To think that life is for enjoying?

[feathersanddust]

I start this thread tentatively and am more than aware (as a social worker myself) of the different and difficult circumstances of peoples lives. I understand that people battle obstacles and live terrible experiences on a daily basis.

However, am I being unreasonable in saying that the secret to being happy in life is to do with mindset (not in extreme circumstances obviously). I was depressed/anxious for many years. In the past five years I have worked hard at changing my thought processes. I no longer care what people think of me, I no longer obsess over what I look like and this has led to less anxiety which was very much social.

I find myself excited and appreciating the small things in life. For instance, I am back at uni doing a course, and I don't enjoy public transport but makes more sense to get the train to uni than drive and instead of looking at this as a negative I've been enjoying it. Getting a coffee and doing some reading on the train, or enjoying the view. I have been studying and instead of just doing it because I have to I find joy in it, it's a privilege to be able to study.

I enjoy the little things in life like a hot shower, an amazing coffee, a nice walk, my bed, a television programme, getting lost in a book, spending time with my daughter and my dogs. I no longer walk along the street with my head down hurrying on by. I actually take my time and look about and I feel grateful, truly grateful.

Don't get me wrong I have bad days like everyone but even on my bad days I still have things I appreciate, even if it's just crawling into my bed at the end of the day. It still gives me contentment and comfort to think about.

I was on the train today and was looking out the window and I just had this fuzzy happy feeling in my stomach of pure contentment and joy and I thought to myself, 'what's changed from five years ago?' And I honestly think it's because I choose to be happy. I started seeing the everyday things that people take for granted as a privilege.

Even being able to walk down the street is a privilege many people would love to be able to do but can't.

So AIBU to think that happiness (in SOME cases) is a case of mindset?

You've got two statements there which I think are conflicting:

However, am I being unreasonable in saying that the secret to being happy in life is to do with mindset (not in extreme circumstances obviously).

So AIBU to think that happiness (in SOME cases) is a case of mindset?

I agree with the second one, but not the first. In a small number of cases (but not most, and certainly not all those barring extreme circumstances) mindset can help.

If you have good health, a good support network, a decent home environment, a job that pays you enough to live on and which doesn't make you dread Mondays, then yes, you will find it easier to just buck your ideas up. For many people, sadly, even those things don't help.

There are so, so many factors that lead to poor mental health. Some are extreme, but most are things that many people experience at some point in their lives. And sometimes you can have it all, and be resilient, and positive, and it's still not enough. As a social worker, you really should know this!

Oh Piss off?

OP clearly said in some cases.

Bet you’re fun to talk to IRL.

She made it very clear, right there in her OP.
And yet the vipers nest still empties to hiss and attack her for dare suggesting it.

I get what you mean OP. I’m my case I was a huge naval gazer and often counted my misfortunes in life and seasoned it with guilt over being such a failure … the could’ve wouldve should’ve … plus the why me? Mindset with various health issues and whatnot. I’ve slowly learned to adjust my mindset and think ‘fuck it’ this is it. These are my days , I’m genetically programmed to last another 30 years at most so I definitely savour the small pleasures in life, don’t sweat the small stuff and lark about having fun as a scruffy laid back sort of person now , I work hard and parent the best I can but I live in the moment and smile and chat to strangers while the laundry piles up and the lawn goes unmowed in favour of baking and dancing with my kids. The painkillers help alot I hasten to add .

Pot, kettle there @Quincythequince

People here have overwhelmingly given nuanced answers, recognizing that people with quite settled lives can chose this, but others face greater barriers. OP asked a question and people are teasing out what that means and in what circumstances that applies.

Can’t really see how your really very personal attack on posters is justified!

@Quincythequince that's not what I saw. I saw a lot of measured responses, some agreeing, some disagreeing, and some expressing irritation at what is, to be fair, a pretty simplistic interpretation of the cause(s) of poor MH.

If you see a nest of spitting snakes in this thread, dare I suggest a more positive mindset might help you...

Perspective does matter for sure. I was a bit of an anxious catastrophiser pre kids and I didn't want that to be passed to them from my behaviour so I've worked really hard to shift my perspective and not sweat the small stuff, as it were. It works most of the time and I am happier now definitely, but it's taken quite a lot of self-examination and picking apart why I am how I am to get there (and obviously I am fortunate not to have any mental health issues to contend with).

What you do see quite a lot of on here is that some people are determined to see the worst in everything and everyone: friends and relatives out to get them, they're being conned, swindled, taken advantage of. Sometimes that might be true, but quite often I read the issue and think 'so what 🤷‍♀️?' I'd say a big proportion of AIBU angst on here boils down to real trivialities that aren't really worth worrying about.

It must be quite a miserable way to live to be always assuming the worst of everyone's actions, so that would definitely spill over into your overall happiness I think.

Have you recently left social work?

That’ll do it 😉

Yes and no. Mindset is important so are structural factors. For example you need enough money for basic needs, food, warmth, shelter etc. You need to be free from abuse. You can be the most positive person ever, but if you are being exploited or abused it will chip away at you as a person. When I was in a bad relationship my toxic positivity kept me there as I kept trying to see the best in him.

So I am a big believer in the Tony Robbins motivational stuff but I also don't like the philosophy that projects all dysfunction onto individuals. Structural and societies inequalities have a big part to play. That's why the happiest countries tend to be the most equal. I.e Finland. So I think you can push mindset whilst also being sensitive to structural issues which cannot change overnight often. Good discussion though.

I agree to an extent but a lot can depend on circumstances and what your support network is like. I suffered badly with anxiety and depression as a teen and had very few coping skills. Now as an adult I've had the hardest few years of my life and somehow managed to cope very well. Ive worked hard to keep on top of mental health for the sake of my family but god it was tough. I really feel for anyone whose struggling at the minute these are tough times we live in 😢.

I scrolled and read first few responses and eventually went 🙄

OP hasn’t give a simplistic response to anything. She has suggested for some people, this is all it takes.
Some!
And she’s probably right.

I agree with the above poster who said that the world we live in causes problems.

The 'system', for want of a better word is set up to have us constantly unhappy with some element of our lives in order to keep us consuming, so generally many people are unhappy with what they have/don't have, how they look etc, because 'stuff' is constantly in our faces, ie ads for beauty, bettering yourself financially, emotionally, having the best car, the biggest house.

I think only when you are simply happy with what you have and the way you look, can you be truly content really. This isn't to say that you can't want more for yourself, but too many people continue to go after more to keep up appearances.

She's certainly not wrong about that part, but I can see how the rest of the post is worded in a way that would get people's backs up.

It's hard to explain, but it might help if I give an example. Let's say I start a thread titled 'AIBU to think that well paid jobs are better?'

Then I launch into a detailed story about how I was in a minimum wage job, but I decided I needed more money, so I kept on applying for better paid jobs until I got one. Now I can afford all sorts of things I couldn't before, and the cost of living crisis doesn't really worry me.

Then I finished with 'AIBU to think that SOME people could get better paid jobs if they really tried?'

Nothing about that would be untrue exactly - there will always be some people who could get a better paid job. However, a post like that is going to really piss off people who can't, and who are struggling. Even if it wasn't aimed at them, and even if it was well intentioned (which I'm sure this is).

I don’t think this analogy is remotely comparable tbh, and a simplistic comparison.

Still, some (SOME) people
want to blame everyone else for their misery and don’t think they should have to do anything about it.

That’s just how it is.

Did I not make it clear in my OP that it couldn't be generalised to everyone?

Oh good grief. Why do this when you know what the reaction will be???

Enjoy your newfound happiness, however you come by it. But have some self awareness as to how this comes across.

I'm really getting a strong vibe here that most of us on this thread have a healthier mindset than you. But I'm sure that's just because I'm another one of those awful, toxic vipers and you're just too Zen for my snakey brain.

I think happiness comes from having a purpose. Rather than just enjoying oneself all the time.

@feathersanddust I would say that your attitude to life sounds very much like the approaches and mindsets you are encouraged to have in Mindfulness.

I agree with this largely...in a previous line of work I have met people who are honestly just miserable moaners- despite having many positives they are unable to see them or appreciate them. Some, most were lonely but it is no wonder that they have no friends or that their adult children no longer want to visit them when all they would do is moan and groan. If they could reflect on why they are lonely they might realise it's actually their own doing.

But some people just seem to face shit circumstances time and time again (loss of loved ones, tragedies, illness, loss of independence, domestic abuse) and are dealt with the worst hand over and over and never get a break, and for these situations, mindset can only go so far.

I have perfectly healthy mindset.
Am fortunate to have good mental health, and can make the comparison from when it’s been low.

Most people don’t have diagnosable poor mental health, and quite often people can just do better for themselves. Smal changes make a difference
Not agreeing with the eyeore response from the initial few posters, which I have clearly said I am referring to, doesn’t make my mindset worse than other who go ‘ok then 🙄’

Never called you a toxic viper, nor said you had a snakey brain. How is this suddenly about you explicitly?

Ans when did I say I was zen?

Being a bit 🙄 about a barb re saving the NHS millions or being on drugs, does not make someone zen.

I really don’t understand your of your on the word ‘some’ here, as if because OP used that it means everyone else is unreasonable ( and a viper, no less!) for replying anything other than ‘yeah you’re right’. Well obviously some people can. I don’t think anyone has argued against that. But just saying, ‘yeah you’re right some can’ does not make for an interesting thread. In fact, it makes for a pointless thread and presumably app started it because she wanted more discussion than that.

What people have replied with are posts to pull apart that ‘some’, ie the circumstances where people can and can’t ‘fix’ things with mindset alone.

i don’t realise understand why that has hacked you off so much!

You are absolutely right, it is a mindset. Thank you for sharing this, it's rare to read something positive and uplifting on MN these days 😂🙏

<Sigh> I was being lighthearted. You got disproportionately upset about a fairly moderate thread. I'm not the only person who has pointed that out.

It's actually a good debate, which seems to be rare these days.