Wanting to spend Christmas Day in my home

[Niye]

Hi 👋 I'm trying to work out if I'm BU after an exchange with DH.

Bit of background first: I've lived in UK for 12 yrs but am neither Brit nor is Christmas a religious festival for me. And my family live on an entirely different continent
This is important for what I'm about to describe.

For the last 12 years, I've spent Christmas holidays at my now IN LAWS' place. First mostly at now MIL place and then a few times at SIL place. I have respected their Christmas traditions (they aren't religious though, except MIL who goes for Christmas Eve service) and done everything,. perhaps sometimes more, that's been asked of me. For e.g. the first year , I wanted to bring something along as it's rude where I'm from to go empty handed especially for a festival. I was asked to bring a small joint of gammon. I'd never eaten pork before , let alone cook , however was happy to do it and brought that along, which was much appreciated and sort of became my thing to bring in addition to general food items and drinks.

When SIL had kids and they were young, the whole day's set up and routine was shifted to accommodate the children's routines and again, was happy to skip breakfast to be able to eat Christmas dinner at 12pm.sharp.

Guess the point I'm trying to make is that whoever needed whatever doing, I did, happily.

In this time period, I've offered to host Christmas twice. Once when I was the fiance and when I became wife. Both times I was told that DH's grandma would struggle with some thing or the other in our home Vs. in MIL/SIL place so couldn't host at ours. Both times DH grandma didn't attend Christmas at either of those residences.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and now we are a family of our own. DH and DS who is a toddler and understands Christmas enough to partake and appreciate the bells and whistles.

This morning we were talking about Christmas events we've booked and I mentioned needing to keep Fri and Sat free for Christmas prep. To which DH asked if it meant I wanted to spend Christmas Day just us at home. I said yes. Conversation went on back and forth and at one point he said well it'll be boring just us 3. I reminded him of all the times in the past however many years when he has complained about how boring Christmas was at his parents and sister's. He admits that but rebuttled that Christmas is about family. So I said yes we are a family and I'd like to have Christmas in my home with my family establishing our own family traditions for the day. I said we'd go wherever needed on boxing Day for a few days so time is spent with the in laws. The conversation went back and forth a bit and basically left at stalemate.

I felt quite hurt by this exchange and DH comment that it.will be boring just us 3. His family weren't around when DS was born in Dec 2020. MIL met DS 19 days later to drop off some presents, didn't offer to help with anything, couldn't get out the door fast enough. And no, there were no restrictions then. She then came to see DS 8 months later in late summer 2021. For a day.

SIL didn't visit until DS was 6 months.

And there are other bits and things (actions), especially around DS and their, what I feel, failure to show up for DS and DH after DS birth. But this isn't about that. DH knows how their actions made me feel. However, despite their absence, I've never said no to family get togethers etc.

I'm at that point where I feel I've been the dutiful gf,.fiance and wife and treated his family like mine. However, can't say that has been reciprocated. And I'm at that point point where I feel I've done enough and now it's time for us as a family to have our own Christmas Day traditions and build memories. I don't feel the slightest inclination to make any further accommodations for mil/sil Christmas wishes and wants anymore.

I'd like to think I've been fair. And I've been feeling really off since DH and my exchange.

Am I being unreasonable?

I understand how your husband feels as that was me in the early years of my marriage - we’d always had big family Christmases with all my grandparents and some extended Aunts. When we were younger we’d go to my grandparents 150 miles away but as we got older they always came to us as we had more room. My Mum does a traditional Christmas meal and other foods that I associate with Christmas and I just couldn’t bear the thought of it just being is and out 3 you by children with no help and if I wanted the usual traditional stuff I’d have to prepare it all myself.

However, my DH was fed up if always going to my parents (we didn’t go to his as they were too elderly to host and preferred Christmas by themselves - though we went the first year we were married when I was 3 months pregnant as they could cope with it then). So I agreed and we had our first Christmas at home, me DH, a 3yr old and 9 month old twins. It wasn’t the most exciting but looking back at the photos of that day now makes me happy and we have done many more Christmases just the 5 of us and I really enjoy them now. But regardless of how I felt that first Christmas by ourselves, it was what my husband wanted and we are 50:50 partners in this family and I had to respect his wishes.

So YANBU to want to spend Christmas at home just the 3 of you, or more if your ILs agree to come. And your DH is VV unreasonable not to listen to what you want and agree to it for one year. I really hope he comes round and you get to do it. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t your own tradition of celebrating Christmas, you want to create some and as your son gets older he will hear what his friends do and will be able to feel that he has his family traditions too.

BTW I think another poster commented that your DH just wants to g somewhere where everything is laid on for him and it does sound a bit like that to me - at home he’ll have to be more hands on and help out. I do feel he needs to grow up, respect his wife more and act like a supportive husband rather than a spoilt child. xx

*being us and our 3 young children that should say

She did offer to host, but was told no.