Is grit and resilience really the answer?

[Grittymadness]

The DC's school has been doing lots and lots of work on the importance of having emotional grit and resilience. Growth mindset and determination to achieve.

There seems such a focus on this in schools and I have a problem with it I'm struggling to articulate. It's like it's all down to the individual - if your not achieving or coping you just need to toughen up, work harder etc. (This is hard to process when say your child has learning difficulties, poor mental health etc).

Does anyone else agree, or am I just being overly sensitive and need a bit of resilience myself 😂

Totally agree OP and I had this same feeling when my kids had this going on endlessly at primary. It actually became a running joke it was so relentless. I’d ask what they did at school and DS would roll his eyes and say “bloody RESILIENCE again”.

Now I do think resilience and grit are useful qualities that will help you in life if you have them to call on. I’m tough as old boots myself having grown up in an awful home situation and had to take responsibility for myself early on.

but what if you don’t have it? What if your situation or an event (bereavement, abuse, assault etc) is so bad that you quite reasonably don’t have the resilience to cope, especially as a child, and genuinely do need rescuing? It runs completely counter to saying it’s ok to ask for help, admit you’re not coping, open up about mental pain etc. As PPs say it puts the blame on a child if they are struggling or find it hard to bounce back from something- and it’s going to be the more sensitive kids who will internalise it and blame themselves.

to me it’s an absolutely classic phenomenon in education - something is identified as a helpful quality or a good thing, becomes the prevailing buzzword, then get forced down everyone’s throat for years with no sense of moderation or whether it’s actually a good idea, or any sane thought given to unintended consequences.

and yes I was that parent who raised this with school (very politely) and got looked at like I just landed from mars,

Stress is part of life, exam stress etc, nerves about an upcoming event, all normal, but no, its because they have anxiety and so measures need to be put in to manage it.

I think that’s a really uninformed comment. Lots of parents and kids know the difference. I have one child that gets a normal level of ‘worry’ over things. Then I have another who has anxiety and potentially a shit load of other stuff. Until you have dealt with it and had people, including schools, trying to minimise it, you won’t realise how irritating it is to have people say this. I know the difference as do many, many parents. My anxious child is so much more fucking resilient than people who make these stupid comments because so many things are a battle for her, the things many take for granted. And the reason why they have to be diagnosed is because otherwise there is no help, often not even any fucking understanding.

@maddening the emphasis on resilience doesn’t/shouldn’t mean eradicating sensitive people but when it’s championed above other skills/traits I think it can have the effect of pathologizing a more sensitive but honest emotional responses to a situation. I think that is usually as a result of misunderstanding resilience and grit, quite often it the people who emotionally “bend” more easily in the short term, who manage to not break in the long term.

I actually think those who have had difficulties in their childhoods actually turn out often to be more resilient. Be those problems poverty or difficult families, they learn to cope from an early age. I know I did.

I understand there are different reasons for lack of resilience of course but I feel not having to develop it as a youngster for some children has a more pronounced effect than for those that have had to.

I think its a good thing to know its ok to make mistakes and try again. I also think its a good idea to learn some strategies for dealing with problems and I think this is teachable.

But resilience is really about how structures and societies bounce back so its odd to put it on individuals. Eg. The nhs wasnt very resilient. It was short staffed and underequipped and relied heavily on free movement of people, it operated at near full capacity without a bad flu year, let alone covid. The people in it were/are resilient.

I think it’s really needed and a good thing. It’s not about telling them they are no good if they aren’t coping, it’s about teaching them to cope and that it’s ok to feel stressed and anxious sometimes as they are normal feelings and how to deal with this. It’s about equipping them for the workplace and life in general.

There’s been a noticing change in recent graduates at work compared to those 5-10 years ago. They are struggling with normal deadlines, asking for extra time a lot, not willing to put up their hand and volunteer for jobs that need to doing or anything extra over their standard job roles or hours. They are going to struggle to progress and gain more responsibility. The company pays decent salaries (£30k graduate start salary) so it’s not asking loads for no money.

I get you OP! It just sounds like lazy schooling with no pastoral care under the misnomer of 'building grit and resilience'. The people who REALLY have to build that stuff, like military generals and coaches, know the biology behind it...a drop drip drip of high stress school expectations with no real support for those who are struggling, no genuine coaching, etc, is just crap work that makes stress hormones go too high, interfere with sleep, etc, and make kids feel shit about themselves. You build resilience systematically.

I HATE how people throw around the word resilience!! I'm all for resilience when it's done well though. One of my son's scout masters was amazing, he was ex army and had high standards and believed all the kids could do ANYTHING and then pushed them to, but in such an amazing way where no-one was made to feel like crap, and to feel like if they'd truly tried their best they were little heroes. It was so cool to watch. I've not seen it again. He definitely had a strategy for it.

Its so interesting reading everyone's responses!
I have less exposure to the child side of things, so a question to teachers: if you look around at adults you know, what signs of a lack of resilience do you see and do they differ from what you are seeing in children and teenagers?

Resilience isn’t just gritting your teeth and toughening up though.
Good teaching on resilience will cover the importance of support, relationships, kindness to others and self kindness. It will also cover what to do in bullying situations to stop the situation.
it should also cover the fact resilience ebbs and flows and too many external things at once (or one big thing like bereavement) naturally affect our resilience.

I actually think those who have had difficulties in their childhoods actually turn out often to be more resilient. Be those problems poverty or difficult families, they learn to cope from an early age. I know I did.

I agree with this. I also had to learn it at a young age due to a difficult childhood and it’s really helped me in adulthood. Those who have had good childhoods with little stress haven’t had the same experiences and unless taught it won’t have the same coping mechanisms.

People have natural resilience when they have hope for the future.

So perhaps schools should work more on developing that, instead of terrifying primary aged children with doom laden messages about the climate, politics and society.

Particularly for neurodivergent children, the combination of certain elements of the curriculum plus this focus on ‘resilience’ is toxic.

Also totally agree with PPs about apparent resilience, especially in kids, not being the whole story as it can cover up deep distress and “bottling up”. I hate it when traumatic things happen and people say “oh kids are resilient, they’ll get over it”. No, they have more plasticity and are more likely to internalise trauma and accept it as what happens, and it will stay with them, even if they do keep playing and laughing sometimes.

You might think that but you are completely wrong, all research points the other way.

I can understand why what is happening with your child might be making you want to think this way, but you are making me feel quite cross by minimising the awful impacts of what those in poverty have to put up with.

Poverty is damaging. Glorifying it as something that toughens a few people up is really quite offensive.

This is very interesting because I agree that climate change is a big factor in how negative people feel, it affects younger people more because they will live with more of it.

But what is the answer - would you like to lie to children about climate change? Or do more as a society to demonstrate we are dealing with it?

It is hard to hide reality from children and doing so leads to other, different problems when they find out they were lied to, so I don't know what the answer is but I think climate concerns are affecting young people - they affect me and I am middle aged!

I had a horrible childhood and was full of anxiety underneath but no one would have known. If I’d have broken, things would have been much worse for me at home so I became what people described as a resilient, independent, mature child. I ‘coped’, which to me meant never ever telling anyone I was struggling or asking for any help from anyone. At school resilience was good, getting on was good, anything else was a problem. Same at home.

After having my first child, everything came crashing down and I needed real help. Lots of therapy later, I’m more resilient than most I know, actually resilient, not just trained to not ask for help even when completely overwhelmed. Lots of people would not cope with as adults, what I coped with as a child. People need a healthier attitude to mental health, there’s still shame in ‘not coping’, we have a ridiculous ‘must carry on’ attitude. I’m doing so well now becauseamongst other things I’ve learnt, I’m not scared to say if I need a bit of time out.

@Madamecastafiore and @carefullycourageous I think you're both right...I also developed a lot of resilience from a bad home life growing up, as @Madamecastafiore - I also agree with the research, but I think the distinction is how one learns to deal with it, and whether those coping strategies were healthy and beneficial over the life span. I still feel very very lucky I found happy positive coping strategies that basically rescued me (too outing to say), which was luck more than anything, geographic location, lots of reasons really. But lots of kids in the same situation won't stumble across their answer and of course then it's much more damaging as there isn't that outlet for the cumulative stress.

I know what you mean OP. I remember crying in the hallway of the hospital, on day three following a traumatic birth. The matron told me to pull my socks up! She really meant shut up and stop embarrassing the hospital.

I think social media is very bad for mental health of the young. Pre-internet, I could say something stupid in school and it would be forgotten about the next day. Now it's on the internet forever, commented on, memes, etc.

I think there is a balance between feeling your feelings, and then saying ok, l have to do this essay now, or whatever it is. We culturally, are not very good at emotions. My grandparents pretended they don't have emotions, though they always leak out, don't they.

Read an amazing fiction book the author commented that only children from privileged backgrounds whined about things being “not fair”. Those from troubled families don’t because they have already learned life isn’t fair. Really stayed with me.

It’s about trying to find a way through difficult situations and having strategies in place to deal with them as best as possible. It does feel like this is sorely lacking and there’s definitely an increase in peoples ability to cope. The go to in my workplace for particular age groups is if they have done something wrong and can’t deal with consequences is to cry and break down when realistically they could apologise and see how to rectify it. A friends DD saw me and spent 45 mins crying because she had fallen out with her BF over the crap present he bought her and her mother wasn’t answering the phone. I mean it was a complete over the top exaggeration and she couldn’t stop, it was like the world had ended. It makes me worry for the moment she has to deal with something like losing a job and having no income. Resilience really is lacking.

I can’t see post quoted but the point re ND dc finding the combination hard is interesting and I can see how that might be the case

For my dc they seem to respond well, the middle dc in particular and I have heard him talk about growth mindset where a mistake may have previously upset him

Yes, I am good at picking myself up and carrying on, i’ll get things done even when it’s hard, I’m good at being where the buck stops. But I’m not necessarily super well adjusted and mentally healthy. I’m a terrible worrier, have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and some attachment issues where I find it hard to let friends get close. I remember at 14 realising I had to look after myself because no one else was going to, and that got me through, but it’s far from ideal and not what I’d want for my kids.

learning to keep trying at things, deal with setbacks and manage your stress is useful but if they’re being taught as such, it should be part of a general strategy that allows for different situations and personalities- not just “Be resilient!”

I find this ironic as when my son was diagnosed with an anxiety and panic disorder age 13 , the school only made things 100 times worse. Schools, especially secondary ones, need to take a long hard look at themselves, because in my experiance this is what is causing alot of anxiety.
The school system as it is is failing lots of students because of its one box fits all mentality.
There is next to little or no real help in the UK if your child has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and l read that the success rates re CBT are as little as seventeen percent.
Teachers are often off with stress or complaining non stop about it, yet what they are preaching here is shut up and get on with it because no doubt that makes their job easier.

Thanks for the replies they are really useful. I guess it feels like if your not coping (say you have poor mental health) it's your fault. You need to build up your resilience and keep trying and overcome it. If yo can't do that it's because you are weak and stopped trying.

if that is really what the school are teaching (or how it is coming across) it needs to be addressed because it's wrong.

Resiliance is not bursting into tears every time something goes slightly wrong. It is trying again if you do something badly or wrong, it is about knowing when and where to ask for help if you need it - not because you CBA trying something. And so on.

It is also knowing when to spot the MH issues and where and how to handle/copw with/treat it.

carefullycourageous I'm by no means glorifying poverty. I'm saying those who have had to deal with difficult situations, especially at a young age, often build resilience, sadly because there often isn't a choice. But that isn't always a bad thing.

Yes this @carefullycourageous

do more as a society to demonstrate we are dealing with it

Climate messaging is such a complex thing (this has been my line of work in the past), and we are still learning about the interchange between messaging and human reactions/behaviour. We shouldn’t be ‘testing’ this on young developing minds.