To be upset my mum's rudeness

[Rainer]

I am a very sensitive soul.I work full time and am a busy mum of 3. We have a short haired dog (and a cat for good measure!). My parents visited this evening and went into the lounge while I held the dog back (they are 70's and 80's and not particularly bouncy dog proof). In there they began to complain to each other about how badly my house smelt (of the dog). In not very hushed tones. This would be fine but my mother is always on at me for working too hard and never resting and it made me feel completely inadequate. To not drip feed I told her I heard and she did apologise as I told her it was hurtful, however that I am too over sensitive. The juxtaposition of how she always tells me to do less, then to complain that I was not keeping on top of housework/ keeping dog fresher was very jarring. Feel free to ignore. I just needed to vent. You will all decide I am quite mad!

I'd tried to subtly point this out so they could come a little later but it didn't get picked up on.

Use actual words, OP. Say it, don't infer. If you infer and people don't pick up on it, you can't be cross. So they say "we'll come at 3" don't say "OH is on nights" say "no, come later he will still be asleep"

I don't blame your parents from running past your dog, it sounds hugely annoying. And agree with others, your house does smell of dog, you are just used to it. Maybe the words used were unkind, but maybe you weren't meant to hear them. It is ok to be truthful with your spouse.

If you know you are sensitive then you have to work round it. Build up resilience, but also don't get into positions where you're going to be upset by relatively normal things. Meet your parents away from your home, lock your dog away before you open the door to them, tell them that they can't come when it's not convenient to you, that kind of thing.

If you have PTSD, are you having treatment for it?

OP your mum wasn’t saying you weren’t on top of the housework. She was saying your house smells of dog. It was a fact, not a criticism. She probably deep down thinks you shouldn’t have a dog if you’re really busy with a FT job and 3 kids. Especially if your dog is untrained and jumps up at them, when she doesn’t like dogs. They’re probably going a bit deaf in their old age and she didn’t realise how loud the comment was. But I think you are being over-sensitive to take it as a criticism of your housework.

also reading through OPs posts, and seeing that you may not communicate well as a family, perhaps pp is right and your mum is obliquely telling you that she thinks your DH doesn't help enough? Maybe she thinks him sleeping is lazy? (some people really don't understand shiftwork)

Is she the kind of mum that will pick at anything and you're doomed if you do and doomed if you don't? Then she'll accuse you of being "sensitive" if you defend your corner?
If so then YANBU

@MyKidsDontGoToBed Yes this is all a chat forum but there are different sections within it.
'AIBU' is notorious for posters being a bit mean blunt, and contrary just for the sake of it.
'Chat' on the other hand is more east going and OP probably would've got more sensitive/helpful replies.

I had read the post and was fully on side that your parents were being rude and it was an unnecessary to point out the smell while they were still in your house. But then I read through your immediate jump to swearing and calling commenters vipers for fairly benign comments on how to get rid of smells, and that has painted a different picture of how you would react to being told something you perceive as criticism. Certainly not sensitive to others!

OP, in all kindness, you come off as abrasive and a perpetual victim - you are now saying your son’s birthday is ruined being announcing a flounce! Perhaps your parents wouldn’t raise the subject of the smelly untrained dog with you as they know it would kick you off like you’ve done here. Hence, they are talking about it in another room, as an indirect hint. Perhaps this is where you’ve picked up the passive aggressive hint dropping instead for straight forward communication.

Hopefully you can move forward by engaging coping techniques for when your PSTD is triggered by constructive feedback.

My answer would just be ‘good you don’t have to live here then,’ whilst smirking and kissing my dog. If they don’t like it they can leave, simple really.

But the point is that whatever someone else's house smells of (whether it's dogs, last night's takeaway or a horrible plug-in air freshener) it's still really rude to sit in their house talking loudly about how much it stinks.

I have dogs. Two pugs. I bath them when they get whiffy. I brush them every day as they tend to shed.
I am clean by nature. I am also aware dogs can make your home smell.
I ask my daughter if the place smells and she says not but my son says it stinks.
I think some people just love to be negative

While dogs do smell, I'd expect a guest in my house to keep those sorts of comments to themselves!

I agree with this.

I instantly dislike anyone who behaves poorly and then accuses the person who points it out by further criticism that they are "sensitive".

I immediately associate it with bully's.

OP, your mother was rude.

Next time be MUCH firmer on setting a time that suits YOU.

If this is a pattern don't have them over to your house, visit them at a time that suits YOU.

I hope you feel better soon.

So demonstrating that the dog means more to you than the parents… what a horrible attitude.

Yep, sorry any dog/animal lover would say if you don’t like it you know where to go and OP’s parents sound horrible anyway for bitching behind her back and not just gently telling her.

No. Demonstrating that my home is my own and not theirs. They are welcome to stay but will have to put up with any smell my home may have due to the way I live, that could be dogs, rabbits, the food I cook, aftershave my son wears, flowers in a vase etc. And if they can’t cope with that, they can leave. Am I expected to not have dogs which give me so much joy every day because someone might visit once a week?

My MIL uses those plug in air fresheners, I hate the smell, but respect it is her home. I would never say anything negative to her about them because she loves them and gets excited to tell me which new fragrance bought. Her house, her choice, I’m free to leave if I want.

We had a birthday party for one of children years ago and one of the children invited was petrified of dogs. I kept the dogs shut in another room. But dog smell if they’ve been in the river and I haven’t bathed them yet, what would you like me to do?