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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have no idea how to sort this situation?

120 replies

allthegoodusersaretaken · 17/09/2022 11:48

DD is 17 and has just started her second year of college. She's point blank refusing to even start a UCAS application. DH wants to kick her out after college unless she goes to university, which I think is completely unfair especially given the cost of living at the moment. The problem is, he refuses to even consider a compromise - DD has said she might want to go to university after a gap year, I've suggested charging rent once she leaves education (she does have a job but couldn't really afford to live alone on her wage, even if she was working full time), she's said she's considering careers that don't need a degree. He doesn't want to hear it and is now refusing to talk to her as he feels that she's letting us down. I'm at a loss with what to do now, I can't force her to apply to university but DH is refusing to accept any alternative. Anyone else experienced similar?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 17/09/2022 14:05

When I left college I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I took a job waitressing and ended up managing a restaurant. I loved it and flourished. My parents would have preferred me to go to Uni but they said nothing, I carried on living with them and paid them £50 a week. After two years, and I was 20 I decided I wanted to go to uni. I had a couple of grand in the bank by then and I was a lot more mature after two years of working hard in the ‘real world’. My parents were delighted and financially supported me but I worked in the restaurant when it was uni holidays. After I graduated I moved back home for three years, saved up and bought my own place. During that 3 years I paid my mum and dad 50 quid a week again. When I started looking at flats to buy, they gave me 10k towards my deposit, they had been putting aside the rent I gave them to give back to me. Not starting uni doesn’t mean your daughter will become some kind of dosser.

YouSoundLovely · 17/09/2022 14:05

I've no patience with parents such as your dh. She's a person in her own right, not a prize bloody pony.

If she needs a year out to work out which way next, that's absolutely fine (it's also very possible that the Covid disruption is also playing into all this), and I certainly wouldn't say she has to move out either, but she needs, in that time, to do something - be it upping her hours in her current job, getting an additional one, volunteering in an area she is interested in, perhaps doing a paid or unpaid internship. And thinking about and engaging with what's next. That's all I would demand.

Bingbangbongbash · 17/09/2022 14:08

What career is she thinking about? In media, for example, having a degree isn’t necessary but can fast track you. It’s also a lot of fun being at uni and meeting lots of like minded people who could be great contacts throughout your career.

I wish I’d taken a gap year before uni, though.

Jaffapaffa · 17/09/2022 14:08

Part of my job is to do with UCAS applications for young people. If they're uncertain about going, I always advise them to take some time to think about what they want to do - far too many drop out, and still have an enormous debt but no qualification.

I'm all in favour of looking at Higher Level Apprenticeships - one former student started his a fortnight ago. Aged 18, he's earning 19K a year and being funded to do a degree at the same time.

kateandme · 17/09/2022 14:14

Jesus and how he see her diognisis and lazy.fuck a parent who shares that dickhead stigma is tragic.
it just be awful for her living at home with that man.and worse she can’t afford to get out so it must be dread every day for her to wake up knowing it’s another in a house with someone doing this to her self worth.
no wonder she wants to go do a gap year.ever thought it’s to get way from him too.

her reason,with adhd for not being able to do university based learning is a very mature awareness of her condition.
you should both be supporting her in how she can thrive despite this joy shame her more.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 17/09/2022 14:16

He needs to educate himself on ADHD. How dare he call her lazy! She's even more remarkable baring in mind her daily struggles!

Poppyblush · 17/09/2022 14:17

Your dh is vile.

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 17/09/2022 14:18

DH went to uni for a year or so, quit as didn't enjoy it and had to pay back the fees after he started work. He's got a much better job totally different field with qualifications he's taken through his work, nothing to do with uni. He's now on very decent money through hard work and nothing to do with uni.

I'm on an apprenticeship uni degree course so paid for. I started it not for the degree but the line of work which I enjoy. Work full time and uni degree at the same time. It's tough but I enjoy it. Uni isn't everything though.

Godsavetheking2022 · 17/09/2022 14:24

Your DH is being spectacularly unreasonable. Yes she should pay rent and she will work it out, maybe get a good job, take a year out to figure it out.

Summerfun54321 · 17/09/2022 14:24

It doesn’t sound like a uni education taught your DH any empathy or communication skills that he’s desperately lacking. On that basis I’m not sure I’d call his chosen route to adulthood a success.

thenewduchessoflapland · 17/09/2022 14:24

There's a really simple solution to your problem.

Kick the husband out.

Problem sorted.

Signoramarella · 17/09/2022 14:27

I would divorce someone who bullied my child, and I don’t say that lightly.
Actually I did, get away from this man he is a control freak he will ruin both your lives

Fairyliz · 17/09/2022 14:30

Has he always been such a twat?
Your daughter at 17 seems much more mature than him, she is actually thinking carefully about what she wants to do.

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2022 14:36

Someone needs kicking out and it isn't your DD.

Sit down and discuss future plans and options with her (when her arse of a father isn't there)

SoftwareDev · 17/09/2022 14:39

Several of my cousins found themselves on this exact situation. One finished uni with a very niche degree that links to a career she has zero interest in. Was miserable in career for years but parents were so proud! She quit that industry and is now considering a comply change which requires a different degree.

Other cousins lasted a year or so of degrees then dropped out.

I on the other hand took two years out. One to work full time and save money. Another to backpack abroad for a year. I then had way more life experience to pick a suitable degree. Not only did I graduate but I have several post-grad qualifications too.

Based on my family experience I would encourage your daughter to get done real world experience before going to uni.

SoftwareDev · 17/09/2022 14:40

Apologies for typos - in car!

Greyarea12 · 17/09/2022 14:41

He sounds like a bully and it would him I was threatening to kick out for bullying and blackmailing your daughter. Go to university against your will or face homelessness aged 17/18. He sounds horrible. I would be carefully watching for any dips in her mental health if I was you with her being treated this way by her own Dad.

badbaduncle · 17/09/2022 14:43

why doesn't her dad move out, that seems an excellent compromise

Duchess379 · 17/09/2022 14:46

You have a DH problem, not a DD one..

StrikeandRobin · 17/09/2022 14:46

@Tsort you keep ignoring the fact that you are one person who has said it’s worked out for you, ignoring the fact that pp who work with students find it doesn’t work out for many, and others have said it didn’t work out for them.
You are in a minority.

Thelnebriati · 17/09/2022 14:51

Your DH will force you to choose between your DD or him. Start thinking now about who's side you will take because there isn't a nice solution that ends with the 3 of you in a happy family.

FurAndFeathers · 17/09/2022 14:53

Tsort · 17/09/2022 12:11

It is good for me, yes.

Show quote history

Well it’s pretty clear that university didn’t enhance your abilities to consider that what worked for you may not apply universally to every other person. Or your empathy.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/09/2022 14:56

IMO a gap year is a very good idea if she doesn’t know what she wants to do.

But IMO it should ideally involve working and paying something reasonable for her keep - not dossing.

Might add that a job that involves turning up on time, every day, appropriately dressed if that’s relevant, and doing whatever is required, should be very good training in life skills. Plus it will give plenty of time for working out what she does - or doesn’t - want to do in future.

ZenNudist · 17/09/2022 14:58

She needs a plan. Options are: work (and paying rent) with a career in mind so she can move out and support herself, or further study. It's no good saying what she doesn't want to do, she's going to have to say what she does want to do.

Pixiedust1234 · 17/09/2022 15:03

She needs a plan. A proper one. Realistically its either further education or a job. Can she fund her own gap year or is she relying on bank of daddy?

I "forced" my children to stay in education until they came up with a plan that provided them with full independence (so they could eventually leave home). They both have jobs, not careers, but fund themselves/their house and are happy. That is the compromise.