24 Yr old ss - maintenance

[ChateauQueen]

Name change for post. 24 Yr ss mostly lives with mum - roughly 2 days a week with dh and I. Had a few pt jobs while at uni - none longer than 3 months. Doesn't like working Christmas and holidays. Just been backpacking round Asia for 6 months (funded by money given by us and mum's family) DH has continued to pay maintenance during this time, and has said he will do until dss is settled with a job. We have 3 older kids between us and 2 younger together. We both work and I also look after 2 grandkids 3 days a week for my dd and my other dss. Aibu to think he shouldn't be paying maintenance for a 24 Yr old?!?

This.

Seriously, when does it end?

My aunt funds my cousin’s partying and travelling lifestyle while my cousin (mid thirties) has part-time, sporadic work in the (legal) cannabis industry. My cousin does a lot of “product testing”, shall we say…

My aunt now unfortunately has terminal cancer, and has to stop work very suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s very unclear how her DD will continue to pay rent, let alone keep up the other elements of her lifestyle.

Sometimes cutting the apron strings (and the purse strings!) is a kindness, while you are around to be a safety net if things go seriously amiss.

It's fine for DC to move back home after uni and also fine if they have no idea what comes next but I think as long as they have a roof over their head and food to eat plus the very basic of shared toiletries they can fund everything else themselves. In your situation if you don't have room to permanently house then subsidising that minimum at Mum’s seems reasonable almost regardless of if she can afford fully on her own - just on the basis it's a shared child. Both parents need to stop funding anything beyond the absolute basics (no mobile, no toiletry requests, no transport, no nights out, no holidays, no takeaways and no special food requests) to incentivise their DS to work in some way shape or form and move on with their life.

.

The money is mad but the living with mum 5 days and dad 2 days a week is beyond ridiculous.

Why don't you get him to babysit your grandchildren in exchange for the money? That way you have some free time and you and his dad will be getting some value for money.

I agree with this
Your husband (and his ex) need to stop this. They are effectively infantilising their 24 year old, keeping him in a childish / dependant / responsibility-free environment. They are stopping him from growing up by rewarding his slacker lifestyle with no-strings-attached funding,

DSS is now 24 years old. Well into adulthood and it's time he behaves like an adult. His mum should be charging him rent and he should have chores to do.

I can see how it would have been easy to continue initially as he was a new adult until he hit 20-21 but without a clear end to it after then, this young man has settled into a slacker lifestyle.

Maintenance should stop now. This adult man should be making his own way in travel if he wants to visit you. Gosh my DCs as teenagers catch train up to London to visit their dad.

Why is DH collecting him for "contact" like he's still a child?! He's not even a uni student and he's a grown ass man choosing not to get a full time job, any job ...

I'd be saying maintenance stops in one months time. The only thing is be buying after then is a loan for bus travel pass for first month to get to work and a couple cheap shirts and cheap trousers for your first job. I got my dS's shirts for £15 for two in asda and a £14 pair of smart work trousers and that was for a temp job whilst he was home from uni, so I have every reason to help him out. He paid for his travel and still does chores when he gets home after leaving at 7am and returning home 6pm. He takes his turn in cooking does his own laundry and carries my shopping etc He hoovers and cleans (just not the toilet ) and puts the bins out.

Your DSS can sign on to a recruitment agency and get a data entry job or any job really (many supermarkets are recruiting).

I think this depends on how much money you all have and how much is expected of (all) the children.

Lots of parents fund their children living at home, not charging rent, covering bills and food, many of the same expenses they had when the kids were minors for years after they turn 18. The “failure to launch” brigade are almost all living at home supported by parents. I think it’s admirable if your DH recognises that the burden shouldn’t fall mainly on his ex just because she ended up being the default carer.

But there’s also the question of whether they are enabling SS, harming his chances of a successful adulthood, and putting more resources into him than is reasonable given all the other demands on the families’ purses. The tales of him swanning off on trips does rather sound like it, but from his age it sounds like he probably finished Uni just as Covid hit? Which will have disrupted all sorts of things so I think there’s room for some slack there, if finances allow.

Also, I think one of the benefits that rich families can give their children is the opportunity to find something that they’ll actually enjoy rather than feeling pressured into getting whatever career is available. So, again, if finance not so much of an issue, then it’s not so unreasonable.

What is his reasoning for not being employed? At anything? I seriously doubt that he cannot find employment, rather he is being choosey in what he is looking for. Other grads from the same degree, but younger, will be up and coming now and making his education look dated.

He needs to get into something now and stick with it until the ''better'' one comes along.

Set a date that financial support ceases. Apart from another month of bus pass funds.

Why at 24 is he not singing on if he has no job?

As a recently married 24 year old who owns my own home, I absolutely cannot believe you are still paying maintenance.

Just stop immediately. He needs to know how the real world works, and that means getting a job to fund his desired lifestyle.

That is ridiculous.

Dad needs to stop paying or at least pay a lot less if he feels he has to pay something. His own child is suffering here, it may not seem like it, but until he has to work he won't be fully independent.

I think this falls into the "actively harming" your SS category. It's massively reducing his incentive to launch himself as an independent adult, which ultimately is not going to do him any good at all.

I was just about to respond that there's no way in hell that this young man will attract a partner. But then thought of all the posts I read on Mumsnet....

Op your ss is actually having no favours done for him here. He's being encouraged to stay in the mindset of an entitled 14 year old.

This is really poor parenting. My DD is also 24. She has autism, speech and language issues and LD's. She went to a SEN school and had to do extra years at college. She got a part time job in a pizza place and self funded her last year on her catering course. She now works full time catering in the NHS. There's so many similar stories from her peer group, all battling differences and barriers. Your DH and his ex should be hanging their heads in shame, they've created learned helplessness. In a few years he won't even be relationship material.

I know we are all different, but at 24, I got my first ward sister post, and your DSS still has a contact schedule and maintenance!

He can feel what he likes, the fact is he needs a job and pronto.

OP, this is unbelievable. Even if I was a millionaire many times over, I would not bank roll this person.

If my husband was behaving like this towards an adult, I would find him less and less attractive. Its just piss poor parenting.

Well it's up to him - my parents gave me the odd handout when I was starting out, but I had a job and it certainly didn't support me, it was just a nice bonus so I could fly to visit them at Christmas or help pay my car insurance.
Giving it to his ex is strange though - it's like he's still behaving like a minor.
It's not your business I guess, but if I was your husband I'd be sitting the boy/man down and telling him he has to start taking things seriously.

This sounds like a catch 22, he isnt going to find it easy to settle with a job, when he isnt being given the opportunity to live independently. If he treats all his children like this you're potentially going to have a few 30 year old teenagers mooching off you.

However I really don't think you can say anything from a financial viewpoint when you are providing in kind help to your child / children that is saving them so much money. You are providing £300 worth of childcare (£50 a day minimum x 2 kids x 3 days) every week which pales into insignificance against the likely maintenance, and probably makes you more tired, and curtails other stuff you do, so it probably has more impact on your family than him paying that maintenance. You both provide a huge amount of help to your children so I don't see how you can argue against him paying that. He could equally say your grandkids need to get used to nursery, you're not letting their parents learn how to budget or manage themselves etc

You can put your foot down about an adult staying with you and not doing their share of chores though

I would say it's only up to him if OP and her DH have separate finances & it doesn't impact her.

If it's coming from joint money, you should definitely have an equal say in the matter OP.

"If it's coming from joint money, you should definitely have an equal say in the matter OP."

I disagree, OP is looking after children that arent hers for 3 days a week instead of working. If she is getting paid properly for this, then I think you're right

It's between him and his ex, just make sure it's not coming from your share of the finances.

Doesn't sound ideal, but it's the lifestyle of the rich and upper classes so in that sense it is aspirational.

You briefly mentioned mental health. Is there an underlying concern?

Give him two months notice before 'maintenance' payments end.

It's amazing how motived people become when others stop paying for them.

Tbh as a mother of a 23 year old I would still support my DC until they had finished uni/ in full time employment.
It's parenthood and people may think it's ridiculous but most of us do the best we can for our kids, even as young adults.
Tbf you a looking after your grandkids, presumably for free?, whilst their parents work. Really it's the same kind of thing, it could equally be argued that grandkids parents could pay for childcare and stop expecting you to do it for free. The monetary equivalent of free childcare may equal or exceed that of maintenance.
So of course encourage them to look for a job, help with Job applications , talk about training/ masters but I wouldn't withold support just yet.

That is absolutely ridiculous. I was a postgraduate in a professional career with a mortgage at that age less than 10 years ago.

Why are his parents enabling him to live like a 17yo NEET?

Is your husband a terrible father to all the other children or does he just single out this son?

Pathetic parents have created an appalling man child who has been released into the world. I desperately pity any poor woman who gets involved with him in the future.