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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unfair to dh?

76 replies

Catfantastic · 13/09/2022 09:09

Me and dh ( both 41) have had some debts for a while now. I admit that I allow dh to deal with the money stuff and he will periodically balance transfer the credit card debt etc. He also manages the payments.

I noticed he has been looking stressed recently and in a couple of occasions has tried to raise the issue of the debt. I admit that ok not great at these conversations and can get a bit shitty

2 days ago he had a big emotional breakdown- crying etc. very out of character. It turns out that our debt is about 15k more that I thought.,he said that he’s struggling with the emotional burden of it, and feels like it’s all in his shoulders.

i didn’t respond brilliantly and was a bit shitty with him. I guess I felt/feel key down as I trusted him to deal with it. He says he is hurt and feels like I’m blaming him, and that he has tried to talk to me but feels that I’m dismissive, or argumentative.

not sure how to feel. He is a good man and I have zero concerns that the debt is linked to anything dodgy. I know why were in debt. AIBU to feel annoyed at him?

OP posts:
GoneWithTheWine1 · 13/09/2022 09:11

It's both your debts. YABU. You need to step up and help deal with it too. Awful just to leave him struggling.

IceStationZebra · 13/09/2022 09:11

Yeah, YABU. How do you “get shitty” with him when he’s trying to talk to you?

Do you financially contribute to clearing the debt?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2022 09:12

Very unfair and bang out of order. You’re an adult. Take responsibility for knowing about the finances in your household and shared responsibility for managing them. He’s tried to talk to you and you admit to being shitty and shutting him down. That’s awful behaviour even if it wasn’t about massive debt.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 13/09/2022 09:13

How have you got into debt and what are YOU doing about it?

Yes, you are being unfair, he's tried to talk to you and you get 'shitty' with him and shut him down. Sounds like you've added to his stress

LannieDuck · 13/09/2022 09:13

Of course YABU.

This is your debt just as much as it is his, but you seem to be trying to ignore it and deny any responsibility for it. You have a duty to sort it out, just as he does. Leaving it all to him is extremely unfair.

Thurlow · 13/09/2022 09:14

Completely U. If this is both of your debt, you need to at the very least let him talk to you about it, if not actively be involved in financial management. You need to apologise to him and set time aside to go through it all rationally and sensibly.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 13/09/2022 09:14

As someone who has been in serious debt, I can't get over how very, very unreasonable you are being.

It was the lowest point in my life and without DH there to help me there is a very good chance I would not be here typing this post.

MacaroniBaloney · 13/09/2022 09:15

Marriage is meant to be a team. It sounds like the debt is jointly created so why is it only his problem to fix?

How did you not know about the extra 15k of debt? Are you mindlessly spending without acknowledgement of the debt being created?

To be mutually part of the debt creation and then be shitty about it is awful.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/09/2022 09:15

Of course you are being unreasonable! You are as responsible and it is unreasonable to leave him to carry the weight of dealing with it. What were you expecting him to do, vanish the debt?

badbaduncle · 13/09/2022 09:16

Where did the debt come from and what have YOU been doing to pay it off? Your post makes it sound like you were active in creating the debt and have then refused to discuss it and expected him to pay it all off and deal with it? If that is the case you are being really immature and irresponsible.

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 13/09/2022 09:16

Hmm, I think YABU. Yes he should have told you the amount so you have a clear picture but taking the debt on and being solely responsible for paying it, having to look at it and deal with it and be reminded of the amount everytime you make a payment can wear you down. It probably seems to him like he is having to be the one to sort out a joint debt whilst you get to ignore it and rely on him to deal with it all. He seems to be doing his best to ensure payments are made, interest is as low as it can be and I think your reaction is a bit unfair

bloodywhitecat · 13/09/2022 09:16

How can it be £15k more than you thought it was? The debt belongs to you both so you should be sitting down ,together, regularly to manage the situation not leaving it all to one of you to deal with.

AquaticSewingMachine · 13/09/2022 09:16

So he's tried to talk to you multiple times about it and you've made it as difficult as possible every single time. And thus probably contributed a LOT to the running up of that degree of debt. And you feel entitled to just not worry your pretty little head about the whole thing, and are angry with him. Wow.

mountainsunsets · 13/09/2022 09:17

You're being hugely unreasonable.

Why have you left it all down to him?

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 13/09/2022 09:17

And what the fuck are you annoyed at him for?

For asking for help?

You should be ashamed tbh.

Illputitonmytodolist · 13/09/2022 09:18

Are you both working? How are the tasks divided in the household? Are you part of the reason why you are in debt?

girlmom21 · 13/09/2022 09:18

YABVU. He's asked you for help. Grow up and step up.

LeroyJenkinssss · 13/09/2022 09:18

So he’s tried to talk to you about it but you’ve shut him down every time? Then even when you can blatantly see the absolute toll it’s taken on him you’re shitty to him?!

im not sure whether you will take on board what anyone is saying but you need to sit down, apologise profusely and work out a balanced and fair way of going forward. Bloody hell OP you’ve really really behaved badly here.

Shodan · 13/09/2022 09:21

Is this a reverse?

Surely you can't seriously be asking if you're unreasonable to be annoyed with your spouse about debt that you've both incurred.

But in case it isn't a reverse- of course you're being unreasonable. Incredibly so. Grow up and deal with the problem together.

XmasElf10 · 13/09/2022 09:23

You should be ashamed of yourself. He needs your help and support and you are being shitty with him. Shame on you!

focuspocus · 13/09/2022 09:23

Gently speaking yes you have been very unfair. That kind of burden shouldn't be on one person. He has tried to talk to you and you've shut him down and probably made him feel so much worse because you find it hard to handle?

You both need to go through it calmly. Get everything together and get some support. Maybe citizens advice/ step change/ turn2us. Money saving expert website?

There are probably Mumsnetters far more knowledgable about doing this and you may want to start a thread to seek advice.

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2022 09:25

Why is it £15K more than you expected it to be?

I can’t answer your question without knowing that.

drpet49 · 13/09/2022 09:27

XmasElf10 · 13/09/2022 09:23

You should be ashamed of yourself. He needs your help and support and you are being shitty with him. Shame on you!

This. Disgusting behaviour from you,

OhmygodDont · 13/09/2022 09:28

How is the debt so much higher than expected? What’s caused the debt?

your wrong to be mad at him unless he is the sole reason for such debt or promised it was under control and has basically lied about it all.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/09/2022 09:29

LeroyJenkinssss · 13/09/2022 09:18

So he’s tried to talk to you about it but you’ve shut him down every time? Then even when you can blatantly see the absolute toll it’s taken on him you’re shitty to him?!

im not sure whether you will take on board what anyone is saying but you need to sit down, apologise profusely and work out a balanced and fair way of going forward. Bloody hell OP you’ve really really behaved badly here.

This and to be quite frank if this was a BLOKE treating a woman this way it would be abusive and leave him. I cannot get over the fact he has had a full breakdown in front of you which you admit is out of the norm and you really dont care!