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AIBU?

Grandparents visiting

34 replies

MCMP13 · 12/09/2022 14:47

I have been home from hospital for a week with my 8 day old baby. Our parents have both seen him 2/3 times each already however they are wanting to come round more or wanting us to visit them. I *keep trying to explain to them that Iโ€™m recovering and we are trying to settle into our new life with a baby but they donโ€™t understand. They both live within 10 minutes away and I do feel bad that I have to keep saying no.

A*IBU to keep asking them for space? How often do you think is reasonable for grandparents to be around? I feel like they think they are missing out but he is only 8 days old! X

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Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/09/2022 14:48

It's not unreasonable to ask for space, no.

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QweenT · 12/09/2022 14:49

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startfresh · 12/09/2022 14:50

Oh my word. No thank you! Once each the first week is more than enough!! Unless you feel like you want them there or need help.

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HoppingKangaroo · 12/09/2022 14:51

Not unreasonable to want and ask for space, the first few weeks are a difficult adjustment period. 2/3 times each is alot of visits in 8 days. How helpful are they when they visit?

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MolliciousIntent · 12/09/2022 14:52

I wouldn't be too quick to push them away, tbh. Especially as I'm presuming that your partner is still on leave, when they go back to work you might find you're very grateful for the company and/or support.

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carefullycourageous · 12/09/2022 14:54

Tell them you are overwhelmed and need a bit of rest, but arrange when you will see them next so they know it won't be too long.

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Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2022 14:55

Have them watch the baby while you take a nap.

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10HailMarys · 12/09/2022 15:01

It's normal for them to be excited about a new grandchild but blimey, you've only had a week at home with your baby and they've already been round three times each??

You've already explained to them that you need space and time for you and your DP to adjust and bond with your new arrival, so maybe a firmer but also more reassuring approach is needed. Tell them that you understand they're excited and that you are incredibly touched that they're keen to be so involved as grandparents, but that it is very, very early days and as well as needing to settle into a routine etc, you also need to recover physically and mentally and that you really, really need that quiet time with you, DP and your baby to do that. Also, if DP's on paternity leave, tell them you really want to make the most of that time while he's off work for him to bond with his new baby son.

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Cait73 · 12/09/2022 15:07

You've got a newborn baby, absolutely nothing you request right now is unreasonable you need to do all you can just to get through the next few weeks!

I'm a grandparent, I would fully understand and support

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Namechanger965 · 12/09/2022 15:11

YANBU. Thatโ€™s a lot of visits in a short space of time. I would probably try and keep it at once a week each. Their interest may cool off a bit once the initial newborn stage is over though. And if not you can always use going to baby groups as a reason to be busy.

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Creepymanonagoatfarm · 12/09/2022 15:12

First thing tomorrow generic messages to all.
Sorry we aren't up for visitors today - dh will update you on dc later incase I am napping...
And repeat.

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OriginalUsername3 · 12/09/2022 15:12

Once a week is plenty imo! You have each set of in laws. Different friends. Health visitor. And trying to work out how to care for a baby and keep yourselves alive.

I don't understand how people so easily ignore the needs of new parents and just think about what they want so I have no idea what you can say to them to get in their heads that, quite frankly, what you want is more important than what they want.

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Nanny0gg · 12/09/2022 15:16

Are they helping or sitting there cuddling while you make the tea?

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QweenT · 12/09/2022 15:18

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Kissingfrogs25 · 12/09/2022 15:22

I didn't want anyone holding my baby and wanted time to bond with her on my own. I couldn't deal with this level of intrusion.

2/3 times in just 8 days is already a hell of a lot.
Stop answering their calls and texts and ask dh to tell them you are enjoying the time together as a family and you will be in touch when you are ready for visitors.

Establish some boundaries op. It is your baby and your house. Your choice.

Wouldn't it be better if they were cooking or dropping off tea rather than sat there holding the baby?! nanny ๐Ÿ™„

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Aubriella · 12/09/2022 15:23

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No mum wants to make cups of tea 8 days post partum.

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QweenT · 12/09/2022 15:24

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Nanny0gg · 12/09/2022 15:28

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I know. But my point was, were they also making life even harder for the OP

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Nanny0gg · 12/09/2022 15:29

Kissingfrogs25 · 12/09/2022 15:22

I didn't want anyone holding my baby and wanted time to bond with her on my own. I couldn't deal with this level of intrusion.

2/3 times in just 8 days is already a hell of a lot.
Stop answering their calls and texts and ask dh to tell them you are enjoying the time together as a family and you will be in touch when you are ready for visitors.

Establish some boundaries op. It is your baby and your house. Your choice.

Wouldn't it be better if they were cooking or dropping off tea rather than sat there holding the baby?! nanny ๐Ÿ™„

Of course! It wasn't my suggestion that they should be there, I just wondered if they were useful when they were!

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Kissingfrogs25 · 12/09/2022 15:30

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Well op clearly doesn't want to qween. There is plenty of time to host, but the first few weeks are so essential for bonding and healing, and getting to know the baby. Pushing to visit a new mother is really poor form, especially as they have visited so much already.

I get they are excited but they need to wait!

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Kissingfrogs25 · 12/09/2022 15:33

Nanny0gg · 12/09/2022 15:29

Of course! It wasn't my suggestion that they should be there, I just wondered if they were useful when they were!

Hopefully they are not like my visitors, expecting to be waited on hand and foot, and meals as well. MIL even going as far as 'ordering' glasses of wine from dh who could barely stand up he was so tired.
I do hope they are/were useful, but even if they are Op might just want to wear her PJS, sleep, not brush her hair or tidy the house and just spend time with her newborn. That is not unreasonable.

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QweenT · 12/09/2022 15:33

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SweetLittlePixie · 12/09/2022 15:34

Aubriella · 12/09/2022 15:23

No mum wants to make cups of tea 8 days post partum.

My mum moved in with me when i gave birth the first time, because i lived half way across the world. DHs mother basically moved in too and only went home to sleep. If anyone was making tea, then it was them for me.
I was really glad for the help (they were both actually helpful) and I enjoyed the time with both of them. I think I would hve gone crazy on my own with baby all day.

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Kissingfrogs25 · 12/09/2022 15:34

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Why on earth would you enjoy serving cups and cups of tea having just given birth out of interest? Given they have each been over three times on day 8 - that is a lot of hosting for any new parent. Just wondering why it was fun for you?

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ChateauMargaux · 12/09/2022 15:40

www.amazon.co.uk/Postnatal-Recovery-Matters-Pinter-Martin/dp/178066625X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=2KW6IRJOYSQ0D&amp%3Bkeywords=why%20postpartum%20matters&amp%3Bqid=1662993254&amp%3Bsprefix=why%20postpartum%20matters%2Caps%2C2506&amp%3Bsr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Order this book for both of them... ask them to read it.. and get your husband to skim through a copy.. basically.. 4 pillars.. rest, nutrition, bodywork, social.. if they are taking the baby so you can rest, eat food they have provided then that's ok if agreed.. outside of that, you get to define what social interaction is right for you.

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