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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you never worked again, would your mental health suffer?

119 replies

EmptySpacess · 15/09/2022 11:17

Currently a SAHM to a young child, and thought about continuing to be when they go to school. But I'm now thinking perhaps it's not all it's cracked up to be. Personally if I have too much free time on my hands, my mind starts doing overtime and I can have lots of negative thoughts. I'm now thinking it's probably best to keep very busy. Is this just me or are many people like this? They say an idle mind is the devils playground. And yes I know you can fill your time doing things but everyone else would be working, so you would be on your own a lot.

OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 15/09/2022 11:17

Yes.

Mabelface · 15/09/2022 11:19

Nope, it would massively improve.

sumosaussage · 15/09/2022 11:20

God yes

I actually went back to work early on all my mat leaves because I got so bloody bored and my brain started to turn to mush

Topgub · 15/09/2022 11:20

Absolutely

mynameiscalypso · 15/09/2022 11:20

100%. I've had periods off work for mental health reasons before but it's always an absolute last resort because, on the whole, the structure and purpose is what gets me out of bed in the morning.

DouglasTea · 15/09/2022 11:21

Yes, but I only know this because it suffered when I was a sahm. I really believed I was best for my children (and I was) but the loss of my self was really tough and my mental health is so much better since I started working (part time) again.

26twentysix · 15/09/2022 11:22

In the scenario you describe i.e. SAHM to school age children, yes it would. I would struggle longterm with the situation of dependency I put myself in and would get very bored.

If I won the lottery: maybe. I don't know that I would quit my job, but maybe take a break/work more part-time. Do lots of travelling with my child. Would definitely have to find another 'worthwhile' way to fill my days longer term though, e.g. extensive charitable work. Not just PTA kind of stuff, but something that felt 'important' to me.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/09/2022 11:23

Yes. Even on the odd days which seem a thousand hours long because elements of my job are incredibly tedious, I still love the interaction with ferociously clever but also terribly nice colleagues and that I’m working in a fab building in the bustle of the City and can skip out at lunchtime into picture postcard London. I know people say that if they didn’t have to work they’d do lots of other stuff to occupy themselves instead; but all the retired people I know seem to spend most of their time sitting at home rather than actually doing all the stuff they said they would when they weren’t working.

NotLactoseFree · 15/09/2022 11:24

I think about this often and I know that I absolutely would be just fine if I never worked again.

YOu'll be surprised how many people are around. I have many friends who work part time or are SAHM.

For me, if I never had to work again the main difference between now and that glorious imaginary world is that life would be a lot stressful. Right now, I often feel like I have at least 2 full time jobs - my actual paid job and the job of managing life outside of work. And that's with a DH who takes on plenty. The option to only have 1 job would be glorious s o that I didn't feel like I was constantly RUSHING.

Right now, I am, admittedly, on MN. But I've done 2 conference calls, responded to multiple emails this morning as well as got kids up and ready for school. I've got a large piece of work to complete and have to look over all the planning that has been done by my team because they can't actually start the work involved until I sign off. Meanwhile, at the back of my head I'm wondering whether I can fit in taking DD to her swimming lesson as DH isn't feeling 100% and so isn't keen on being in the pool and am also thinking about whether I should prepare tomorrow's dinner over today's lunch because I won't have much time between school run and the DC's activity.

Tomorrow is supposed to be my day off for house admin etc, and yet I've already got two calls booked in over lunch and have to attend an event at the DC"s school in the morning.

The above is actually an example of a relatively quiet week. I have been busy at work but home stuff has largely been ticking over (except when I was late taking DD to bed because DH was at work and a client emailed me an urgent thing at 7pm...)

Suzi888 · 15/09/2022 11:24

No😂

I’d walk dogs all day long and not a single fuck would be given!

If I had to a sahm to a little one -absolutely! Everyone needs a break, even if you don’t work.

mountainsunsets · 15/09/2022 11:25

Nope!

abovedecknotbelow · 15/09/2022 11:25

I could give up work quite happily, but not to be a SAHM. That would have sent me over the edge when the kids were small and I went back P/T early.

If I had enough money to do what I wanted and keep up a bit of mentoring / volunteering now the kids are older that would be great.

girlfriend44 · 15/09/2022 11:26

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/09/2022 11:23

Yes. Even on the odd days which seem a thousand hours long because elements of my job are incredibly tedious, I still love the interaction with ferociously clever but also terribly nice colleagues and that I’m working in a fab building in the bustle of the City and can skip out at lunchtime into picture postcard London. I know people say that if they didn’t have to work they’d do lots of other stuff to occupy themselves instead; but all the retired people I know seem to spend most of their time sitting at home rather than actually doing all the stuff they said they would when they weren’t working.

You must be talking to the wrong people then
There's more stuff than ever for retired people now. U3a and Walking Sports is just an example
Lots of people like to go away more too

Bonjovispjs · 15/09/2022 11:26

Nope, I'm counting down the years till I can retire, can't bloody wait!

SudocremOnEverything · 15/09/2022 11:27

It depends, I think.

If I were rich to the extent that I could do whatever I liked, I don’t think it would matter so much. I’d fill up my weeks with loads of stuff that kept me active and busy and such like. I wouldn’t miss work. And if I did, I’d volunteer. I’d organise childcare to facilitate whatever I needed, so that wouldn’t be a worry.

There are other pressures that mean being a SAHM might negatively affect one’s mental health. But, equally, working can very negatively affect your MH. I’ve had jobs that nearly destroyed me - dreadful, bullying atmospheres and cultures, ridiculous pressure - but had to keep going because I couldn’t afford not to be working.

Mostly, I think it depends on many things.

10HailMarys · 15/09/2022 11:27

Assuming that I could maintain a reasonable standard of living, my mental health would improve loads if I didn't have to work. I have absolutely no problem occupying myself and finding things to do with my time. The whole time I'm working I'm usually thinking about all the better things I could be doing instead. I do like my job but I could do a lot more interesting and enjoyable things and have a much nicer living environment if I didn't spend 40 hours a week working.

ChimChimeny · 15/09/2022 11:29

Like a couple of PPs have said, it depends on circumstances. if I came into a load of cash and could stop working without any worries I would but I'd volunteer to keep myself busy.

In your circumstances I would want to work (and do) albeit part time. I'm friends with a SAHM who loves it (both DC at primary) but she never had a career and wasn't keen on working anyway. She now has a dog and sometimes looks after friends' DC so keeps herself busy. Personally I love working part time, day off in the week to get boring house stuff done, pick DD up from school everyday but keep my mind busy with a fairly challenging career-type job.

ChimChimeny · 15/09/2022 11:32

Also think long term, what will your pension provision be like if you never work again or have a long time out of the workforce. The longer the gap potentially the harder to get back into work as well. My SAHM friend's husband definitely feels the pressure to have enough of a pension to support them both.

NerdyBird · 15/09/2022 11:34

I'd be fine not working, especially as a mum of school age kids, it's the dream! Once they were older I'd probably want something to do, but that could be volunteering or studying or something.

Sadly it's not going to happen unless I win the lottery!

MrsAvocet · 15/09/2022 11:36

Depends on circumstances.
I had to retire early due to ill health, which obviously brings issues of its own, but now things are more stable for me, no, I don't really miss work. And I had a well paid and fulfilling senior role so I thought I would.
But I am fortunate to have enough money to do things I enjoy, I do loads of very rewarding volunteering, my children are past the stage of being completely dependent on me and we do lots of enjoyable things together. So life is actually pretty good.
Butif I didn't have financial security or lots of adult company i think I'd hate it.

russelstrussels · 15/09/2022 11:36

It depend on how you fill your day and how much money you have to enjoy your time off. I became a sahm because I found raising dc and working too much.
I got time to get my hair done my nails done, I have a hobby I have so much time to peruse now. Found other sahm to hang about with and go to coffee or lunch. Am having a nice time and don't miss working at all.
Hated having to attempt to fit a life in around school and work but now I have time. I find the school run forces a routine so I have to be up and ready by a certain time and get things done by the afternoon pick up. If you think you couldn't stick to a routine as a result of being a sahm and your mh depends on routing then no I would assume it would not be great for your mh.

NeurologyLady · 15/09/2022 11:38

I started a thread about this yesterday. I lost my job to redundancy and I'm going crazy at home.

My mental health takes a huge nose dive when I'm out of work and I'm absolutely hanging on by a thread. It took me ages to escape depression last time (valium, therapy, antidepressants).

I'm obsessing over my job hunt because I'm so lonely and sad at home. My hobbies don't fill the void. I just feel so isolates and hopeless.

Being in work, no matter how many hours a week is brilliant for your mental health.

I hope I find one soon 🙏

Liskee · 15/09/2022 11:38

After maternity leave yes it would. But now I'd welcome it!

Oblomov22 · 15/09/2022 11:39

Me personally? God no. But I'm older now.

But generally yes. I would encourage all young mums say 20 to take a bit of time out and enjoy their young children but maybe work part time or to get back into work soon and then as they get older for secondary school you can up your hours you should never leave yourself without a job or completely vulnerable.

Anyone in their 50s if they can afford it might go down to say four days and stop working eventually and enjoy your retirement seems sensible.

Minikievs · 15/09/2022 11:39

Fuck no. I literally daydream of a lottery win constantly