AIBU to have no idea how to sort this situation?

[allthegoodusersaretaken]

DD is 17 and has just started her second year of college. She's point blank refusing to even start a UCAS application. DH wants to kick her out after college unless she goes to university, which I think is completely unfair especially given the cost of living at the moment. The problem is, he refuses to even consider a compromise - DD has said she might want to go to university after a gap year, I've suggested charging rent once she leaves education (she does have a job but couldn't really afford to live alone on her wage, even if she was working full time), she's said she's considering careers that don't need a degree. He doesn't want to hear it and is now refusing to talk to her as he feels that she's letting us down. I'm at a loss with what to do now, I can't force her to apply to university but DH is refusing to accept any alternative. Anyone else experienced similar?

This.

LTB.

I get where your DD is coming from. Degrees are expensive and will commit her to a lot of debt (which I guess she has to deal with and not your DH?).

Gap years can be good. I started university young and left young (at 20) and struggled socially so did not get the most out of it. I worked in the UK for a bit and then did a gap year (well 18 months) which helped me mature and gain confidence. Australia and New Zealand are still doing working holiday visas.

Degrees can be done remotely now whilst working and not just after college. Apprenticeships are gaining value as well.

You best way forward I think is to ensure there is a plan in place. If she is not going to University what are the alternatives? It sounds like she could do with some good careers advice.

Tell him to grow up or fuck off.

I think the reason DH is so set on university is because he didn't really want to go to university, but did anyway and now has a decent job which (at the time) needed a degree. I don't think he quite understands that a) university was free when he went, b) his degree is a STEM subject and DD's A Levels are humanities based, and c) it's actually possible to get into his line of work through apprenticeships which weren't around when he was starting his career. DD also has ADHD which means she really struggles with independent study, so although she's definitely intelligent enough to go to university I agree with her concerns about handling the work but DH thinks she's just lazy and doesn't try hard enough. Just to clarify I won't be kicking her out no matter what, but I also don't want this to cause long term problems.

Another vote for this.

I would divorce someone who bullied my child, and I don’t say that lightly.

“ I don't think he quite understands that a) university was free when he went, b) his degree is a STEM subject and DD's A Levels are humanities based, and c) it's actually possible to get into his line of work through apprenticeships which weren't around when he was starting his career.”

Bullshit.

He either understands it, or hasn’t bothered to think about it / research it / listen to you.

He’s a bully.

Well that's complete nonsense, if her dad is that way she may be better off living alone and doing what she wants. When she's 18 she is an adult, she doesn't have to go to university or do anything she doesn't want to do. If she wants to go straight into a career then what's the problem? She can still work her way up to have a good wage without the degree, plus she won't be in debt. I think it's unreasonable to expect her to go to university. She could always go later on down the line or do one with the open University alongside work.

As to how to sort it?
You continue to have sensible conversations with your daughter, and tell him to jog on.
On the day that she finishes college and he says, “you don’t live here now” you tell him to fuck off.

As long as she is working and contributing towards the household financially then it has nothing to do with your husband. She will be an adult at that time and not everyone wants to get into thousands and thousands of pounds worth of debt - and one of my best friends left school as quick as he could and everyone said he would never amount to anything - he is mid 20’s now and in a high position of a massive company earning around 70k a year. Your husband sounds like a control freak sorry OP.

I'm amazed that your DD has any self confidence left. She sounds as though she is doing well, despite her controlling father, who doesn't understand her disability. Unless he changes his attitude by educating himself, there's nothing you can do except be on her side.

Has he even looked at the cost of uni and who will pay it?
He's being an abusive twat. Support your DD in doing whatever she wants to do.
I had a dad that would give me silent treatment if I didn't do what he wanted and guess what, I've grown up with no respect for him and no relationship with him.

I was pretty much forced to go to uni.

DH left school at 16YO with no qualifications whatsoever.

Both now in our 40s. Guess which one of us now has the most qualifications and earns most.

(Spoiler alert its not me!)

I think you need to consider the longer term implications of your dhs behaviour and the impact that will have on your relationship with your dd

i don’t think I could stay with someone who was so vile to our child tbh

That is a horrible threat to a teenager. That said, I would be discouraging a gap year at age 18, she will get more out of a gap year if she leaves it until she is a bit older.

I would sit down with your husband and agree to a set of non-university rules.
full time work, 30% of income in rent, contributing to household chores, covering own expenses including cell phone, transportation, food, toiletries. (Perhaps off the choice of a flat rate charge for food and basic toiletries just to make life simpler)

basically getting the experience of living life with the job she can get without going to university, but with her rent capped at 30% and in a much nicer place than if she had to move out. So a gentle test of adulthood, but still not the ridiculous token rent many people charge. Since you won’t likely need all the money she is paying you, you will put most of all of it into savings for her.

then once the two of you agree, sit down with your daughter and explain her options. University, working and living at home with a contract that the 3 of you will negotiate, or working and finding her own living arrangement.

At best she'd be unhappy and would scrape an adequate degree in a subject she may not want

This just isn’t true. I was pretty much ‘forced’ to do my degree. And now I’m a lawyer. It worked out fine. It generally does

It worked out for you. It doesn’t work out for everybody. Forcing someone to do, say, a geography degree today is not going to help them if they decide 10 years down the line they want to be a nurse. Geography might work if you want to be a lawyer, however. Can you see that there might be a bigger picture?

Yep.

My DD is very academic and is the same age as yours.
She may not go to Uni, she’s not sure if she wants to, she might go into a field she loves but as a low paid apprentice.
Me and DD both went to Uni and got good degrees etc, DH really wants DD to apply to Oxbridge and I have no doubt she could get a place but we are both fully supportive of what she chooses to do as long as she has some sort of plan. Uni is expensive now and you should only go if you really want to or need to for your career, it’s not for everyone
Your H is being awful

I'd tell him he either stops being a cunt or he'll be the one getting kicked out.

The more you speak about your husband the worse he sounds.

He’s being a controlling bully. Not everyone is suited to University.
Thisnis her life, not his and she seems to know what she wants. As for threatening to throw her out. I’d leave him if he carries this out and take her with me.

This would the start of divorce proceedings for me.

Your husband is an autocrat and a bully.

It doesn’t not work out for everyone. So, to say that “at best she'd be unhappy and would scrape an adequate degree in a subject she may not want” is inaccurate. Can you see that?

What is your husband's problem? Threatening to kick her our is beyond awful. She has to make her own decisions with guidance if wanted. Maybe she wants a job or an apprenticeship.

This goes right back to the idea that 50% of the population should go to university,
promulgated by the government at the time. What there should be, is a broad range of qualifications for a host of different careers and occupations. I don’t believe that 50% either want, or are suited to go to university.

Your daughter may feel differently when she has finished the A levels OP, depending on the results, but forcing her down a route she unsure about isn’t the way to help her make up her mind. Of course , if she’s still unsure next year, she needs to be working and contributing in some capacity, whilst she considers options. Her father’s heavy handed approach is not going to foster a good relationship with her.