To think you can be single and happy for life

[Newsinglemum58]

I so want to believe this…. But, can you?…

Yes I used to when I was at university and thoroughly enjoyed it, personally i wouldn't enjoy that now but absolutely for those that do it's brilliant.

I’m coming up on 7 years single and I LOVE it. I’ve spent those years crafting my life to be exactly how I want it, for the benefit of me and my kids. It’s been hard work (I started my own business, renovated my house so I can Airbnb it in the summer, invested into friendships, got a dog and started new hobbies, spent the past 2 summers travelling with my kids). I’m now at the point where I can’t see how a relationship could do anything but detract from what I’ve built.

I have a few (hot younger) men friends who I see as and when I want- the only thing I want from them is sex and friendship, so there’s no pressure/expectations to detract from having a lovely time. The freedom and possibilities open to you when you paddle your own canoe are not to be underestimated! X

I don’t know about for life. The relationship thing is such a strong script in our culture that you can feel a bit unmoored when you are single. I sometimes feel that, but also free. I was in an ltr and still ended up being alone at my weakest and most vulnerable, which is one of the main reasons people are tied to ltr’s. It was a harsh life lesson, there are many parts of life that we face alone. In a relationship, you are relying on the personality of the other and that is not always easy to read or judge at the beginning. It happens every day on here, multiple times, partner turns out to be lacking/has unacceptable behaviour/is not the person you thought & how to get through the rest of life.

I can say I’m happier now I’m single, but I’ve had to come to terms with a lot: not having kids, my childhood and how it influenced poor decision-making on my part, confidence. You have to be able to deal with yourself, in a relationship a lot of your issues are offset by the other.

I'd say I'm happily single 90% of the time.

The times when I'm busy with my job and no one there to moan that I should work less.
The times when I'm immersed in my hobbies and can spend hours on them without being told I should spend my time in any other way.
The times when I have intimate mother-daughter chats with my teen who tells me they trust me completely and what a cool mum I am - that has certainly changed from the time I was married.
The times when I go to bed, knowing I'll have a great night's sleep. Or just go to sleep at 8pm because I'm exhausted and no one is there to tell me I'm being selfish.
The times when I spend ages in one shop without having anyone nag me to move on.

Sometimes I'm still sad. Mostly sad at never having been worthy enough in the eyes of any of my partners of being treated with sheer kindness, or just being good enough in myself.

Some days it gets lonely, like last night when I had a huge nightmare, woke up crying, hyperventilating and with a migraine starting, and there was no one who could help because the world was, at 3am, oblivious to my moment of pain.

But then I know that it's a sad reality that I could probably never find a partner who treats me differently - childhood trauma sits too deply and no amount of therapy seems to make a difference in my poor choice of partners.

So, in the long run, I always return back to my place of happiness.

And now I am off to paint.

I think it depends on your personality.

I have always been very I dependent and maybe a little selfish in the respect of, if I want to buy something or go somewhere then I’ll do it.

I was with my husband 15yrs. We have been separated now nearly 5yrs. No awful separation- we just want different things out of life. I’m 45.

I can honestly say I am the most content I have been in years. I like the fact I have no other adult to take into consideration in everything I do (I have a 7yo daughter though!).

I won’t lie, now and again I think about having a partner and think I miss it. Then reality hits and I’m like, nope.. I like my life. Whether that feeling lasts forever or not, who knows, but for now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,

That's fine if you have children. A lot of single women don't.

But being hugged by a friend is completely different from a long hug from a partner.

A "long hug from a partner" isn't something you want when you're happily single. What don't you get about this?

In a relationship, you are relying on the personality of the other and that is not always easy to read or judge at the beginning. It happens every day on here, multiple times, partner turns out to be lacking/has unacceptable behaviour/is not the person you thought & how to get through the rest of life

Exactly. People always talk about the security of being in a relationship, about the knowledge that someone will always be there for you and have your back etc, whereas I think relationships are quite the opposite of secure, you’re putting your happiness, hopes and dreams in the hands of one person who could pull the rug from underneath you and walk away tomorrow. Why leave yourself so vulnerable?

This makes no sense. Many people deliberately decline opportunities to be in a relationship. Why would they need to convince themselves that this is what they want when it's actively chosen?

it's true. I realise I made myself unhappy looking for a relationship that would stick. It never did. I've stopped trying and I feel so much happier. None of the relationships that didn't last were ever that good. They were all self-absorbed if not selfish, or I was lowering my bar anyway, and then half the time they'd dump me!!! It was a weird self-esteem lowering decade, two decades. Go out with somebody, realise they drink too much, revert with some relief, always! to being single only to then take a risk again and go out with somebody new before realising, he's never going to be faithful, reverting with relief to the ease of being single......... rinse repeat, ad infinitum until the penny dropped, I had been happier while I was single. But kept trying again and again for some reason.

A friend with benefits would be great once I’m in a better head space and have plenty more time for my son and I but where would you go about finding one?!?! Am so out of the loop 😅

@Inamess2022 There are loads of apps, tinder, bumble etc. But you MUST keep your wits about you!!!

Ha thanks! I’m nowhere near in that headspace yet but good tips for a year or so 😅Rather not meet another dickhead already had two of them 😅

@MrsSkylerWhite

As in no relationship ever?

I’m not being mean, I’m looking for an inspiration.

I need to know it’s okey to be life-long single.

People always talk about the security of being in a relationship, about the knowledge that someone will always be there for you and have your back etc, whereas I think relationships are quite the opposite of secure, you’re putting your happiness, hopes and dreams in the hands of one person who could pull the rug from underneath you and walk away tomorrow.

This is spot on.

But also I think being in a series of LTRs doesn't do much for your personality or character. To truly know yourself and what you really like, deep down, you have to have spent a decent chunk of time alone.

I have known a lot of women in my life who have just got lost in marriage: they have become so wrapped up in being wives, mothers, carers and facilitators that they haven't had time to think and be for themselves for so long and they've lost the muscle. Some of these women have just started to emerge from these marriages (late 40s/early 50s) and they are like butterflies coming out of chrysalises. They are discovering hobbies and interests and opinions that they just didn't have time for when they were busy being wives and mothers and are developing themselves in a way which is wonderful to behold.

Part of that is time, obviously. If you have small children, and particularly if you also have a job, you just don't have time or energy to do much. But its also the deadening effect of having to tailor yourself to a man and his needs and expectations.

It's so rare IMHO to find men who genuinely want their partners to be all they can be. Most of them are threatened by women who want to fill their time with interests, hobbies, socialising and travel beyond a certain point. They expect the marriage and children to be enough to sustain them. Even the relatively progressive ones seem not to encourage their womenfolk to be the best they can be.

There are exceptions to this but in my experience this is frighteningly common. And women just get tired of this and want to branch out and be themselves again.

Thepeopleversuswork brilliant post and am in agreement with everything you’ve said. I’m 42 and I cannot wait to have the space and time to discover my wants, needs and desires again and to just place emphasis on other things such a my lovely female friends and doing well at work. I have a seven year old son who I adore but I’m lucky in the respect that he sees his dad as well so I now intend to use that time for my own benefit now not being dictated to by a man and his Netflix obsession!!

I’m the same no more crap music he’s in the pub again well that’s up to him but he’ll won’t have much money he’s not a big drinker but not my problem now at least he’s being sensible about bills getting ready for when I leave. (Prays all goes well) I also think as time goes by his parents will poison any friendship it will just die not nasty but get gradually get less and less. They can pick up the pieces I’m worn out.

*That's fine if you have children. A lot of single women don't.

But being hugged by a friend is completely different from a long hug from a partner.*

And there will be women out there that have parents and siblings and maybe other family close by that they get hugs from. I don't get those. I can't and don't talk for everyone - hence why I asked the question. My examples were exactly that - mine.

And being hugged by a friend isn't necessarily much different than a long hug from a partner. I have one friend in particular who's hugs are just as good as any I've had from a partner, and a relatively new colleague gives a damn good hug too.

@Thepeopleversuswork so true, I feel the value of the equilibrium I enjoy as a single person, and every time I optimistically tried again, I jeopardised that.
I agree that very few men want you to be everything you can be.

I definitely could. I'm not single but I really liked being single when I was and often crave peace