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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Poorly dad - had no idea

75 replies

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 13:33

I need genuine advice here.

My dad and step-mum live about a 45 minute drive away. As a rule they are very fit and healthy but in their 70s.

They both caught Covid in early August when they were away on holiday. Then I went on holiday with my DP and DCs. On my holiday I fell and broke my collar bone which means I haven’t been able to drive since.

When I got back from my hols, I had a few texts back and forth and my step-mother said my dad was still “feeling really rough” but they were now testing negative. I then spoke to my dad on the phone and he said he was feeling really tired/low energy and I said “not to worry, we were all like that after Covid”.

Then I was back at work (which has been really tricky with a broken collar bone) and there were a few crises with the DCs that needed sorting. We also were away for one of the weekends for a friend’s birthday.

Last night I thought, oh no, it’s been 3 weeks since I spoke to Dad so I sent him a text to see if he fancied catching up today.

I got a response from his wife this morning saying that he is bedridden, has lost nearly 2 stone in weight and is too weak to talk to anyone. I immediately apologised and said that I had no idea he was so poorly. My DP said he’d drive me to theirs this afternoon but she said no. She then said they are both really upset and angry with me for not checking in and that my step-sister, neighbours and friends have been checking in every day.

I’ve apologised again, explained about my arm and what’s been happening with the kids and offered to come after work tomorrow. I’ve not had a response.

So, AIBU?

YABU - they have every right to be annoyed.
YANBU - DSM should have told you he was so ill.

OP posts:

CallMeLinda · 19/09/2022 14:05

YANBU, they could have called you surely?

LateAF · 19/09/2022 14:05

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 13:49

I have been specifically told not to call. My step mum says she doesn’t have time to talk to me and my dad is “too weak to talk”.

Just go. Doesn’t matter what she says really. It’s your dad you are there to see, not there. You don’t have to chat if he’s tired you can make yourself useful instead. How upsetting if he deteriorated further and you didn’t get a chance to see him.

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 14:09

He’s been for “tests” at the hospital but they haven’t found anything wrong. I lost a stone after Covid because I wasn’t eating so I assume it’s that. The thing is that neither of them really “believed” in Covid and, though they had their jabs, they were quite blasé saying lazy teachers should get back to work during lockdown (I’m a teacher).

It’s really worrying as he’s in his 70s but like I say, I didn’t know. When my dad had kidney stones and ended up in A&E last year, my DSM phoned straight away.

OP posts:

Anytimeiseeit · 19/09/2022 14:10

SpidaMama · 19/09/2022 13:37

Sorry but 3 weeks is a long time not to check in with your Dad, even normally, but especially if he's had covid. I would be disappointed and sad too if you were my child.

Having said that if they text to say he had gone downhill I'm sure you would have made more contact to keep updated

So you're both unreasonable really for not communicating well.

Agree with this

Puppers · 19/09/2022 14:10

She has no right to gatekeep your dad. Definitely turn up and don’t take any bullshit from her. You thought he was a bit under the weather. He knew you had a broken collar bone. Neither of you called to check on the other. Had she informed you that his condition had deteriorated (as she bloody well should have done!), of course you would have been in touch. Where is her remorse for not checking on your injury? What if your condition had deteriorated e.g. infection or complication. She wouldn’t have known either. Nasty piece of work.

TwoWeeksislong · 19/09/2022 14:11

Do you get on with your step sister (even if you don’t see her often)? If she’s visiting frequently maybe she would reply to messages to keep you in the loop if your step mum is being uncooperative.
Definitely just turn up with something nice but easy to deal with for your dad & stepmum - a favorite box of biscuits or something similar.

stripeyzeb · 19/09/2022 14:13

I guess it depends on how close your family is and how regularly you communicate. I speak to my dad every day and can't imagine him having Covid and me not being really involved in some way.

But every family is different!

If it's normal for you to go several weeks without speaking to your dad then this is understandable. If your dad's wife knows this is your normal pattern then I think it's only fair she told you he was so sick.

If I were you, I'd get yourself over there to see him and do it soon. I hope he gets stronger soon.

SenoritaNaturista · 19/09/2022 14:18

Please look beyond the people berating you here - you are where you are now (and I understand) and you need to just look where to go from here.

Yes, it sounds like she is being controlling and yes you need to visit despite her protestations.

if bed-bound, he likely might appreciate more pyjamas, maybe some protein build up drinks from the chemist - can you ring her to “discuss what your Dad needs” (so you can bring things and “help her”)?

Has he seen his GP - is he referred for a body scan? If appropriate and the wait time is long, can you self fund one between you all to find out what’s going on?

Can you offer to sit/stay with your Dad to give his wife “some time, a bit of respite to get out and about”….basically, excuses for you to help and to be there?

Try not to be put off by her attitude to you, he is your Dad, and you need to fight to see him. (I lived through the same)

Nymeria6 · 19/09/2022 14:19

Erm your dad probably won't be annoyed or hurt as parents are forgiving and love you unconditionally.

However I'm with your step mum. You should have checked in lots more given you knew about covid and their age. Seems like your a hands off daughter which is fair enough but then don't be perplexed why there is an issue.

I call my parents every day. Sometimes I get caught up in work and home life for a day but them I ring ASAP. I don't go more than a day without speaking to them.

He is old make the most of him. You will regret it otherwise. I'd drive up.

Ivyy · 19/09/2022 14:28

Good plan for tomorrow op, hopefully you can speak to your dad without his wife gatekeeping, and even if he's too weak to talk properly, you can explain things to him and tell him your side of things.

Wouldn't surprise me if dsm has been stirring things up and putting thoughts in his head, it's the sort of thing my dm does. Going 3 weeks or more without communicating is standard in my family, but it's very dysfunctional and far from a normal happy family. Every family is different and communication works both ways! I'd also ask dsm how you were supposed to check in on your dad every day like your step sis and the neighbours if nobody bloody told you over the 3 weeks that your dad had gone so downhill he was bedridden and lost 2 stone!

verdantverdure · 19/09/2022 14:29

I would text and ask what you can do to help.

TokyoTen · 19/09/2022 14:31

I'd go and see my Dad immediately. She is just trying to prove a point - but there this is no time for her to make her point. If you DDad is actually that ill you should go and see him. Plus - even if you had been busy she could have called you and said "Look, I know you're busy but i'm really worried about him" like any normal person.

Topsy44 · 19/09/2022 14:35

Please don’t feel guilty. I think your Step Mum is in the wrong. She most definitely should have let you know. You had a lot going on, your own injury and family to deal with. My family don’t check in with each other every day and I would have felt the same, no need for constant checking as pretty normal to feel like that initially after Covid. I also don’t think being in your 70s means you’ve got to the doddery and infirm stage. In my experience a decade later is when life is harder
.
You have my sympathy as I have a SIL who often tries to guilt me on certain members of my family. I deal with it by keeping her at arms length as best as I can and communicating with my brother only (doesn’t always work!). Might be an option for you if you have another member of your family you can talk to about your Dad.

I hope the situation resolves soon. It’s awful being made to feel guilty and I would ignore some of the others on this thread who have hinted similar!

itsgettingweird · 19/09/2022 14:38

What a cold response.

I had the odd period over the 5 years my mum had cancer where I wouldn't check in for 2-3 weeks.

Rarely - but life as a parent happens.

They could have contacted you to tell you. In fact they should have. You had no reason to think he's been so I'll.

I would also just turn up.

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 14:38

Nymeria6 · 19/09/2022 14:19

Erm your dad probably won't be annoyed or hurt as parents are forgiving and love you unconditionally.

I call my parents every day. Sometimes I get caught up in work and home life for a day but them I ring ASAP. I don't go more than a day without speaking to them.

He is old make the most of him. You will regret it otherwise. I'd drive up.

I absolutely take your point and this is very much the relationship I have with my mum and step-dad. I visit often and speak to them every day.

My dad and I have always had a tricky relationship. He split up with my mum after my sister was killed when we were little. No one at fault, the grief just broke them apart. We have had long periods (years) without speaking on and off. His second wife (the one after my mum) wouldn’t allow us to speak on the phone or spend time together. He didn’t come to my wedding reception (as in he watched the ceremony and then left) because I didn’t invite children (his partner at the time had 4 children). He refused to come to my son’s 1st birthday and my 30th because my mum would be there and he hates her.

BUT when his mum died (and his wife was on a 3 week cruise), I had him to stay the whole time. We have a really similar sense of humour and we get on well. We keep an eye on what each other are doing through Facebook.

He doesn’t get on with my husband of 23 years because he (my dad) is quite right-wing/racist and so get-togethers can descend into arguments. He and his wife are both very scathing about teachers and how we are paid too much/have too much holiday and I work about 14 hours per day. In spite of this, we have them over here about 3 times a year and my husband has to ignore things my dad says. We haven’t been invited to their house for years.

I’m not saying my dad’s a bad guy. I love him to bits. I just wanted to give a bit of context.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 19/09/2022 14:41

You need to just go. Do not be put off by her.

Puppers · 19/09/2022 14:44

Nymeria6 · 19/09/2022 14:19

Erm your dad probably won't be annoyed or hurt as parents are forgiving and love you unconditionally.

I call my parents every day. Sometimes I get caught up in work and home life for a day but them I ring ASAP. I don't go more than a day without speaking to them.

He is old make the most of him. You will regret it otherwise. I'd drive up.

Would your parents also not call you if they knew you had a broken collar bone and were still juggling kids and work? It’s clearly not comparable to your situation with your parents.

Justkidding55 · 19/09/2022 14:45

What are you waiting for? Go now!!

ZealAndArdour · 19/09/2022 14:47

Is anyone getting this man any medical care or is your SM just gonna leave him to die in his bed?

For a previously busy and active man to be suddenly frail, bed bound and too weak to talk or text, something is seriously wrong or she’s elaborating the symptoms for dramatic effect.

CharlotteRose90 · 19/09/2022 14:50

Time has no boundaries when it comes to your parents or children. I’ve not spoken or seen my dad in nearly a year. Yet this week when I told him I was seriously ill in hospital he dropped everything to come visit me. And I’d do the same. Don’t wait till tomorrow go and see him. You only get one set of parents.

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 14:52

ZealAndArdour · 19/09/2022 14:47

Is anyone getting this man any medical care or is your SM just gonna leave him to die in his bed?

For a previously busy and active man to be suddenly frail, bed bound and too weak to talk or text, something is seriously wrong or she’s elaborating the symptoms for dramatic effect.

Truthfully, I expect it’s the latter. He has been for lots of tests at the hospital but not been admitted. But obviously I have to err on the side of caution.

OP posts:

ZealAndArdour · 19/09/2022 14:58

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 14:52

Truthfully, I expect it’s the latter. He has been for lots of tests at the hospital but not been admitted. But obviously I have to err on the side of caution.

Show quote history

Well that’s reassuring, I’d certainly go and see him and do your bit, but perhaps in the absence of any underlying pathology he may need some physiotherapy input to get him back to his previous level of function.

Older people can become physiologically deconditioned quite rapidly with an acute Illness/bedbound episode. If there is nothing going on illness wise and it is just that he feels weak and fatigued, he will not be helped out of it by staying in bed, or being sent to bed all the time by his wife. He needs to remain gently active within the home and when that feels a bit easier he needs to be branching out round the garden and then gradually back out onto the world.

Are you likely to get the chance to talk to him alone when you visit him? And will he talk candidly to you?

Original poster

TheDuchess1979 · 19/09/2022 15:11

He’s just text me directly and said he has “anxiety and depression” and that he doesn’t want to see or speak to anyone (including his wife).

So, in summary, he’s not in his right mind and my DSM is probably getting peed off with him.

I’ve suffered from anxiety myself and told him to ask the GP if there is medication that he can get to help with this. I also said that I sympathise and I get that he had probably blown me not calling out of all proportion and that I’ve done similar in the past.

I will keep checking in with him every day because that’s all he would like at this time. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my sister’s death and so he normally feels better once this has passed. I’ll go and visit later in the week/at the weekend at an agreed time so he doesn’t feel ambushed.

OP posts:

Billybagpuss · 19/09/2022 15:16

Are you sure it’s him not her?

Zingy123 · 19/09/2022 15:18

I can't imagine not contacting my parents for three weeks. They are right to be angry with you. Your post is all me me me.

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