AIBU to have no idea how to sort this situation?

[allthegoodusersaretaken]

DD is 17 and has just started her second year of college. She's point blank refusing to even start a UCAS application. DH wants to kick her out after college unless she goes to university, which I think is completely unfair especially given the cost of living at the moment. The problem is, he refuses to even consider a compromise - DD has said she might want to go to university after a gap year, I've suggested charging rent once she leaves education (she does have a job but couldn't really afford to live alone on her wage, even if she was working full time), she's said she's considering careers that don't need a degree. He doesn't want to hear it and is now refusing to talk to her as he feels that she's letting us down. I'm at a loss with what to do now, I can't force her to apply to university but DH is refusing to accept any alternative. Anyone else experienced similar?

Have you considered kicking your dh out instead ? Is your dd his child as well?

Ok, my phrasing was inaccurate. I'll amend it:
At best, she may be extremely lucky and have it work out for her.
Otherwise, she may really struggle and manage to scrape through and leave with a degree that isn't what she really wants.
At worst, she may really struggle severely, and/or drop out and/or fail her course.

I have worked with dozens of students who have struggled when the degree gets hard, because they don't have the drive and ambition for that specific course and because they're doing it for someone else. I see the guilt and unhappiness it causes, and I have seen several students suicidal because of it. The parent doing the forcing needs to hope that their child is one of the lucky ones I suppose!

I read a pure physical science, at a Russell Group university, nearly forty years ago. I would have been better off doing agriculture! Time to think wasn't an option then. For a gap year your DD needs to be earning or learning. If she's earning then she contributes to family finances. Your DH is being unreasonable.

Poor girl. :-(

I was your daughter. Albeit wanting a years after GCSE. My father forced me into a 'vocational' qualification that left me qualified to do nothing, when he found out I'd missed applications for local A-level colleges. This used up my entitlement to FE, my access to HE as a result of the qualification I did get, and I'm now 10 years older than others at my career level and socioeconomically after finally finding the route into my career. Yes there were other contributing factors but he'll, had I been given those 12 months my life could have been so different (and I might not have gone NC with 'D'F in my early 20s).

Support your daughter. There may be things in her life that are further pushing her to a gap year, that you're not fully aware of. One year is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Your husband is an overbearing bully, who is threatening to bully your daughter. You’re colluding with him

Would DD consider the OU? She can build up other qualifications as she goes and work alongside it? Eventually a degree with 4-6 years of work alongside it.

Your husband is an utter fool. But you know that. Support your daughter and tell him he either gets on board or he risks losing his daughter.

Your poor dd have 2 shite parents her dad who is kicking her out and a mother who won’t support her,

Have you asked your DH whether he's willing to fund her throughout her degree - fees, accommodation, food, course requirements, spending money etc? When you add it up, it runs into 10s of thousands (more for things that take longer, like veterinary or medical qualifications)

This.
stupid to attempt a degree if you’re not 100% committed.

I was pressured to go to university, picked a course I knew I was good at but ultimately I ended up hating. I hated every minute of it, and due to the pressure I felt, I pushed myself through the whole degree. I didn’t want let my family down by giving up. I ended up in debt and with very poor mental health. Following the degree I spent years feeling horribly guilty that I was not going to pursue the career in the field I had chosen. Eventually at the age of 25, after considering what I wanted, I ended up going back to uni to study mental health nursing. I now have a great career that I love, but I feel like the path I took to get there was very difficult and unnecessary. She’s so young, she has years to make a decision about her future career.

Your husband sounds like a wanker

He sounds thick, horrible and out-of-touch.

Whether she goes to university or not, your daughter would be well advised to get the hell out of dodge and away from him.

I fully support and recommend gap years, your only young once and everything else waits.

Its stupid to expect 16/18 year old to know what to do with their lives im nearly 35 and DH nearly 40 and we still have no real clue of our lifes calling (I have 2 degrees I dont work in either field and DH dropped out of uni because he realised half way through it was useless).

I only know 2 people who work the field they qualifed for, both in the NHS and neither are well paid most people I know work in totally unrelated jobs to their degree.

The most successful people I know either got jobs and worked their way up or did apprenticeships NOT university.

That said a 'gap year' is NOT living at home, the ENTIRE point is to open your wings, fly the nest and explore the world. I wouldn't have my kid just sitting at home for years doing nothing.

Uni or gap year they are expected to jump and try to fly, returning to the nest is a safety net for emergancies if they faulter while learning not just there as a free full time mooch pad.

No, because I don’t know anyone who thinks their children owe them a degree! Fuck sake. She’s letting her parents down?! Madness. Children don’t owe their parents shit.

A good compromise here would be if your dd did a higher degree apprenticeship. This will combine work experience with gaining a degree so she gets the both of both worlds. My friend's dd is doing a higher degree apprenticeship in mechanical engineering. She's guaranteed a job with the company that's sponsorimg her & a degree at the end of her course.

www.ucas.com/apprenticeships/what-you-need-know-about-apprenticeships/higher-apprenticeships-level-4-and-5

www.gov.uk/government/publications/higher-and-degree-apprenticeships

You sort it by telling your husband not to be such a bullying twat.

Agreed

Wow, I can't imagine my DH feeling such disdain for our DD. What kind of father is he! Sounds like he is really encouraging, labelling her 'lazy'.

Why does there need to be a compromise?

The daughter should do what she wants to do. It's her life, she should have to do something to appease her dad.

DD got a first in her degree last year, top of her class. Can't even get an interview for jobs she wants. In £30k debt.

DS has decided to carry on working in the retail job he got in 6th form. Is on course for a management job, excellent wage, no debts, great prospects.

Go figure which sounds best @allthegoodusersaretaken's H

He’s a man who thinks he has control over a woman’s life.
I actually disagree with other posters and think a gap year should be compulsory for everyone. People can travel or work and save and experience semi adult life. You then apply to uni with actual grades and no guessing or clearing etc. People then decide uni is for them or they do an apprenticeship or want to do something else etc.
So let her know that if she wants to stay at home she’ll be treated as an adult and expected to contribute, I would think it lovely if my adult children wanted to stay.

Your h is being unreasonable. Not all jobs require degrees and some kids are more suited to apprenticeships than further education.

Your dd going to uni to please her father is pointless. I suspect a high likelihood of her dropping out or failing in purpose so she has to come home.

Kicking her out unless she goes to uni is such a medieval attitude to things. I agree that she needs to pay rent.

My dd had a gap year. She wanted a break from studying and earn money before uni. The year off did her a world of good and she's gone back eager to get going.

note that not all subjects allow gap years. If she wants to study a subject that's a continuation of what she studied at school eg maths then unis will want her to go straight away so she doesn't forget stuff in her gap year.

Agree.
Your DH sounds like a controlling twat!