Is it me?

[Littlebylittle90]

DH and I have not been getting on at all recently. He works full time, I work 3 days but my god I have so much more to do. I’m so tired of seeing him sat down, as soon as he sits/lays does he is asleep within seconds. He eats like a pig and I dunno if I can take it anymore. He bathed the kids last night and left me to empty to the water and clean out the bath, he never puts the dishwasher on regardless of how much he knows it bothers me, never puts the washing machine on or picks up the dog poo from the garden. I have even tested him and he will happily go for weeks without washing his work shirts. I can’t cope anymore. He says I nag too much 🙄

Because you're at home more!

When we worked with the mediators for our divorce it wasn't split by what was 'fair' which was what we asked for, but by what we needed. We hadn't realised that.
So, what finances did I need off him to continue to cover our childrens costs. Leaving him with what he needed too to do the same of course.

Yep my ex husband was like this. I left him and raised my standards. Second husband probably does more than I do around the house.

@MrsSchrute on my days off I look after DS, Shouldn’t need to do more housework.

He can't do it because he is at work, you don't think that you should have too because you have DS at home - so who does it?
Every parent I know does housework with a child at home! How else would it get done?

Ask yourself are you happy,do you love him?Do you want to be together?Simple if the answer is no then separate ,work out how todo that.Take it step by step and you will succeed,not easy but living with this awful man’s worse.Stop doing his washing and cook just for yourself and the children. Make a plan you can do this.Take control.Good luck

@MrsSchrute I shouldn’t have to do more housework than him!

So this pathetic excuse for a husband and father is enjoying having a free nanny, cleaner, cook and PA all at your expense

you will get child maintenance
you will get a discount on your council tax
you could work three days a week and get universal credit to top your income up
child benefit

youll also get some free time when he takes the children for contact

you’ll have less to do overall

resentment is like drinking your own poison

but before you manage to kick him out why not insist that he looks after the kids while you get a lie in?

make it clear that you want a lie in and refuse to get up!!! You are the reason he doesn’t get up. Take that option away from him

Can you afford to stay in your current home?

You shouldn’t have less leisure time than him.
There’s a difference.

It’s perfectly fair that someone who does paid work + commute for more hours does less housework. Even allowing for you non working days being childcare days not sitting on your arse watching This Morning days, it’s fair for the person at home with a child to do some housework too.

What matters is why the housework is there too… emptying a dishwasher from a family meal? Yes. Collecting up a man’s abandoned cups and wiping crusted food from him coking? No. Bringing the laundry bag down and putting a load on? Yes. Collecting dirty socks from his side of the bed? No.

I work full time and didn’t have children until I could afford that on my own, if needed.

You need to work out a plan. Even if you don’t ever choose to leave, you should work out how you could.

You wouldn’t be the first woman to stay for several years until it was financially easier. For example, waiting until youngest started school. But even then, you need a plan. No short term, “my salary would only cover nursery” stuff. Whilst you’re a couple, nursery is a household expense. So you might break even on financials, but have a far better chance of promotion in a year’s time. You can use the time to build savings - him thinking it’s a safety net, you knowing it’s your future rental deposit.

If you stay temporarily you need both a financial plan, and a daily living plan. Refuse to do what you refuse. E.g. it’s easier to not do his washing, than to eat having cooked for 1 in front of him. You can of course plan your time to do a children’s tea separately, and tell him you’re on a health kick of eating main meal in day 😉

You may not be able to force him to parent. Sure you can say you’re having the Saturday lie in, but if he refuses to get up and a full nappied child knocks on your door, you’re fucked. When a child’s welfare or happiness is involved, he’s got you over a barrel and he knows it.

But that shit is more bearable if you have a plan - even if you’re years away from leaving.

Why should I have to do more housework because I work 3 Days?

Of course you should do more housework than him.

If you were working FT whilst he worked part time would you honestly think it was fair that that he didn’t do extra housework?

I was with you until you said that you don’t think you should do more housework and now I think you have unrealistic expectations.

Why are you not working full time?
Then you can both share everything 50/50.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're having a tough time - he doesn't seem to pull his weight at all. No wonder you're resentful.

Can I ask, do you enjoy the childcare? I'm just wondering if part of the issue around housework vs childcare is because you don't enjoy the childcare? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that (I wouldn't enjoy it at that age either!) and if it is the case, maybe looking into more nursery and upping your hours might be a good idea?

All housework would then be completely 50/50 (or should be!) You'd be more financially stable and have more options available to you.

Good luck

I definitely think you should leave him as you hate him and resent him. But while you’re there and the split of working time is as it is it’s fair you do more housework. You have one two year old, you have two days off work, you start work two hours later on your working days. You should be able to get plenty done in your days off and around your days of work. I have sympathy for you living with a lazy grub monkey but be realistic about the things that are fair. You don’t deserve more down time than he does.

Yes. Exactly this.

@Littlebylittle90 You absolutely should be doing more housework than him.

He sounds like he should be doing more, but the fact that you think you don't have time to feed your kids when you start work at 9am with no commute, and that you should have an equal split of housework makes me question your perspective.

For those 22 hours you're not working while he is, you should be keeping an eye on the kids and getting on with things. Putting a load in the washing machine, giving the kitchen a wipe down, tidying a few toys away. These things don't take much time and they're easy to stay on top of.

You of course need downtime, but if your kids are young enough to need to be bathed, I imagine they're put to be fairly early. If his 11 hours starts earlier than yours, it sounds like by 7pm-8pm you've both done a full day.

If a woman posted here that her husband complained that she didn't drain the bathtub after bathing her two kids, he would be slaughtered.

DH works full time. I work 3 days and have DS at home the other 2 days with me.
It stands to reason that I do a little more around the house because I'm here in the house.
DH pulls his weight, never stops in fact, but I'm physically in the house so I naturally clean up around me as I go about my day with DS. Aside from that we work through the house together. If DS is having a good day, I'll get more done. I've just had a grim cold so I got a bit less done and we've done it this weekend. Surely a team effort is each of you doing what you can? If I can get it done in the week while DH is working, I get more quality time with him when he's not working or more family time together without one of us needing to do housework.

My point is that even if I worked full time I couldn’t just get up and go? Are the uniforms ready, nursery bags? None of that even crosses his mind.

So what you gonna do about it? You've had lots of good advice.

But that doesn’t stop you working full time.
You do uniforms and bags 3 days a week, you can do them 5. It’s not that hard.

That’s like my earlier point about when you are a single parent. It doesn’t feel as hard to just get uniforms ready, as it does to get uniforms ready whilst sick with resentful anger at the arsehole doing fuck all! Filling a nursery bag takes seconds. The headspace of being let down by your husband takes rather longer!

Don’t let the thought of two extra mornings of work stop you from making a change for the greater good long term.

How many uniforms are you getting ready? You have two children, one at school and one at nursery two days. Does your son need a uniform for nursery?

I'm amazed that you are struggling to do housework when you have one child to look after during the day.

If you both worked ft with him starting at 7 and you at 9 you should still be doing the school bags etc. why wouldn’t you? You’d be there more than he would.

Your posts are confusing. Are you intending to try to make changes? To leave him and see how you feel about doing all the housework plus having to work ft? Or just stay feeling bitter and angry and resentful? It’s okay if you don’t know but you’re not going far in your thinking by focusing on minutiae.

I think if the did work as many hours as her dh, she would still be the one doing all the housework. Her dh is lazy.

That’s my point. It doesn’t matter how many hours I do, I will still be the default parent and he will be the fun play mate. So annoying!

It’s the fact that it isn’t even mentioned, I’m not saying that it is hard.