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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

24 Yr old ss - maintenance

56 replies

ChateauQueen · 12/09/2022 22:21

Name change for post. 24 Yr ss mostly lives with mum - roughly 2 days a week with dh and I. Had a few pt jobs while at uni - none longer than 3 months. Doesn't like working Christmas and holidays. Just been backpacking round Asia for 6 months (funded by money given by us and mum's family) DH has continued to pay maintenance during this time, and has said he will do until dss is settled with a job. We have 3 older kids between us and 2 younger together. We both work and I also look after 2 grandkids 3 days a week for my dd and my other dss. Aibu to think he shouldn't be paying maintenance for a 24 Yr old?!?

OP posts:

Floofboopsnootandbork · 12/09/2022 22:27

Unless there’s more missing (eg a disability) then that is super weird. While I don’t necessarily agree financial support should just end the minute they turn 18 to still be paying maintenance for a 24 year old is taking the piss.

nocoolnamesleft · 12/09/2022 22:29

Unless he is, for instance, disabled, he needs to get off his backside and be in work, education, or training. Paying him to be idle is not on.

Cameleongirl · 12/09/2022 22:30

So he’s still paying maintenance to his son’s Mum? Or is he giving money directly to his son?

If he wants to give money to his adult son, that’s up to him, tbh, but paying maintenance to his ex is odd at this point. Their adult son needs to manage his own money and living expenses.

nachoavocado · 12/09/2022 22:32

Is the money going to his son?

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 12/09/2022 22:32

Bit odd alright.
Do you provide the childcare for free? Maybe he feels that if his siblings get x amount of help that he should have the cash value?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/09/2022 22:35

You might find if you stop paying, he moves in with you!

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/09/2022 22:37

Is he going to give all the other DC the same amount? How much are we talking?

He’s an adult man, he needs to get a proper fucking job and support himself. You’re enabling him.

Original poster

ChateauQueen · 12/09/2022 22:37

No disabilities. Payment straight to mum. Tbh she is not relying on the money (we all get on) but ss has been spoiled and is quite happy making plans for nights out with friends, weekends away etc etc rather than looking for a job. They just seem to have this sense of importance that they should be supported until THEY decide otherwise, and mum and dad go along with it! Drives me mad!

OP posts:

Georgeskitchen · 12/09/2022 22:39

Is this a joke? This waster needs to get off his arse and work for a living. Sounds like he's been pandered to all his life
Christ on a bike he's f*ing 24!!!

FuckOffff · 12/09/2022 22:39

Yes its weird, yes he needs to stop.

What on earth would be the incentive for your step son to fund his own lifestyle if he's being bankrolled by mum and dad at 24 years old. He's not in education anymore so that's shameful honestly. He can find a job to pay for his nights out like plenty others do.

Cameleongirl · 12/09/2022 22:46

This sounds daft, both parents are letting him waste their money (I’m guessing his Mum pays for things for him as well). Time to grow and start supporting himself.

Original poster

ChateauQueen · 12/09/2022 23:32

Yes he doesn't buy toiletries etc that's parents job 🙄 doesn't do any "jobs" in our house eg laundry in the basket, dishes in the dishwasher etc.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/09/2022 23:38

Maintenance for a 24 yo who could and should be working? Ridiculous! And what 24 yo goes back and forward between parents for “contact” like a child?

Pixiedust1234 · 12/09/2022 23:40

What happens if ss never settles or gets a job? Why would you if you have stupid parents willing to fund your travels?

Original poster

ChateauQueen · 12/09/2022 23:45

The travel support was for mental health/covid. But realistally now there is no reason for supporting this . Although Dh is still facilitating travel/picking up DSS from his mums even tho its only 2 miles away on a bus and train route. I can't get my head round it .

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 12/09/2022 23:51

Again, what happens if ss never gets a job? What will your dh do then? Keep supporting him dh dies? Then how will ss cope? Or will dh give ss the house and his pensions so you end up with nothing?

Seriously, these questions need to be asked.

Can I be this first to ask your dh to adopt me please? He obviously has money to spare.

Audioslaw · 12/09/2022 23:52

What have I just read. You are enabling this ADULT to be completely shit at life. Pathetic.

I was a parent by this age.

Bloody hell imagine if he gets a gf/wife. Poor her

Cats23 · 12/09/2022 23:55

How embarrassing.
His parents have completely enabled their adult child to be this way.
Weird he splits his time between his parents still too.
Your Dh needs to stop paying for him.

caringcarer · 13/09/2022 00:02

If your DSS can't manage to get a job and deal with his finances it is both the parents fault for indulging him. He sounds just like Prince Harry expecting his father to pay for him and his family too. Many students not only study at University but also work 20 hours a week as well. Your DH is not aiding his son he is setting him up to be a failure in life.

Ponderingwindow · 13/09/2022 00:09

Maybe if Covid had prevented him getting a job after finishing university, I could see continuing maintenance for a bit. I know that was an issue for some graduates. Lockdowns are over and hiring has started in earnest again so I would be be expecting any extended support to be over.

Boreded · 13/09/2022 00:22

Yeah that needs to stop. Give a date, 6m or something and then there is ample time to find work

Kate0902900908 · 13/09/2022 00:23

24 years old and he's paying maintenance to mum? . . . Is this a joke? (I'm being serious is this a joke?)

That is outrageous! He's a grown arse man, when is her going to grow up? Make his own money pay his own way? If dad is paying mum money to keep him? I would give both mum and son 1 months notice it's over! He has to get a job and work for what he wants not let mummy and daddy keep him. In 6 short years he will be 30 years old!?!

Notatallanamechange · 13/09/2022 00:27

Whaaaaaaaaaat?

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/09/2022 01:09

Your husband (and his ex) need to stop this. They are effectively infantilising their 24 year old, keeping him in a childish / dependant / responsibility-free environment. They are stopping him from growing up by rewarding his slacker lifestyle with no-strings-attached funding,

I think their enabling of his arrested development is really quite cruel. At what point will he be encouraged (allowed?) to be an adult? 30? 40? On the death of his misguided parents?

knackeredagain · 13/09/2022 01:17

Wow.. I don’t believe in just cutting off the oxygen supply on their 18th birthday, but how is he ever going to be independent? At first I thought the mum must be struggling with money and relies on dad to pay ‘board’ but it doesn’t sound like this is the case?

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