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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Poorly dad - had no idea

75 replies

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 13:33

I need genuine advice here.

My dad and step-mum live about a 45 minute drive away. As a rule they are very fit and healthy but in their 70s.

They both caught Covid in early August when they were away on holiday. Then I went on holiday with my DP and DCs. On my holiday I fell and broke my collar bone which means I haven’t been able to drive since.

When I got back from my hols, I had a few texts back and forth and my step-mother said my dad was still “feeling really rough” but they were now testing negative. I then spoke to my dad on the phone and he said he was feeling really tired/low energy and I said “not to worry, we were all like that after Covid”.

Then I was back at work (which has been really tricky with a broken collar bone) and there were a few crises with the DCs that needed sorting. We also were away for one of the weekends for a friend’s birthday.

Last night I thought, oh no, it’s been 3 weeks since I spoke to Dad so I sent him a text to see if he fancied catching up today.

I got a response from his wife this morning saying that he is bedridden, has lost nearly 2 stone in weight and is too weak to talk to anyone. I immediately apologised and said that I had no idea he was so poorly. My DP said he’d drive me to theirs this afternoon but she said no. She then said they are both really upset and angry with me for not checking in and that my step-sister, neighbours and friends have been checking in every day.

I’ve apologised again, explained about my arm and what’s been happening with the kids and offered to come after work tomorrow. I’ve not had a response.

So, AIBU?

YABU - they have every right to be annoyed.
YANBU - DSM should have told you he was so ill.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 15:20

Zingy123 · 19/09/2022 15:18

I can't imagine not contacting my parents for three weeks. They are right to be angry with you. Your post is all me me me.

If you’ve read all my posts and think that, then fair enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 15:21

Yes I could tell it was him as they have a very different “style” of texting.

OP posts:

ValerieDoonican · 19/09/2022 16:02

Well there's obviously lots going on there, much of which you, never mind us, don't really know about.

But I get the infrequent contact thing, I really do. I too had a slightly distant / difficult relationship with my DF - I loved him, but he was a poor communicator and a fundamentally selfish person. I did not get on with his 2nd wife, he resented many things that she did and told me so - though in hindsight, he must have been a nightmare to be married to. So our contact was even sparser than yours with your DF. It happens, and it doesn't mean you don't love each other.

I do however value the chance(s) (can't exactly remember after 15 years) I got to see Dad in his last months (and we didn't know that's what they were at the time, I went as he was unwell with something else). So yes do go and visit. You don't have to stay long, but let them both know you care and if it looks like it would help, tell them you are upset with yourself for not having asked sooner how he was/they were.

No point IMO, in challenging SM on not contacting you? Assuming she is genuineley concerned about DF she is likely to be too stressed to be in a self-reflective place, criticism will probably only put her on the defensive, and she will either resent you for making her feel bad about herself, and/or could entrench a negative view of you as 'difficult'. Maybe just let her know how much you value her messaging you?

deedledeedledum · 19/09/2022 16:28

Zingy123 · 19/09/2022 15:18

I can't imagine not contacting my parents for three weeks. They are right to be angry with you. Your post is all me me me.

If you've read all the OPs posts and have nothing but this ti say then you are a bit strange

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 19/09/2022 16:32

Zingy123 · 19/09/2022 15:18

I can't imagine not contacting my parents for three weeks. They are right to be angry with you. Your post is all me me me.

Can you imagine not contacting your daughter for three weeks? Not telling her that you've become seriously ill, and letting her think you're probably doing fine after having only said that you felt "rough" and "tired" from a virus? Not getting in touch to ask how her broken collarbone is healing what with having to work and looking after kids?

Their relationship isn't the same as your relationship, and within what seems to be normal for them, I can't see that OP has behaved worse than her dad and stepmum.

justasking111 · 19/09/2022 16:36

As you're both teachers the beginning of term is frantic. Will the school give you both time off together tomorrow? Have you checked?

tootiredtospeak · 19/09/2022 16:43

Fuck what you should have or shouldn't have done. You didnt realise you have apologised. He is your Dad go and see him straight away.

Nymeria6 · 19/09/2022 16:45

No they would. I get your POV and agree totally.

BirmaBrite · 19/09/2022 16:53

I don't understand, it all seems really weird, has he been to hospital for lots of tests ? has he lost two stone in weight and is bedridden, too weak to move or speak ? Why would someone say that to you ?

Porcupineintherough · 19/09/2022 17:07

Im not voting because whilst I think you should have contacted them, as a busy mum I can see why time just passed you by.

I think it's easy to forget that, although most people get covid mildly, it can still hit others like a tonne of bricks.

If you want to retain a relationship with your father (difficult as he's been) I'd just go visit.

mathanxiety · 19/09/2022 17:30

YANBU.

She should have called you.
Go and bang on the door until they let you in.

holidaynightmare · 19/09/2022 17:31

I looked after both my parents and to be honest 45 mins distance away isn't like a foreign country is it????

3 weeks!!!! I checked in daily with both mine and continue to do so with my 2 elderly aunts and my Nanna who has outlived my Mum.

I work and have 2 DC too it's a juggling act but I would always make time for all family members and I instill those values in my children and I hope they grow up to be nice and caring people.

Not being able to drive doesn't stop you picking up a phone, or getting a taxi or a bus - I'm not surprised your stepmum is upset to be perfectly honest.

Go and see them tomorrow and take some nice flowers and apologise and spend some time with them.

Stickworm · 19/09/2022 17:34

I understand both points. I have two small children so I know how much they can totally take over your mental space, but I wouldn’t not check in for 3 weeks - it sounds like a genuine mistake on your part though and that you have been a bit burnt out yourself. I would just turn up tomorrow probably (with warning).

Funkyblues101 · 19/09/2022 17:34

Obviously if he's very ill then his wife should have contacted you but, at the same time, I can't believe you didn't contact your dad for 3 weeks! That's a long time for parents/children who have a good relationship.
I hope he recovers.

Cats4life · 19/09/2022 17:38

OP please ignore all these morons saying you should contact your dad more. It would be normal for me to go weeks without talking to my dad, he’s not a bad guy we just don’t have that type of relationship where we are in each other’s pockets and we would never be in daily contact- what the hell would you even talk about multiple times a week. But like you I’m super close to my mum. I’d say most families aren’t that super close either. As far as you knew he was struggling to get over Covid not at deaths door.

his wife is been an arse, there’s a massive difference between having a dose of Covid and the way your dad condition is. Plus you were also injured, working and raising a family- did they bother to contact you to see if you needed help or were in pain etc?!

she maybe needs put in her place but obviously that could develop into a bit of an argument and not worth it. Have you had problems with her before? Would she be supportive to your dad with his anxiety and depression?

YukoandHiro · 19/09/2022 17:38

It is a long time but I totally understand with your own health issues, school holidays, trips away etc.
She is absolutely gatekeeping. I would just turn up there. Does he have a mobile? Can you text him directly to say you'll be there so he knows to expect you?

Cats4life · 19/09/2022 17:41

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 19/09/2022 16:32

Their relationship isn't the same as your relationship, and within what seems to be normal for them, I can't see that OP has behaved worse than her dad and stepmum.

Show quote history

This! Neither party has been in contact but only one is huffing and possibly exaggerating how Ill and annoyed the father was

FrownedUpon · 19/09/2022 17:42

Hadjab · 19/09/2022 13:41

Such a British way of ‘doing’ family. There’s absolutely no way I could go three weeks without communicating with my mum, and not know that she’s ill.

That’s a very prejudiced view. Plenty of us have very close relationships with our family. Keep your stupid views to yourself.

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 17:58

Thanks everyone. All of your views, both supportive and less so have been really helpful.
I sent my dad a really long apology (by text as he won’t pick up the phone). He’s said he categorically doesn’t want any visitors and wants me to respect that. I will take him some treats tomorrow and I will message him every day and go down there with my husband on Saturday regardless.

I will also text my step mother to say that I’m sorry that she’s been dealing with him alone for 3 weeks and that once again, I’m sorry that 18 days have passed since I checked in. I will also check in with her every day.
So, I’m summary, whilst I don’t think I’ve been an arsehole given the relationship we have and the fact I’ve got a broken bone, full on job and my own family…I’m taking the blame on this one and grovelling.

OP posts:

Stickworm · 19/09/2022 18:05

I also don’t understand why your stepsister didn’t message or call you to say how poorly he is? You aren’t a mind reader!

Emelene · 19/09/2022 18:17

If he’s lost so much weight just from anxiety and depression he could be seriously ill. Is there a plan to get him a medical review or psychiatric care? I hope you can get him better OP x

Rowthatboat · 19/09/2022 18:50

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 13:37

That’s the worst thing - she’s replying on his behalf (on his phone) so I can’t speak to him directly. Maybe I should just turn up tomorrow?

I would do this.

justasking111 · 19/09/2022 20:05

Rowthatboat · 19/09/2022 18:50

I would do this.

Show quote history

Anyone can send a text purporting to be from the phone owner. I would go if I were you. Two stone in a few weeks. I'd be phoning his GP surgery for a start.

justasking111 · 20/09/2022 14:36

Hope you went today and got all this sorted out @TheDuchess1979

SleeplessInEngland · 20/09/2022 14:38

Reading threads like this makes me so relieved my parents aren't immature weirdos. So many people's mothers and fathers just haven't grown up.

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