Is it me?

[Littlebylittle90]

DH and I have not been getting on at all recently. He works full time, I work 3 days but my god I have so much more to do. I’m so tired of seeing him sat down, as soon as he sits/lays does he is asleep within seconds. He eats like a pig and I dunno if I can take it anymore. He bathed the kids last night and left me to empty to the water and clean out the bath, he never puts the dishwasher on regardless of how much he knows it bothers me, never puts the washing machine on or picks up the dog poo from the garden. I have even tested him and he will happily go for weeks without washing his work shirts. I can’t cope anymore. He says I nag too much 🙄

Because he's grim. Of course you don't want to sex with him.

@Testina obviously that isn’t my main concern but I still believe he should be helping in the morning with DS.

1. He’s an arse

2. You’ve got the ick and that’s hard to come back from

3. It’s completely wilful incompetence on his part and you need to consider whether you can keep living with being disrespected like that

Hugs

I’m not surprised. By the time I’d left my lazy non washing first husband, we hadn’t had sex for 2 years! Forget the fears that come with divorce for a moment, and the practicalities - do you want to live with the man?

You need to stop seeing his contributions as “helping”, that implies it’s your job and he’s doing you a favour.

OMG.
When he mentions sex I would be honest. Tell him you don’t find him remotely attractive. Let that sink in. Tell him he isn’t clean enough for you to find him attractive so why would you want to shag him? Let him mull that over. The truth is women do not find disrespectful men attractive. A man who treats you like shit, why would you want to have sex with him? You wouldn’t. What he thinks about it is irrelevant.
You are not the gross pig here.
You can either explain to him that jobs need doing or accept he will not change.
Personally I believe it’s better for like minded people to marry.
The type of person who is thoughtful and caring needs to be with a thoughtful and caring person. It just doesn’t work otherwise.

I wouldn’t either. He sounds like a grubby boy not a man.

The decide how and do what you can to enforce it. You can’t of course put your 2yo in the bedroom with him at 6am with no nappy change as that’s not fair on the child. But you can do the nappy change and then put him on the bed “play with daddy whilst I’m getting the dishwasher emptied”. You can’t of course let him go hungry, but if you can stretch him breakfast until 7am, leave him to follow daddy around getting ready until then.

If you know that won’t work - it won’t be safe, or daddy will just tell you to take him away - then you have to think about leaving, in my opinion.

FWIW, and apologies if this sounds too twee… or even martyred… but I bloody loved having kids. In a way that my first husband didn’t. Sure, on any individual day getting breakfast into them on a deadline could be a ball ache, but the overall concept of being the one to feed them, do the school run, be the close part of their lives that actually met their nursery key worker, picked up nice stones on the walk to school… all of that, that’s what I wanted. So mentally, I embraced that I did everything - for the kids. I stopped feeling angry about that (most of the time!).

So I got on with enjoying being the involved parent, the real “primary carer” - but didn’t do other things. I never washed his clothes, for example. Just filled a load with mine and kids. I happily would say, “oh I’m not hungry, and kids ate earlier” at dinner time. And then, I divorced him.

So I would say, don’t let your anger at him destroy your enjoyment of parenting your children - and think carefully about whether you really want to stay with him.

It’s ok Saying you enjoyed giving them breakfast etc and collecting stones but on my. Working days I don’t have time for all that.

you might aswell split up souns like you have an extra child to look after-youre better off alone

Obviously you should be doing much more housework/childcare as you only work PT.

But that doesn’t mean he should do nothing!

I’m a single parent and work FT and after work I’m busy doing all my housework like every other parent.

What does he say when you speak to him about it?

I would suggest you working more/less or having a list of what each one should do but It actually sounds like you’re both miserable and I think that this relationship has just come to its end.

Yes, you do.
You start work at 09:00 from home. Of course you have time to give your children breakfast.

Look, I’m just trying to give you a perspective that helped me when I was in your position, living with a dirty, lazy man who I no longer liked let alone loved - and certainly didn’t want sex with.

I mentally embraced that I wanted to be the primary cared for my children. And let his washing etc get to fuck!

You can argue with me that you don’t have time to feed your children in the morning, but I’m not the issue here - your husband is. So you need to decide what you’re going to do.

Stop “moaning”, suck it up, and complain on MN periodically as fairly ineffectual stress relief? Or change your life.

@Noteverybodylives “I’m a single parent and work FT and after work I’m busy doing all my housework like every other parent.”

That was me after divorce, too - working full time with two primary aged children. It’s amazing how much easier housework is when you remove (a) the work caused by your ex’s presence let alone laziness (b) the mental energy lost to being angry about that!

@Noteverybodylives don’t agree with that either sorry.

Why should I have to do more housework because I work 3 Days?

This is spot on. It has blown me away how much nicer it is. I had no idea how much of my soul he was crushing.

Op, almost every post is trying to help you find the strength to leave, to give yourself a chance of happiness, and to not show your children what an unhealthy relationship is. But, and correct me if I'm wrong, you seem not to be picking up the main point, which is that your husband is abhorrent, and focusing on the tiny snippets of some posters comments which are fuelling your narrative of 'it is me'.

No you are 100% right, I suppose I’m just making sure I’m doing the right thing if I leave.

I worry I won’t be able to provide financially on my own? How do you do it?

Well. My own experience only is, that it was 💯 the right thing to do to leave. My house is happy, my children are happy and thriving. They even enjoy going to their dads who has, interestingly, stepped up.
I also think the bad choice I made for a marriage, was a result of never having being modelled a good relationship by my own parents (who despised each other but didn't divorce), so I just didn't know. My own dc know.

OP, he isnt just sitting int he office? Its not fair to say. Agreed he should be helping more but he does work 5 days a week for 11 hour days. HE leaves early so how is he supposed to help you in the morning with the kids? Maybe get a cleaner once a week? I work 10 hour days and I honestly not feel like doing anything afterwards. However, he should be helping with cleaning jobs on weekend and you do need to get a break from chores.

This is where I personally am very lucky. And I know not everyone is - many of my friends who see how happy I am, would love to follow suit, but just can't financially, but are working towards it. I get both cm and sm, my ex has an excellent job and he's never shirked financially.
But - do your own sums. Use the gov website to see what you'ld be entitled to maintenance wise and benefit wise. Start getting ducks in a row. See what you need to do.

Even on the weekend nothing wakes him up. I give up asking him for help and just go down, he has never once got up in the night when they were tiny. I feel so resentful.

@arethereanyleftatall sorry what is sm?

OP we get the picture. You don’t need to keep giving more and more details about how awful he is and how angry it makes you. We’ve heard you already.

So, he’s lazy and you dislike him. What are you going to do about it?

Spousal maintenance. Due to the disparity in our incomes.