AIBU?
Is it me?
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 10:48
DH and I have not been getting on at all recently. He works full time, I work 3 days but my god I have so much more to do. I’m so tired of seeing him sat down, as soon as he sits/lays does he is asleep within seconds. He eats like a pig and I dunno if I can take it anymore. He bathed the kids last night and left me to empty to the water and clean out the bath, he never puts the dishwasher on regardless of how much he knows it bothers me, never puts the washing machine on or picks up the dog poo from the garden. I have even tested him and he will happily go for weeks without washing his work shirts. I can’t cope anymore. He says I nag too much 🙄
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 10:48
Sits/lies down that should say** stupid phone
Mamamia7962 · 18/09/2022 10:50
What are his full time hours, does he have a long commute? Physically demanding job?
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 10:52
He is an ops manager so just sits in an office
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 10:54
He would happily live In shit. He lived with his gran who was a hoarder so he is used to it. I honestly can’t take it anymore but I’m wondering if I need to back off a bit because I am making myself unhappy constantly moaning.
Testina · 18/09/2022 10:54
Forget washing his work shirts or caring if he changes them, and take steps to increase to full time and leave him then. And don’t say that lightly.
There is an argument for you doing more in the home to “equal” his 5 days, and create equal leisure time. But if your kids are still young enough that you have to bathe them, doesn’t sound like you have 2 child free days to do house stuff.
Sexnotgender · 18/09/2022 10:55
Do fuck all for the lazy shite.
Or leave him. Sounds like you’ve got the ick.
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 10:56
he leaves at 7am in the morning and usually gets home about 6 (traffic dependant) but he literally gets up and leaves for work. Granted I don’t start until 9am and WFH currently but the drop offs and pick ups are down to me. I wake up give the kids their breakfast, get them dressed, drop DS off at nursery and then take DD to breakfast club.
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 10:57
No DS is 2 so at home with me on my days off.
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 10:58
If I had 2 days to myself I wouldn’t grumble at all but I will be going back full time when DS starts school.
Testina · 18/09/2022 10:58
“I’m wondering if I need to back off a bit because I am making myself unhappy constantly moaning.”
You’re not “moaning” you’re expressing legitimate complaints. If verbalise it is making you feel worse and achieves nothing, sure - stop. I don’t think it’ll stop you feeling unhappy though. So make a plan.
Which might be sucking it up and staying quiet until you’re ready to leave, and in the meantime not doing anything for him, and insisting on a cleaner, and increasing your hours. But if your plan just ends at “sucking it up” then staying quiet and not “moaning” won’t make you happier.
EBearhug · 18/09/2022 10:58
I have even tested him and he will happily go for weeks without washing his work shirts.
I doubt his colleagues would be so happy,but you could leave him to find out.
Testina · 18/09/2022 11:01
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 10:56
he leaves at 7am in the morning and usually gets home about 6 (traffic dependant) but he literally gets up and leaves for work. Granted I don’t start until 9am and WFH currently but the drop offs and pick ups are down to me. I wake up give the kids their breakfast, get them dressed, drop DS off at nursery and then take DD to breakfast club.
All that sounds fair - doesn’t sound like you do anything that starts before 07:00? Personally I’d far rather be having breakfast with my children and taking them to school than going to work. So focus on what isn’t fair.
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2022 11:02
Contempt is fatal. You loathe him, I would too, he’s disgusting. Stop putting up with it. Imagine your life without him in it, imagine your home as clean, tidy and free of him. Then take steps to make it happen. You know it’s over. You can’t have your child growing up thinking the way his dad behaves is normal or okay and he’s seeing a miserable dysfunctional marriage as normal which is really damaging.
Stop thinking about how to survive it and just end it. You’ll be so much happier.
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 11:03
@Testina I personally don’t agree with that, he could at least help a little.
Felicity42 · 18/09/2022 11:04
Did he do any of this before you had kids?
Has he stopped doing it or did you do everything for him up to now?
arethereanyleftatall · 18/09/2022 11:05
@Testina ...except a 2 year old of course. But sure, yeah, nothing.
Here's the thing op. You can't stand him. With good reason. He's a dirty lazy selfish sexist slob. This will absolutely end in divorce at some point. And, unless you start the ball rolling today, when you do, you'll wonder why on Earth you didn't do it sooner.
arethereanyleftatall · 18/09/2022 11:06
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 11:03
@Testina I personally don’t agree with that, he could at least help a little.
Don't worry op. Nobody, who isn't in a shit relationship themselves, does.
Testina · 18/09/2022 11:08
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 11:03
@Testina I personally don’t agree with that, he could at least help a little.
He’s getting ready to leave for work himself and then leaves at 07:00.
You don’t start work until 09:00.
Do you have a really long commute to get the children to nursery then back to WFH?
You don’t generally need to start the morning “breakfast and getting dressed routine” before 07:00, surely?
Now if the kids are both 05:00 risers of course he should share that load. But that’s not what you’ve said you’re doing in the morning.
I’m no apologist for him - I’ve posted to make plans to leave 🤷🏻♀️
But I don’t understand how he’s supposed to get the kids ready in the morning if he’s left the house by 07:00?
lavendermouse · 18/09/2022 11:09
I literally could of wrote this myself today. I'm a sahm to five. DH works full time but I've been asked this morning why is the house always a mess and what do I do all week?
Im thinking is it me? Am I actually lazy? I feel like all I do is tidy and cook.
I prioritised spending time with him yesterday evening rather than continuing housework. Wish I hadn't now.
I'm taking the older children out this afternoon and he's apparently going to make tea whilst having the younger two.
I've watched him prep it and am dreading what kind of roast dinner I shall be coming home to.
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 11:11
@Testina DS wakes up at 6, he could take him down for breakfast, change his nappy etc, instead he blanks his alarm until he feels ready, gets ready for work and leaves.
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 11:12
He says we never have sex, I don’t want to!
Testina · 18/09/2022 11:12
arethereanyleftatall · 18/09/2022 11:06
Don't worry op. Nobody, who isn't in a shit relationship themselves, does.
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 11:03
@Testina I personally don’t agree with that, he could at least help a little.
I’m divorced, my first husband was a lazy shit who didn’t change his bedsheets for a year (we were in separate rooms, I left them to him, I know the dates because I changed them when his family took over the master bedroom for Xmas visit). So yes, I do understand. He was the kind of husband/father who wouldn’t even think to pick up a changing bag on the way out with baby, as that was my job.
That’s why I told OP to think about leaving. But, in the meantime, I told her to focus on what’s actually unfair. And I don’t see that it’s unfair - on the details given - that the person starting at 09:00 does the morning child stuff not the one who left at 07:00 🤷🏻♀️
Don’t fight over that. But sure as hell fight over his crap in the evenings / weekends.
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 11:12
In my opinion he should use the energy he has left for sex to help me out
Babyroobs · 18/09/2022 11:13
Littlebylittle90 · 18/09/2022 10:56
he leaves at 7am in the morning and usually gets home about 6 (traffic dependant) but he literally gets up and leaves for work. Granted I don’t start until 9am and WFH currently but the drop offs and pick ups are down to me. I wake up give the kids their breakfast, get them dressed, drop DS off at nursery and then take DD to breakfast club.
He has an 11 hour day, possibly a stressful job and commute. To be honest I'm not surprised he's knackered and falling asleep. There is absolutely no excuse for not maintaining basic hygiene though. is it a recent problem that this has started?
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