Poorly dad - had no idea

75 replies

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 13:33

I need genuine advice here.

My dad and step-mum live about a 45 minute drive away. As a rule they are very fit and healthy but in their 70s.

They both caught Covid in early August when they were away on holiday. Then I went on holiday with my DP and DCs. On my holiday I fell and broke my collar bone which means I haven’t been able to drive since.

When I got back from my hols, I had a few texts back and forth and my step-mother said my dad was still “feeling really rough” but they were now testing negative. I then spoke to my dad on the phone and he said he was feeling really tired/low energy and I said “not to worry, we were all like that after Covid”.

Then I was back at work (which has been really tricky with a broken collar bone) and there were a few crises with the DCs that needed sorting. We also were away for one of the weekends for a friend’s birthday.

Last night I thought, oh no, it’s been 3 weeks since I spoke to Dad so I sent him a text to see if he fancied catching up today.

I got a response from his wife this morning saying that he is bedridden, has lost nearly 2 stone in weight and is too weak to talk to anyone. I immediately apologised and said that I had no idea he was so poorly. My DP said he’d drive me to theirs this afternoon but she said no. She then said they are both really upset and angry with me for not checking in and that my step-sister, neighbours and friends have been checking in every day.

I’ve apologised again, explained about my arm and what’s been happening with the kids and offered to come after work tomorrow. I’ve not had a response.

So, AIBU?

YABU - they have every right to be annoyed.
YANBU - DSM should have told you he was so ill.

OP posts:

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 19/09/2022 13:36

She is point scoring. She should have told you. For some reason some people do this. We didn't know our grandad was very ill, hospitalised for a week. So, despite having rung and chatted, mum and aunt did not get to see him before he died.

Make sure you contact him directly. Don't let her gatekeep him

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 19/09/2022 13:36

Sorry to hear about your Dad, but you have your own life and they should understand that, communication works both ways!

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 13:37

That’s the worst thing - she’s replying on his behalf (on his phone) so I can’t speak to him directly. Maybe I should just turn up tomorrow?

OP posts:

SpidaMama · 19/09/2022 13:37

Sorry but 3 weeks is a long time not to check in with your Dad, even normally, but especially if he's had covid. I would be disappointed and sad too if you were my child.

Having said that if they text to say he had gone downhill I'm sure you would have made more contact to keep updated

So you're both unreasonable really for not communicating well.

LongLivedQueen · 19/09/2022 13:38

Tell the phone works two ways and you're really upset and angry at her for not letting you know your father was so ill. Push it back on her.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 19/09/2022 13:39

Go today, I’m sure your Dad will be happy to see you x

Hadjab · 19/09/2022 13:41

Such a British way of ‘doing’ family. There’s absolutely no way I could go three weeks without communicating with my mum, and not know that she’s ill.

Newjobformoremoney · 19/09/2022 13:41

I can only speak from my personal situation but knowing my parents were sick I would never not check in on them for three weeks. Even if they were well three weeks is a really long time!
they might feel like you were minimising the situation when you said everyone feels like this post covid.
Also it seems you are messaging not calling? Pick up the phone and say you’re coming over tomorrow. Bring flowers and apologies.
I strongly suspect that if you ask your DSM she feels events played out very differently. Try and see if from both sides.

Sunnyqueen · 19/09/2022 13:43

It's a bit of both of you to be honest, she should have let you know but you equally should have checked in. It takes 30 seconds to send a text but you have to prioritise doing it.
I definitely wouldn't listen to her and would just go and turn up anyway 100 percent.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/09/2022 13:45

You should have been in touch to see how your father was doing, given his age and the fact you knew he had been unwell with COVID

However his wife should absolutely have let you know the situation has changed and his health has deteriorated. She deliberately did not do so, which is much worse than getting busy and forgetting.

I wonder what the situation really is. Is he angry or unwell? Is she making trouble? I would make every effort to see him, and I would be asking both of them why they had chosen not to call me.

GroggyLegs · 19/09/2022 13:45

You understand the dynamic of your family.

I'm the same. I love my parents but we can go a week or two without speaking as we all have busy lives. Other people on here will find that unacceptable and odd.

YANBU would be upset if my Dad was so ill, my mum hadn't mentioned it & was now cross with me for simply acting as we normally would.

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 13:45

Hadjab · 19/09/2022 13:41

Such a British way of ‘doing’ family. There’s absolutely no way I could go three weeks without communicating with my mum, and not know that she’s ill.

I talk to my mum every day but my dad and I don’t have that kind of relationship.

For example, I wouldn’t expect him to have called me to see how I was getting on with my broken collar bone but my mum checks in regularly to see how I’m feeling.

They live near his wife’s children and see them most days. I last saw my dad when I bought him dinner as a belated Father’s Day treat in June. We both said “let’s do this more often” but then neither of us made arrangements.

OP posts:

SilverTotoro · 19/09/2022 13:45

Definitely turn up. She absolutely should have let you know your dad’s condition had deteriorated.

sayanythingelse · 19/09/2022 13:45

My mum does this my dad who has cancer and it's infuriating. They live nearly 2 hours away, so we don't get to visit too often. Recently she's started doing the opposite and telling me he's really ill, only to rush there and find out he's absolutely fine and has been painting the house or redoing the garden.

Unfortunately, I don't have any resolution for you but you have my sympathy. I often worry that I will miss his last days because I haven't been accurately told the situation.

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 13:49

I have been specifically told not to call. My step mum says she doesn’t have time to talk to me and my dad is “too weak to talk”.

OP posts:

3214StrangeDay · 19/09/2022 13:49

From my experience

When some people are stressed whether that is due to an unforseen event, accident, illness or grief, they can sometimes act very strangely, odd, weird & totally out of character.

There is no reason why your DM could not have contacted you, however they are under stress, so they are not acting normally

Suggest ask what you can do to help when you go to visit

Winceybincey · 19/09/2022 13:50

Go there op. He’s your dad and he can’t speak for himself. Ignore her, she’s causing trouble for you both here and if he takes a turn for the worst you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. Just go.

user6363 · 19/09/2022 13:52

I would never not speak to my parents for that long but I appreciate that’s normal for some families. YANBU as it sounds like she has deliberately withheld the information from you to spite you - and who the fuck even benefits from that? She certainly doesn’t have your dad’s best interests in heart.

RudsyFarmer · 19/09/2022 13:54

She’s being a bitch and ‘gatekeeping’ your Dad. You go and see him if you want to. I’d bloody camp out at the front door until I could check he was okay. Who’s to say she’s doing a good job caring for him?!!! She sounds awful.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 19/09/2022 13:55

I would go and visit him asap.

also just checking in case has he had a thorough medical check? Rapid weight loss should always be checked out.

Elieza · 19/09/2022 13:57

I’d get my arse round there pronto.

If she says anything just say that I’m so worried about my dad as I had no idea things were this bad. I just had to come. I want to see my dad.

Any aggro and refer to broken neck bone and that time just got away from you and we shouldn’t let that happen again.

I think she’s just angry at covid but blaming you. She may have had extra work to do for him and would have appreciated some help so she’s pissed you didn’t step up. Even though you didn’t know. And couldn’t help with a bust neck anyway.

I phone my elderly parent on a daily basis. Which is a pain sometimes but when they are old they can go downhill pretty quick.

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 19/09/2022 13:59

For god's sake. Sometimes life gets in the way, people have their own shit going on, and don't necessarily think to check in on someone who, last they heard, had been feeling rough and tired after catching a bug that makes people feel rough and tired. You can't not tell people what's going on, then get pissy at them for not reacting appropriately to what's going on.

jackstini · 19/09/2022 14:00

Ask to talk on the phone and if she doesn't let you, then go and see him

Agree you shouldn't have left it that long but equally I would be angry that she has not called and told you he'd lost 2 stone!

He needs a check up asap; sudden severe weight loss can be a sign of serious health issues

Don't leave it. You could end up being too late

justasking111 · 19/09/2022 14:04

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 13:49

I have been specifically told not to call. My step mum says she doesn’t have time to talk to me and my dad is “too weak to talk”.

Two stone in a few weeks then he's either dying or in desperate need of hospital care. Just go

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 14:04

Thank you for all the advice.

My friend is going to take me tomorrow after work whether they respond to my message or not. I’d rather not involve my youngest (who is with me right now) and if I go after work, I can leave DP and DC at home.

I wonder if I hadn’t text last night, if she’d have ever told me.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3