Am I being unfair to dh?

[Catfantastic]

Me and dh ( both 41) have had some debts for a while now. I admit that I allow dh to deal with the money stuff and he will periodically balance transfer the credit card debt etc. He also manages the payments.

I noticed he has been looking stressed recently and in a couple of occasions has tried to raise the issue of the debt. I admit that ok not great at these conversations and can get a bit shitty

2 days ago he had a big emotional breakdown- crying etc. very out of character. It turns out that our debt is about 15k more that I thought.,he said that he’s struggling with the emotional burden of it, and feels like it’s all in his shoulders.

i didn’t respond brilliantly and was a bit shitty with him. I guess I felt/feel key down as I trusted him to deal with it. He says he is hurt and feels like I’m blaming him, and that he has tried to talk to me but feels that I’m dismissive, or argumentative.

not sure how to feel. He is a good man and I have zero concerns that the debt is linked to anything dodgy. I know why were in debt. AIBU to feel annoyed at him?

100% you are being unreasonable. He’s allowed you the luxury to not have to deal with it and he’s taken on the stress for you both. I think you need to support hun more and not let him deal with it on his own

There’s 2 issues.

1. You being shitty with him and generally refusing to engage or discuss the debt management and pay-off. That is extremely unreasonable, as PP have said.
2. The ‘extra’ £15,000. Where has that accrued? Is your DH not handling things well or are you as a couple still overspending and getting deeper into debt? Or did you just never realise the extent in the first place? This is less clear if you’re unreasonable to feel ‘let down’.

I will say it’s bloody awful being the ‘sensible one’ who stares at the figures and tries to make the books balance if your other half just spends and ‘hates feeling poor’ or whatever.

You are being massively unfair. Poor man.
How would you feel if you went to him crying and stressed and he was 'shitty' to you?

It's not the 1920s. You must work together. He isn't coping and it's BOTH your faults he should of reached out sooner and honestly you should Ben involved with the finances together. There are apps these days that can help you manage your finances. Cut back on what you can and understand what is done is done and now you both will deal with it

You are utterly unreasonable. You leave him to do the shitty jobs then complain because he's not doing it to your standards. You sound and crappy and irresponsible partner. Face your debt and deal with it, like an adult, and stop delegating it all to him.

Sounds like you were out of order here. I agree you shouldn’t be leaving it all to him.

Where did the extra debt come from? Was that why you were annoyed?

Unless his attempts to talk to you were all eg whilst you were trying to get the kids to bed, trying to sleep yourself etc, and he passed by lots of sensible times to talk in favour of times when you were sleeping etc (this is the kind of thing my exh would do, and then say “you never want to talk about x”) then YABU to have got shitty with him.

Talk about head in the sand. 15K more than you thought? Just how?
You are behaving like a 50s housewife

Totally unreasonable and frankly abusive. Let's hope when the debt is cleared he recognises that he deserves a life free of such stress and leaves you.

Oh yeah, have no responsibility at all, just spend what you want and then get shitty!

Nice!

I take it you’ve added to the debts? So YABU to leave your dh to sort and to saddle him with the pressure of it all with your admittedly shitty attitude.
I’d want to know how you’ve ended up with an extra £15k debt. Especially when you’re already in debt.

I almost always try to find the good in an OP and defend them in an onslaught. But not, you sound terrible here.

You’ve racked up debt, not bothered yourself with dealing with it and are now being a twat to your husband. Lovely.

Step up. It's that simple.

Got to be a reverse. If so, YABU for that alone.
If not, still YABU and nasty.

Yabu and you’re not being a good partner to him; you should be a team

URGH I feel a reversal coming on.

Kindly, you know you’re in the wrong here and you need to apologise, I guess you’ve been wandering around with your head in the sand and it was a very unreasonable knee jerk reaction to being faced with the reality.

I suggest tonight you apologise and set down a time where you can sit down and non judgmentally go through everything. I’ve seen some amazing threads on here about handling debt, it’s worth starting your own when you have the figures but the very first thing you need to do is make sure you have an accurate figure for how much it is, then work out a plan from there the first target should be to stop it going up.

most important thing though is to stay calm and non judgemental. Money has been spent, it’s gone and with it the time to question if it was the right choice at the time.

He is crying with the pressure and you blame him for not telling you (while he is telling you!!)

You should have asked and supported rather than burying your head. Work together to sort it. You have behaved awfully.

YABVU. It's joint debt, you've buried your head in the sand leaving him to deal with it and then have the nerve to gt shitty with him when he tries to address it. You sound like a bit of a dick really.

I don’t get his you can rack up that much debt and not realise
I mean I get that you might think you owe 2k but you owe 2500
but £15000 more and not know that’s unbelievable .

is it a case that you thought you owed
5000k but you with the extra 15k you owe 20k

You get monthly statements so you know how much you owe
You know how much interest it’s costing you
How long has this debt been in place if your paying interest on it you will struggle to ever really get it down

You are very unreasonable if you have been adding to this debt and not paying it back and your husband has to deal with it

There's always one grown-up and one pampered darling in every marriage. As the grown-up, I can tell you it's really stressful to have a partner who's skipping through life, deliberately oblivious.

Sit down and work through this together. Who knows, you might be the one with the insights and ideas to fox this problem.

This can’t be real.

You left him to sort it out. Get shitty when he tries to discuss it, notice he is stressed and then when he finally breaks you are shitty again?

Is this a reverse? If you are so aware of your behaviour and the situation, why would you even ask if you unreasonable.

He should have told you earlier it was that bad. But it’s clear he tried and you didn’t want to listen.

Reverse posts don’t make sense, as you aren’t posting the other persons point of view. You are still posting your own point of view.

Why are you being so completely awful to him?! How can you consider yourself to be in a marriage and yet leave your husband in such emotional distress.. well, not even just leave him that way, making it worse by being ‘shifty’ with him and refusing to allow him to talk to you about it? This is horrible to read tbh.

I think you both need to sit down and make a plan around what you are going to do about the debts.

You may have different views on it, I'm in debt myself and also feel fine about it. I pay the ones I want to pay and yes I want to clear them but I'm relaxed about it.

You just need to be on the same page.

I can't believe that fire we lit, that I then walked away from and never thought about again is still burning. I trusted you to put it out, you're such an asshole for not putting out that fire.

If this is not a reverse then I feel very sorry for your husband.