Wanting to spend Christmas Day in my home

[Niye]

Hi 👋 I'm trying to work out if I'm BU after an exchange with DH.

Bit of background first: I've lived in UK for 12 yrs but am neither Brit nor is Christmas a religious festival for me. And my family live on an entirely different continent
This is important for what I'm about to describe.

For the last 12 years, I've spent Christmas holidays at my now IN LAWS' place. First mostly at now MIL place and then a few times at SIL place. I have respected their Christmas traditions (they aren't religious though, except MIL who goes for Christmas Eve service) and done everything,. perhaps sometimes more, that's been asked of me. For e.g. the first year , I wanted to bring something along as it's rude where I'm from to go empty handed especially for a festival. I was asked to bring a small joint of gammon. I'd never eaten pork before , let alone cook , however was happy to do it and brought that along, which was much appreciated and sort of became my thing to bring in addition to general food items and drinks.

When SIL had kids and they were young, the whole day's set up and routine was shifted to accommodate the children's routines and again, was happy to skip breakfast to be able to eat Christmas dinner at 12pm.sharp.

Guess the point I'm trying to make is that whoever needed whatever doing, I did, happily.

In this time period, I've offered to host Christmas twice. Once when I was the fiance and when I became wife. Both times I was told that DH's grandma would struggle with some thing or the other in our home Vs. in MIL/SIL place so couldn't host at ours. Both times DH grandma didn't attend Christmas at either of those residences.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and now we are a family of our own. DH and DS who is a toddler and understands Christmas enough to partake and appreciate the bells and whistles.

This morning we were talking about Christmas events we've booked and I mentioned needing to keep Fri and Sat free for Christmas prep. To which DH asked if it meant I wanted to spend Christmas Day just us at home. I said yes. Conversation went on back and forth and at one point he said well it'll be boring just us 3. I reminded him of all the times in the past however many years when he has complained about how boring Christmas was at his parents and sister's. He admits that but rebuttled that Christmas is about family. So I said yes we are a family and I'd like to have Christmas in my home with my family establishing our own family traditions for the day. I said we'd go wherever needed on boxing Day for a few days so time is spent with the in laws. The conversation went back and forth a bit and basically left at stalemate.

I felt quite hurt by this exchange and DH comment that it.will be boring just us 3. His family weren't around when DS was born in Dec 2020. MIL met DS 19 days later to drop off some presents, didn't offer to help with anything, couldn't get out the door fast enough. And no, there were no restrictions then. She then came to see DS 8 months later in late summer 2021. For a day.

SIL didn't visit until DS was 6 months.

And there are other bits and things (actions), especially around DS and their, what I feel, failure to show up for DS and DH after DS birth. But this isn't about that. DH knows how their actions made me feel. However, despite their absence, I've never said no to family get togethers etc.

I'm at that point where I feel I've been the dutiful gf,.fiance and wife and treated his family like mine. However, can't say that has been reciprocated. And I'm at that point point where I feel I've done enough and now it's time for us as a family to have our own Christmas Day traditions and build memories. I don't feel the slightest inclination to make any further accommodations for mil/sil Christmas wishes and wants anymore.

I'd like to think I've been fair. And I've been feeling really off since DH and my exchange.

Am I being unreasonable?

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement and perspective. I've been feeling so rubbish and guilty since the exchange because it made.me feel like I was being unreasonable. But hearing you and your advice , all of it , gives me the assurance I need to soldier on.

I hope we can do it at ours with all present. I've always maintained that with DH, our doors are always open. But I am keen for us to do it our way. Think it's high time anyway. And hope DH will see that eventually and willingly come around to it.

Thank you all for the support 💕

😂😂😂😂 thank you ❣️

I'd tell dh to get in early and invite eve to yours. When/if they decline say that you're staying out then

I used to traipse to family every year, they always expected to host and everyone to come to them. But was never a very relaxed affair.
I had my 2nd DC a few days before Xmas and used it as an excuse to stay home, and it was great. We've done it every year since. I like being able to wear what I want, eat when I want, watch what I want. We have a lovely Xmas just me, DP and the kids.
Family are more than welcome to visit us over the Xmas period but I'm no longer dragging us all miles away on my few days off from work.

I don't think you are wrong.

I pushed idea of Christmas being longer period - so week before still Christmas to see family - but if your nearer Boxing day/New Year.

Difference was my family understood - DH was keen not to traipse up and down country - so just had to be clear with IL.

It helped previous Christmas before pfb we'd had to go to a cold house with no food as they'd been away and wanted us there early so they came back to warm house with basic in - and expected us to do same with young baby - and we were coming via public transport. So just had to stick to no.

I'd sell the benefits to DH- lie in and doing what you want and fact you've fitted around everyone else for years and now want own traditions.

I have never understood this British tradition of having to spend Christmas with your in laws and extended family. My dad always worked through Christmas but was home in the evenings, so we always had Christmas at home just with our family of 5, every couple of years my dad's parents would join us for the day. I never spent Christmas with my other grandparents because we couldn't travel anywhere, but they were perfectly happy to have a quiet Christmas at their own home.

We have 2 dc so we'll always either spend Christmas at home with our children in blissful peace watching TV, doing long walks and eating lots of food. Every couple of years we'll go to my parents who do a lovely Christmas for us there, but we have to travel abroad so we stay for at least a week.

You should honestly just do whatever feels best for your family and your DC.

He should tell his family that the 3 of you will be boring and insist they come!

Yanbu.

Be insistent, and invite everyone to yours. But be sympathetic that it can feel strange not to be with your siblings and parents at Christmas.

My favourite Christmas DH and I ever had was when it was just the two of us. We snuggled up on the sofa and ate steak and chips with Diane sauce followed by a lovely pudding and goodies galore. We watched films all afternoon before going to bed. It was so chilled and we only had to please ourselves. Don’t underrate doing things ‘your way’.

I agree with your DH. Christmas is boring with fewer people at home. I love it with all the family together. Wouldn't be the same just us at home.

Blood hell you've been more than fair! I agree, Xmas day at yours and then Boxing Day with his family is fine.

I'm with your dh - if you are from a family where Christmas is a big family affair then it's really not very nice when it's just your household, makes it like any other day. Obviously covid forced us to be home but dp knows that I do Christmas this way with my family so understands even though his family doesn't (we've offered to take his mum who refused)

Christmas is for kids (unless you are actually Christian) so do whatever will make your DC happiest.

Completely with you on this one. We’ve done Christmas at the in-laws the past few years but now that our little one is starting to understand what Christmas is, I want to establish our own family traditions in our own home. I’ve always wanted the excitement of Christmas morning and him coming down stairs to all his presents and the magic of it all.

Do what you want, you don’t have to answer to anyone else. And if your husband is so bothered, send him to his parents and enjoy your day with your son 😁

Ive been in your place. Been away from home for Christmas and dealt with the logistics of that and putting only one side of the family first. For a decade or so.

I also tried putting my foot down. I just wanted one year in my own home. And YES i totally I understand wanting to form your own traditions and not just continue someone elses. I often felt pushed out snd marginalised of my kids own christmas by it being in someone elses home year after year.

I wasn't even saying i wanted to do it every year. I was absolutely vilified. Torn to pieces. How selfish i was. 'Christmas is about family'. It was so and sos big birthday/wedding/had a tough year. It really affected our relationship that my husband wouldn't back me. I felt quite rejected by him and that we would never be enough. Noone would see my point of view at all. Or give an inch.

It did contribute to our divorce. Re The rigidity and the influence of the collective might of the inlaws. He felt torn i get that. But he repeatedly made his choice and pushed me out.

Its really sad actually, i loved him so
Much and wanted a lovely Christmas in our beautiful home with him and our kids. And the bottom line is we were not enough for him.

The first Christmas that we had two dc we went to in laws, was a nightmare with a one month old and a toddler, vowed after that never to leave our house at Christmas again, and we haven’t! So much easier with small children in your own home. Don’t mind who comes to us but we’re not going anywhere!

I agree and his family have and will always be welcome to join us. However, they'll politely refuse as they have previously.

So , whilst we'd both love to have Christmas at our home with everyone, it's actually going to be either with everyone at either MIL or SIL place or just use at ours.

Hope you can see why this makes it frustrating.

We used to go all over the place for Christmas and it was a bloody nightmare, especially with a young child. Nobody enjoyed it.

Now we don’t go anywhere and do Christmas on our own (me, oh and ds) and it’s so much nicer, stress free and ds actually gets to play with his toys properly (rather than opening them and running round to a relatives house).

If people want to come over on Boxing Day (or invite us somewhere) then that’s fine but I’m not going anywhere, or hosting anyone, on Xmas day.

I think you should have your own family Xmas if that’s what you want. Time to start making your own memories with your child.
Are the in-laws close enough that you can send DH and DS round there for an hour while you prepare the meal ?
and you can eat whenever you want, we’ve always eaten at 5pm as that’s a better time for us.

Honestly Christmas at home with your own little family can be the best. I know your dh isn't on board but if you are most comfortable in your home, he'll have to go with it imo. Or send him to his family and stay home yourself.

I could have written this myself. You never get the precious years back and we spent a few Christmas days traipsing around everywhere with young children, we made a stand and Christmas at home just the 4 of us for years had been amazing!

YANBU to feel that way - lots of people do want to spend Christmas in their own home once they have children. Not me though. I like a crowd at Christmas. I'm 50 with teenage children and had never spent Christmas with just us until a couple of years ago. We all agreed it was really boring and a massive anti-climax. Itfelt too much like a normal weekend day, and we will never ever do it again!

Christmas is such a pita. We're a couple without children so always worked around what others wanted. It was always exhausting and an endurance test. Fortunately, and sadly, some family have now died and we've had the last few Christmases on our own and they've been absolute bliss. We make nice food, organise walks just us and with friends, watch films. It's a lovely exhausting perfect time now. I hope you get to do some things your way occasionally.

I don’t think you get any massive points for attending his family Christmases - none of it sounds like a big deal, and your family are n’t here to go to. So I wouldn’t make heavy whether of that because it will piss him off.

Perfectly fair enough to do C’mas at home now you have kids. It probably will be a bit boring, for your son as well as DH if the in laws don’t come. Hopefully they will, but if not think I think the compromise would be one year at home one year at SILs.

it’s also perhaps worth DH having a word with his sister and saying he’s really like her to come.

Surely if you explained it the way you have in your OP, your DH couldnt truly object? Your In laws have been completely awful - just tolerating you or ignoring you for over a decade.

He should be fighting your corner.